Young spunk, more open, more books

An Article in The New Indian Express -- Sunday Magazine
By J Jagannath

The shortlist is out for the ‘lesser Boo­ker’, known as the Man Asian Literary Prize and three of the names, Omair Ahmad, Siddharth Chowdhury and Nitasha Kaul are Indian. That is one better than last year. So far, no Indian has won the award, though it’s early days yet as the Man Asian was initiated only in 2007.

It does show, however, that it’s not just Kiran Desai and Arvind Adiga who have made the world sit up and notice Indian writing; there have been other seismic events that shifted the tectonic plates. Earlier, the shelf life of the modern Indian writer was somewhere between the milk and the yogurt, and why not considering the fact that most writing came either from journalists or ex-journalists. But that is no longer the case.The proof can be found in the longlist for the Man Asian. Half the people who made it are Indian. More interestingly, for some of them writing is not a full-time job.

Omair Ahmad, whose Jimmy The Terrorist is on the shortlist, says, however, that writing is still a top shot job. “You need money and time to do research and visit the places. To write my book on Bhutan I had to pitch story ideas to Penguin India and I was lucky enough considering they commissioned six books, including the one on Bhutan.” But he says the publishing scene has improved. The era of ‘vanity publishing’ is over.

“Three to four years ago, if a book sold 3000 copies in India, that was deemed a bestseller. Nowadays, 10,000 is the magic number. A lot can be done to popularise books, though. In London, even the underground railway stations have the posters of upcoming small books, something which is unthinkable here.”

K Srilata, who was on the longlist for her debut novel Table for Four, is an example of the change that is taking place. Her resume boasts quite a few published works apart from a first prize at the All India Poetry competition in 1998. But writing is not her bread and butter. She teaches creative writing and literature at IIT Madras.

Asked if writing is just an extension of her job she answers: “No, writing is very much a departure from my work as a teacher, though both have to do with words and with the life of the mind. But the energies required for teaching are altogether different from those you need for writing. As a teacher, I am dealing with flesh and blood “real people”.

There is a constant reality check happening. Teaching is a very public thing, unlike writing. In the latter you deal with characters who can be pushed around a bit!” Before you think that Srilata‘s lifestyle seems to be straight out of Jekyll and Hyde, Ram Govardhan will make you think again.

Govardhan too was on the longlist for his first novel Rough With The Smooth and, he, surprise, surprise, is an auditor with a market research company in Chennai. Last year, two writers got book deals on the basis of their blogs’ popularity — Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan (You Are Here) and Amit Varma (My Friend Sancho), the latter even made it to last year’s longlist.

What this suggests is that now there are many avenues to get published in India. Every major publishing house has a branch in India. On an average, Penguin India publishes one book every ten days. This is statistics and bikinis, both revealing as well as concealing.

Srilata too was emphatic about the publishing scene over an e-mail: “I think there are many more options now for Indians writing in English today than there were in the 90s. Lots of young publishing houses with spunk and a lot more openness, I would think, are open to new writers. It was certainly more difficult to get published in the 90s compared to now.”
(Tom Dark, my literary agent, featured in the Indian media first time)

Tom Dark of Heacock Literary Agency and the agent of Sriram Karri, another who was on the longlist, almost nails it: “In general, the Indian writers we hear from write beautifully. Indian English as it has developed over 250+ years maintains a grace in prose that Americans have begun to forget. Maybe they‘ll teach the world something.”

Sriram Karri too straddles two careers. While he writes books, he makes a living as a corporate consultant and has worked with some of the biggest blue chip companies. He writes columns for The Guardian and The New Indian Express. Sriram expects to be a full-time writer by 2011.

Considering these stories, it‘s unclear what‘s more remarkable — that they finally got their ship up the mountain or that they managed to come down, the other side more or less intact.

Delhi Government to Banish Delhiites During Commonwealth

Despite the love, regard and care the Delhi government has for its citizens, it has decided to banish all Delhiites from the National Capital Region (NCR) during the Commonwealth Games to ensure the city showcases itself with the best foot forward during the prized event.

“This is the best and only possible solution,” announced Sheila Dixit with a note of disappointment at a press conference held exclusively for Sedition and Perdition recently. “We want to showcase Delhi as a great cosmopolitan city, with great infrastructure, terrific soft infrastructure, where a warm, civil, humane populace exists. The last part we decided to skip.”

“We would like to have people who will be nice to the global tourists and sportspersons, but since Delhiites are incapable of being nice to anyone, we have decided to pack them off to some place for the entire duration of the games,” Sheila Dixit explained to SedPerd on further questioning.

