Hasan Ali ROFL over Forbes’ Billionaire List Joke

In a major development that pretty much marks the response of the Indian rich to the recently announced list of billionaires by Forbes Magazines, Hasan Ali Khan, stud farm owner from Pune, who is not on the list, rolled on the floor laughing his head off, Sedition and Perdition, back to work after a long lay-off, found out.
“Imagine this list is supposed to be one of the most authentic source on the monies of the richest people in the world and their worth and value of their real assets,” said Hasan Ali to SedPerd