“We discussed this option after exhausting all other options,” she said. “Globally, city-zens try to make their city proud. They keep it clean, they drive with civility, exchange pleasantries casually with strangers and are helpful to them. They own their city, feel pride in its glory and try to make guests feel welcome. Since, regretfully, Delhi if full of Delhiites, who understand none of this, we have decided to ban their presence in the Capital during the Commonwealth games,” she elaborated.
“We feel the international sportspersons, political and diplomatic guests, press and sportslovers who visit Delhi from all over the Commonwealth don’t deserve to get a peep into hell which is what any common interaction with Delhiites equals to,” she said. “We want women sportspersons and lady delegates to roam about the city freely, including late at night, during the games. It is our promise to them. No way this government can achieve it even marginally if the city were filled with Delhiites during the games.”

“In the eyes of the world, Delhi, being the capital, must represent the soul and the best of what India has to offer…the lie will be too difficult, in fact even out rightly impossible, to hide if these international tourists interacted with any Delhiite,” she said. “Why showcase the worst?”

Analysing the decision and explaining the options, she said, “It was sad to finalise upon throwing our own people out of their own city, but it is for the greater common good. You don’t want to destroy everything from Incredible India! to Atithi Devobhava in a single drive from the airport to the sports village. Besides, these very people elected me thrice in a row, I do feel bad…but we have to call a spade a spade, and all Delhiites $@$#%^%$#."

However, the government has yet to decide upon alternatives to evacuating Delhi of all its people, the place where they will be shifted to, whether they will bring in temporary residents from Mumbai, Bangalore, Kolkata or Chennai, or maybe even more hospitable people from Kashmir, Himachal Pradesh, Uttaranchal or Sikkim.

“We are considering various options, but even the choice of a seemingly ghost city is more acceptable to a Delhi full of its people,” she categorically said.

Dixit, known for her candid decision-making and forthright reactions, stunned even SedPerd when she dismissed the option of citizen education. “Alas, nothing works… ask me, I know these people well enough. No government can rein in their ostentatious silliness, motiveless malevolence and grandiose claims of being linked to the powerful or hide their totally unacceptable accents during an international event of pride.”

The Delhi government, facing flak about the possible failure to complete and ready the infrastructure and a few collapses with under-construction flyovers announced that it could face all other challenges if only Delhiites did not live in Delhi. “They are the least caring or conscious of citizens. Attend a wedding or visit a farm house party on weekend and you will know the enormity of the challenge.”

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, Congress President Sonia Gandhi and Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit had several rounds of discussion, after which the decision was taken on a There-Is-No-Alternative criteria. However, the next big challenge comes in implementing the decision.

“It will not be easy,” Sheila Dikshit explained, “For one, Delhiites don’t follow rules or government decisions, which is the original reason why we have to throw them out. Secondly, no smart state or province will accept or allow so many Delhiites coming into their place so easily. But Delhi has historically been successful in thrusting its whims on the rest of the country, so why not this time.”

A noted historian-writer based in Delhi added, “This sojourn might be good for Delhiites. Last time around, Tuqlaq took them for a long walk, they either died or became fitter, more humble and sweet. It just might be a case of history repeats.”

Maharashtra Votes For Cong-NCP Achievements like T20, Reality TV, 26-11 Attacks

The Congress-NCP won the elections in Maharashtra with a comfortable majority on a positive agenda of its performance and a host of achievements in the last few years, including creating a great reality TV-like news coverage possible for news channels with systematic failures leading to the Mumbai attack, its dramatic sponsorship of a potential Ram Gopal Varma film on the same subject, creating a great second-rung of leadership drawn from sons and daughters of all key leaders on the Congress-NCP combine, for delays and squabbles over the international airport, Reliance brother split and fights, successfully exporting the IPL to South Africa, successfully bringing Jet air hostesses on to the streets protesting for jobs, those subsequent pictures in newspapers, ignoring Raj Thackeray’s attacks on Biharis, punching the Shiv Sena by planning a huge Shivaji statue, successfully ensuring Sanjay Dutt got out of TADA cases, release of Jaswant Singh’s book on Jinnah, ensuring the defeat of Jagmohan Dalmiya and paving the way for Sharad Pawar to head BCCI, convincing Danny Boyle to make a movie, buying musical rights of Jai Ho for its campaign, dumping Govinda during Lok Sabha elections, telling the Marathi manoos what Kambli thinks of Sachin, enabling them to dream of marrying Rakhi Sawant, supporting the President’s son’s bid for MLA, inflation and fall in growth, job losses, and the usual cultural props of corruption, bribery, unaccountable scams and scandals, and the dramatic leadership change, Sedition and Perdition found out through a detailed discussion with political analysts.“Did we forget,” they added in glee, “rains, floods, drought, mismanagement during crisis after crisis, and helping our society create new heroes in ATF and NSG forces.”

“Factors which also helped the ruling Congress-NCP retain power in Maharashtra to rule for the third successive time range from the Amitabh Bachchan-Shah Rukh Khan rivalry, Aamir Khan’s six pack, successive hits of Akshay Kumar, visits of Rahul Gandhi to Dalit villages in Uttar Pradesh…” a political analyst continued.

Interrupting the expert, SedPerd asked, “We are speaking about reasons for Congress-NCP victory in the Maharashtra Assembly polls?”

The ace political analyst nonchalantly answered, “Of course, all these reasons kept the minds of voters distracted from real governance issues. How else do ruling parties win elections? Why even the failure of the Mumbai Indians in IPL did not affect the chances of the ruling combine.”

Elaborating further on the analysis, they explained that the only factor that had little to do with Cong-NCP win was the successful construction and timely inauguration of the Bandra-Worli sea link, or the Farmer’s Loan Waiver scheme. “No farmer or common man in Maharashtra or anywhere in the country associates farming with Sharad Pawar, our Union Agriculture Minister,” they said, “but Atal Behari Vajpayee and Mahajan were huge factors.”

“Vajpayee and Pramod Mahajan?” SedPerd quizzed; to which the analysts replied, “Yes and no. Vajpayee was a huge factor because he was not there. The Mahajan we talk of is not the late Pramod, but his son Rahul, a reality TV star and judge, and his sister, a contestant.”

When pressed to explain if pressures of governance, inflation, corruption, power, roads, water supply, jobs creation and unemployment, poverty and development were not pressing issues, analysts pointed out that Maharashtra had only the bad rule of Congress-NCP as a benchmark for over a decade.

“No one remembers anything particularly entertaining or spectacular from the rare stint BJP-Shiv Sena had in the state, save the visit of Michael Jackson, who is anyway dead for Balasaheb or Uddahav to re-invite.”

“Good governance, ethical rule, moral utilisation of power, providing a free, liberal and fair society maybe the needs of the electorate, but no party dishes them out; hence they are largely irrelevant. It is like a dish we all clamour for in our hunger, but no restaurant serves it,” the political experts rationalised.

Asked if the court ban on pre-poll surveys, opinion and exit polls made any impact on the results, they replied in the positive. “It made a huge impact, not on the elections, but on the media. They could have milked that for a few days, but they lost the opportunity.”

Finally asked to sum up the biggest reasons for the Congress-NCP victory, including providing props like the imp­act of Lok Sabha polls, image of Manmohan Singh making Pratibha Patil, a Maharashtrian, President, split in right wing vote by Raj Thackeray, or sub-regional factors, the analysts replied with a big laugh. “The biggest reason why the Congress-NCP won so convincingly was the BJP-Shiv Sena combine, are such pathetic losers.”

America, Sweden recognize scientific ability, India attaches Nobel Brahmin tag

American scientist Dr Venkat­raman Ramakrishnan rece­ived, in a single week, a Nobel Prize from Sweden after merely looking at his work in chemistry, whereas India gave him a caste tag, regional badge, tried to involve him in jingoist celebrations in honour of the Swedish honour and created an entire alternate identity for him, but entirely ignored his work.

Hundreds of spam load of jingoist mails, post the announcement that American scientist Dr Ramakrishnan won the Nobel for studies of structure and function of ribosome, the body’s protein factories, an honour the Swedes also gave to Thomas A Steitz of Yale University and Ada E Yonath of Weizmann Institute of Science in Israel, without considering age, gender, nationality, place of birth, social hierarchy… nothing save the brilliance of their work, declared to the scientist their pride at the winning of a prize by a Chidambaram (Tamil Nadu)-born Tamil Brahmin.“We are proud of you, Venky, you have won some Novel prize for biology or maths or whatever… we love you, fellow son of Tamil soil,” proud fans of Rajnikant, Khusbhoo, and animated Tamil-lovers of both DMK and AIA­DMK camps declared.

In retaliation, equally proud Gujaratis claimed their counter pride in Venky, a person who had moved to Baroda in 1955 at the age of three, for having won the Noel prize in kemistry. “As a fellow Gujarati, we love you Venky,” said several of the accused of the Godhra riots.

US scientist Dr Ramakrishnan, 57, who was born in 1952, who received professional and personal congratulations from people close to him from across the world, looking back at his efforts, passion and discussing his actual work; while absolute strangers and people who ignored him for decades in India, claimed him as their own, giving a damn for his work itself.

While the media ignored his American citizenship and hyped him as an “Indian-born”, getting nostalgic about his childhood National Science Talent Scholarship won as a school boy, declaring it the reason for being his being spurred into a career in science.“Did you live in Tamil Nadu as a child? Do you still have any personal or family connections in Tamil Nadu? How closely have you kept your ties alive with Baroda? Do you plan to ret­urn to IISc? Did you see Shah Rukh Khan in Swades? Are you proud of being an Indian? Do you plan your next holiday to Mumbai? What is your favourite Bollywood or Tamil film? Do you listen to A R Rahman?” were some of the sample questions Indians mailed, which Sedition and Perdition found aired to the Nobel Laureate.

Speaking exclusively to SedPerd in an interview which never happened, the scientist refused to be working next on the reason why only Tamil Brahmins win Novel prize in sciences from India.

“Free India has won no Nobel prize in science… repeat… zero… yes, the original Indian scientific contribution. I am not going to establish a scientific link between caste and Nobel prize,” American scientist Dr Ramakrishnan screamed to SedPerd, admonishing him for calling him by his nickname.

“Stop sending me spam emails and calling me Venky, and no, for the last time I am telling you I am not your classmate in college in Bhopal and I do not recall having gone for picnics in Delhi with you,” he yelled.

Unperturbed, celebrations erupted in any place which could with least credibility claim a link to the scientist, based on any criteria ranging from same initials, same year of birth, people of same astrological sign, among others across the country.

In Gujarat, ignoring the fact that his father, C V Ramakrishnan had had a bitter exit from the Maharaja Sayajirao University of Baroda, despite being an accomplished academic, having founded the department of biochemistry in the varsity with his wife Rajalakshmi, owing to politicians, the varsity plans to create a statue for him, SedPerd’s fake investigations found out.

“However, Dr Ramakrishnan shocked all proud Indians by declaring that ‘it is a mistake to judge science by Nobel Prizes’, when he should know that we Indians measure everything by international awards like Novel,” said an Indian politician.

Ignoring his suggestions that it is important to give young people the freedom to follow ideas and pursue their interests, the country has decided to continue to claim him as ours, ignoring his work and his ideas, and in his honour, the state government will soon sponsor research if there is a link between exemplary scientific research and being Brahmin.

Political bribes noble, but CEO salaries vulgar: Congress Minister

Giving a lashing to CEOs of corporations, multinationals and business houses for archaic reward systems, a Congress minister told them in no uncertain times, "A strongly visible hypocritical austerity, with layers and hordes of hidden wealth derived from extortion, forced donations, bribes, hawala monies must replace this clean, high salary systems at the top. The Corporate rewards systems must learn from the political payout mechanisms to achieve larger public acceptance of a farce austerity riding on the wave of ill-gotten loots."

Speaking at a CII event which never took place, and elaborating further to Sedition and Perdition afterwards, the minister explained in detail the middle ground a mixed economy and polity must achieve between clichéd ideals of Socialism and de facto benefits restricted for the elite in a semi-Capitalistic setup, "India’s poor people, commoners, the aam aadmi, not cattle, people; they must not be given a feeling that the CEOs are having a great time during a recession year, or when natural hazards are striking at their very survival. What is the need, when Corporates can follow our fake austerity publicity drive, take low salaries like ministers or parliamentarians, and zip it up through unaccounted funds and channels on the sly?"

The minister was upset that when ministers get a few meager thousands as salary each month, in contrast, a CEO gets a few crore, ending up paying income taxes on it and giving the media a high-point of writing on power and wealth.

"Let CEOs take low salaries like us politicians, forever in the charade of earned poverty and focused service, while building a secret empire of money. Are you thinking a Rs 10,000 salary is not enough for a parliamentarian who spends crores for elections? Ah, that is the secret corporations must learn from us."

Corporate CEOs also came up for criticism for the large stock options, private jets, luxurious lifestyles and open flaunting of hard earned wealth. "Okay, these corporate guys are snubbing us politicians because unlike us they have actually created wealth and earned their rights to it. But still, why flaunt it…we have more money than all these corporate-vorporate fellows, but an odd economy class flight, dinner with the Dalits, visits to villages…. You know, the corporate social responsibility thing… making the industry join politics in service of nation image. Why don’t they understand?"

Speaking exclusively to SedPerd in an interview which never happened, the minister revealed that he would use a severe dose of guilt tripping in times to come to browbeat the corporates into submission. "Unlike us who steal national resources openly as our own, but do it with a selfless motive and hide behind austerity farce of dire proportions, we have nothing to feel guilty about…but the corporate guys, after they create wealth and earn it, if they are going to take a share of it, we will beat them into feeling guilt. They will fall into place."

Corporate leaders speaking to SedPerd seem to be falling in line with the call of the minister, after initial sounds of unconvincing protest.

"Government cannot force a censorship on this issue, they have no rights to pass laws to limit CEO compensation…however, we in the corporate world have to build in a social equity dimension in rewarding the chief executives," said a guilty-looking corporate honcho.
Meanwhile, several politicians with salaries as low as a few thousands of rupees, took to more a public austerity drive, walking on roads, taking public transport buses, eating off leafs, dining with the poor in villages and screaming that, "the time for corporate compensation running into crores, being considered legitimate is over. No one can earn much more than the lowest and poorest any longer."

Empowered by the guiltless wealth of extortion, land grabbing, exchange of public licences, utility rights and a share of power for huge amounts, political thugs prepared to unleash the real purpose of the recently started austerity drive…to take complete control of corporate wealth…and to emp­ower themselves and divert it towards unaccounted political funds.

"We, too, are against control of any kind…we just want regulation," said a politician, sounding serious and correct, to SedPerd, who could barely hide their glee at both the moron and his oxymoron, but nevertheless took notes for their report anyway, which the country will stomach without a protest.

Tharoor spills Congress secret: Common Man is Cattle

Still in champagne mood after a great victory in the general elections and doubly elated with the internal troubles of its principal opposition, the BJP, the Congress-led UPA government was in for a rude shock when its deepest secret was revealed by one of its own ministers, the UN-returned rookie, Shashi Tharoor.

The entire Congress election strategy and brand was built on a deep-rooted secret hidden from the nation that the aam aadmi is no more to the party and its power desires than cattle, Sedition and Perdition found through exclusive investigations.

While the '70s and '80s were decades when the Congress appealed to the garib aadmi for votes out of democratic compulsion, they never considered them more significant than subjects and beggars desperate to wag their tails for alms thrown about as welfare, Congress sources told SedPerd.

But the Congress changed its entire philosophy from considering the nation full of beggars seeking alms owing to the changed realities of the world and post-reforms India, by moving to aam aadmi and elevated their status from beggars to cattle. This secret is the only aspect covered by the Official Secrets Act that Congressmen actually respect, in deference to the High Command, sources did not reveal to SedPerd.

Shashi Tharoor, Minister of State for Exernal Affairs, joined the Congress party and Indian politics after failing in his bid to be elected Secretary General of the United Nations. He lost the UN elections to a Korean because the people who could have perhaps appreciated his humour could not be reached through a series of 140-character messages, be cause Twitter was not in vogue then, his OSD told SedPerd in an interview which never happened.

The first-time The first-time MP from Kerala, who originally made a mark on Indians with atrocious books ranging from The Great Indian Novel to The Elephant, The Tiger And The Cell Phone, found a new arsenal in Twitter, which he used to shamelessly violate the Secrets Act by letting out a Congress Secrets Act by letting out a national secret of great importance.

The secret that the aam aadmi is mere cattle, popping out with a mere tweet in 140 characters, shocked the Congress when he most famous of lines to be ever written by Tharoor, "...Absolutely, in cattle class out of solidarity with our holy cows!" became the main talking point of the nation.

Rajasthan chief minister Ashok Gehlot, his Madhya Pradesh counterpart Shivraj Singh Chouhan, party spokespersons Manish Tewari and Jayanthi Natarajan were all united in condemning Tharoor. "We have successfully managed to hide from the people of this country that the Congress considers them no better than cattle for all these years. How dare he let out the secret?" they asked in off-record conversations with SedPerd.

The BJP, however, failed to make the most of the situation because they were rather confused about the `holy cows' part of the tweet. "Cattle is fine, but who is a holy cow? We are very confused," BJP sources told Sedition and Perdition. "Our government is not serious about Chinese incursions but busy tweeting, and investigating the nuclear explosions that never happened." Tharoor, continuing his campaign against holy secrets, explained that holy cows were not "individuals" but "sacrosanct issues or principles that no one dares challenge."

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh downplayed the entire controversy, describing Tharoor's comment as a joke, which itself is considered by most people in the Congress as a joke, sources did not tell SedPerd.

"Tharoor occupies a responsible and dignified post. He should not have made such condemnable and unfortunate remarks, which were insensitive, unacceptable and insensible," Congress sources said. "We run a political party that hopes to rule the country using aam aadmi as cattle fodder... what is the logic in revealing this secret? And how dare he joke about the High Command?"

Upset with the political establishment for "not getting humour", Tharoor retorted, "...not joked about... joked to..."

Tharoor, the most visible political face in Indian foreign ministry , now wants to get down to the business of shaping the way India runs its foreign policy, even as the party has gotten down to the business of ensuring he steps down.

Meanwhile, he has been approached by several dotcoms to become their brand ambassador, ranging from Twitter, Facebook, Rediff, Yatra, Monsterindia and Oktatabyebye.com, SedPerd learnt.

TV Achieves Breakthrough: Touches Zero-IQ Paradigm

After decades of trying to lower the IQ levels of programme content created for telecast to large masses, an Indian TV company has finally achieved a breakthrough by which any script, concept, programme, software, audio file, song, or any possible component likely to be fed into TV is checked for its IQ appeal, and anything above Zero-IQ can now be instantly detected and removed, Sedition and Perdition discovered in an exclusive investigation.

Despite having several human and zombie filters to ensure that the IQ content in TV programs is kept low, errors would invariably creep in, and a single intelligent line by some unwanted character in a serial, or a smart reaction on a news programme or a public debate would raise the overall IQ levels of the channel, a well-known TRP-disaster.

Television has to be constantly on the vigil against such IQ surges, which would lead to millions of people changing their channels and a subsequent loss of advertisement revenue, but the process was largely manual.

"From programme directors, input and output directors, creative directors, programme producers, sponsors and creative associates…everyone is very well aware of the disastrous impact the presence of anything intelligent or smart on a programme can have. Allowing it to reach the tube undetected is a complete system failure," explained a TV channel director to SedPerd.

"The entire process of de-bugging all programmes of any positive IQ was still done manually, a laborious process even if natural to most people we employ. This technology will take our programming content to great heights. We will soon start airing officially certified Zero-IQ programmes," said the excited TV executive. "The eventual goal is, of course, to use this technology to make the entire channel achieve those heights."

Speaking of the impact of this technology, a TV content analyst said, "It will not make too much impact for the stupid viewers of TV. While Absolute Zero-IQ programmes sound wonderful, most channels and several programmes have nearly achieved that level for decades. Have you forgotten Doordarshan?" he taunted SedPerd.

"Channels have used several strategies to keep TV programme IQ levels low all these years, including showcasing Bollywood and cricket on their programmes a lot. Thus, they naturally ensured that IQ content was no risk while on air, live or otherwise," another analyst explained.

"The biggest threat would have been news channels, airing news live, collating public opinion from the street, having politicians, lawyers and party spokespersons in studio doing public debates. But TV soon sorted that one out without challenging the non-existent IQ threshold of its audiences. Instead of debating, they began screaming…people like Ravi Shankar, Abhi­shek Manu and Jayanti N are good examples of that," he explained.

The technology will be of great value to advertisers, who can now be assured that none of the messages are wasted on people who have any sense of dignity, pride or intelligence.
"When we used primetime TV as a media to, say, sell this pop-me-magic-pill, we could reach say a few hundred million… a few smart asses would realise that this ad is crazy and never buy the product. But now, we are sure, every single person out there watching TV is a total dumbhead," an ad-man explained. "Guess what it makes of our country… the ultimate marketer‘s fantasy…millions of dolts with money and no brains, who will take whatever you shove into their heads."

Researchers said that while TV has a larger impact of lowering IQ levels in people in all aspects of life, including work and personal life, public and social life. "We have only been having zombie-IQ content on TV all these years, despite Bollywood interviews, cricket, political screaming, dramatised crime, exclusive religious cult channels, reality TV, Rakhi Sawant...despite all that TV did not succeed in touching Zero. This breakthrough is a culmination of lots of effort," TV analysts explained SedPerd.

"Soon, you will witness Zero-IQ as a paradigm: TV programmes, ads, products, people, conversations, humour, politics, life...a whole new generation ahead. The potential, as a market, is huge," they added.

Within minutes of SedPerd filing this report, the news was announced at a press conference, which was telecast live and exclusive on all channels. Breaking News. Has the idiot box surpassed its brief?

After pilot’s death, his young son seeks licence

Barely a few hours after the news of the death of the pilot of a helicopter in a crash broke out, his 12-year-old son, still recovering from the news of his father’s death, was prepared by his friends and relatives to demand and inherit his father’s flying licence and immediately take over his mantle of flying copters.

Sedition and Perdition learn that the moment the news of the death took place, family members and friends began to discuss ways to keep the reins of flying copters within the family and everybody felt that the 12-year-old son was the natural choice.

“He has the same stern looks like his father, and when he wears his father’s flying cap for fun, they are almost the same person. It is fair and natural that he be allowed to take his father’s dreams ahead,” a supporter of the cause of making the kid a pilot explained to SedPerd.

Using several tactics to put pressure on the Director General of Civil Aviation to give all established norms and rules in declaring the kid as the next pilot to fly the copters, including signature campaign, fasting in front of the airports and officials of DGCA, making media statements, his supporters felt that it is very likely he will be inducted into India’s elite flying team very shortly.
Discussions were on within the supporters’ group on how to use the media to create sympathy for the father and have it transferred into support for the son, releasing family album photos and home videos on how the son always played with mini planes and copters, and warn of dire consequences if another fully trained pilot with logical credentials inherited the dead pilot’s mantle, sources told SedPerd.

“See the boy… and keep the adage, child is the father of man in mind. Look at his room; he sleeps with all those toy planes close at hand. He has been playing with flying machine toys all this life… and what did his father who gave up his life flying ever want or dream for his son… that he too fly one day. Today, that day has arrived,” his supporters screamed into eager TV cameras.

In the entire episode, the four others who died in the copter crash have however been largely ignored by the media in its attention. Investigations by SedPerd revealed that the children of the other four have not sought instant re-placement. The IAS officer’s son and daughter hope to continue their education in the proper fashion before taking a call on appearing for the civil services, the sons of the two security officers who also perished want to go for NDA after schooling, while the politician’s children want to continue in business.

Dismissing objections being raised on the grounds of inexperience and lack of ability or not having been tested sufficiently enough to be granted a flying licence, his followers explained that even the father was keen his son starting flying young. “Why, the last time he himself took the 12-year-old into the cockpit and made him touch all the levers? He even wore the headphones and imitated his father in saying Charlie-Mike, Charlie-Mike…what more experience do you need?”

In another development, while the high command at the DGCA is taking its time to take a decision, it has installed the second most senior and capable assistant pilot already in service as Pilot, but several of the assistant pilots are openly refusing to take ord­ers from him and rushing to the kid for instructions.

“The way he has showed us the way and given instructions on complex matters of flying routes, weather preparedness, quality testing of these flying beasts…all without much tho­ught, just at the snap of a finger, shows how strong in decision making he is,” they said.

Sources at the DGCA told SedPerd that higher officials are waiting for the flying selection tests for pilot extensions in Maharashtra will swing the decision, thought the high command wants to appear to be in command.

In this entire power struggle, the dead pilot was already forgotten and became relegated to campaign posters and cursory lip service in ost­entatious memorials.

Speakers seek Z-plus security in Parliament, Assemblies

An emergency meeting of Speakers of State Legislative Assemblies, chaired by the Lok Sabha Speaker, demanded that Speakers be provided with Z-plus category security, including a convoy of gun men and commando dogs in the House while conducting Parliamentary and Legislative business.

"The inherent danger to the lives and health of Speakers while they run the House, be it the Lok Sabha, Rajya Sabha, or the State Legislative Assembly, or Council, makes it essential for the government to immediately provide them with Z-plus category security," a Speaker informed select media after the meet.

"They may withdraw it when we are out at home, on the roads, with our people in the constituencies, abroad, in industry conclaves or academic seminars. But the risk in the House in maintaining law and order in Parliament and Assemblies, conducting legislative business in close proximity to hundreds of MPs and MLAs is unimpeachably high. You mentioned hazardous work conditions, but what would you guys know about it?" he explained to Sedition and Perdition. "My family is hardly concerned when I visit jails, crowds, riot scenes, crime spots, protest zones, police firing or furious dharnas… but when I go to the House, why, my wife is constantly calling to check on my safety."

The meeting, earlier, considered a new dress code for Speakers, including helmets, riot gear, chest guards, bullet proof vests, mike-proof nose-guards, etc, but the Speakers from Jammu & Kashmir, Bihar, Tamil Nadu and Uttar Pradesh vetoed the proposition.

"It will be too little, too late… our MLAs can now pluck out a mike, tear down our helmets and break our skulls if we ask them to be quiet, not to interrupt or heckle another member, or request them to desist from flocking into the Well of the House," they pleaded. "Just having the Speakers in Anti-Riot gear will not be adequate to protect them."

The Speakers also demanded special insurance to be provided to them, extra medication to handle the stress-related disorders and special vacation allowances.

"You would think the job of maintaining decorum and running the supreme lawmakers in a democracy would hardly involve any work. Maybe, you watch some action live on TV and think it is a bit difficult… just visit us at office and you will know," they complained to SedPerd.

Another suggestion was to build a see-through but unbreakable glass wall between the Speaker’s Podium and the rest of the House with cutting-edge technology, but it failed to convince Speakers from various states that they would be assured of their safety.

"Jail walls don’t hold back some of my MLAs," a Speaker from a State Assembly told SedPerd on conditions of anonymity. "If some of them can break jail walls, you think I will trust some glass wall to protect me?"

Similarly, another suggestion to have a suction chamber surrounding the Speaker’s podium, which would automatically lead to anyone rushing towards the Speaker falling into a black hole 100 feet below, was also rejected.

"These guys don’t fall so easy and do you think we believe they have any respect for the laws of gravity? They might just amend it and rush to break an unsuspecting Speaker’s skull for asking them to be silent."

After rejecting all ideas, including suggestions to have all tables, chairs, mikes, bulbs, fans removed from the Houses, the members settled on demanding Z-plus category security for themselves while in the House.

The meeting ended with a resolution addressed to the Vice President, who is also the Chairman of Rajya Sabha, who endorsed the demands with a small amendment, "… all Speakers, and Vice President, besides all other presiding officers of our various august Houses…"

The Vice President and the Speakers then took the resolution to the President, seeking immediate action. When the President asked them to present it in their respective Houses, they groaned in disappointment, angry and afraid.
"To go back to the same Houses and seek the same people to listen to us and pass relevant Acts to protect us… What irony? But then is it not the same with the entire country… to protect ourselves from politicians, we still have to go to them," they said, returning with drooping shoulders, hoping, for once, that the members would act civil.

BCCI Bans Tennis Ball and galli Cricket

The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) today decided to ban all forms of galli, indoor, school-kid and ‘customised’ cricket games, including those played on streets, in homes, and with tennis, hockey or plastic balls.

The BCCI has also declared a life-long ban on those individuals, especially young children, who "spoil the spirit of the game by playing cricket on roads and streets, with tennis or other such balls and do not wear pads or gloves while batting or keeping, among others."

"This is a gross violation of the rules of the game. It is illegal, lowers the dignity of both the ICC and BCCI, and therefore, strictly speaking from today onwards, shall be punished," a BCCI official, beaming with glee, announced.

"We are specially warning children playing cricket without wearing shoes, pads and gloves, or using tennis balls or any non-­cricket ball — stop it or face our fury, which will be unleashed ruthlessly, by placing a life ban on you, preventing you from watching any IPL matches, having your thumbs cut off if you persist, or your TV cables blocked out of all cricket telecasts," the official told Sedition and Perdition.

Along predictable lines, all major cricketers, international cricket bodies, national cricket bodies, BCCI officials, ex-cricketers, commentators, Bollywood stars, irrelevant politicians manning cricket bodies, and loads of sport lovers in India supported the move.

"Quite frankly this ban should have been brought into place long ago. For decades now, Indians across the country have been insulting their self-confessed religion of cricket, demeaning its stature, lowering its dignity and indulging in other blasphemous actions, including using tennis balls. How would Brazil react if kids there played soccer with a cricket ball?" a cricket commentator, earlier caught in a betting and match fixing scandal sermonised. "Tennis balls, aagrrh."

But in sharp reaction, sports goods shops, tennis associations and coaches, condemned the ban on tennis ball cricket. "We will be destroyed if we are not allowed to sell tennis balls to Indian children so they can play cri­cket with it. What do you think all these tennis courts and tennis balls and racquets are purchased for…to play tennis? Good god, no!"

Tennis coaches across India, who help Indian children perfect the art of playing cri­cket with tennis balls threatened to go on strike if the ban was not removed. "What will we do? How will we earn and how will we feed our families? Tennis coaches in India will become bankrupt if they have to earn their livelihood teaching tennis," they said.

In another sinister move, Lalit Modi announced the creation of a new premium league of cricket which will have 10 overs an innings, to be played only with tennis balls, on simulated gallis.

"This multi-billion dollar league is my innovation, a new way of playing cricket. We will have everyone who matters — political parties, godmen, industrial houses and Bollywood stars to bid for the teams. Just imagine, premium schools, slums and common galli kids all selected on a reality show with Danny Boyle as a judge, top-notch cricketers from around the world joining the teams, purchased by these cash-rich cricket lovers, and mind you, only 10 over a side, leaving more television time for ads and entertainment… all this is my idea and contribution to cricket," Modi told SedPerd in an exclusive interview that never happened.

Legendary cricket Sunil Gavaskar, who just managed to save his skin from a life ban for having played cricket in narrow gallis, proclaimed the genius of Modi. "He is to cricket what Goebbels was to the Nazi party," he told SedPerd in a fictional interview.

"Just imagine taking something that is already there, banning it using your muscle, then making a format of it and earning billions… That is the genius of the BCCI and Modi."

Objectivist, a near anonymous philosopher, reacted saying, "It was always there openly in front of the public. The alphabet ‘C’ in BCCI stands for control…why cric­ket or cricketers need control, no one questioned. This is the logical end of it."

In the meanwhile, exuberant stars began planning for the bids, cricketers globally announced retirement from Test and One Day Internationals cricket to join the Indian Tennis-ball Galli Cricket League, while TV moguls smacked their lips, ad men went frantic creating newer galli-compliant Zoo-Zoos, and little cricket loving kids shrugged their shoulders and began playing Kabbadi on Indian streets, while the unheard poet screamed in pain, "they have destroyed my dear game of cricket... completely".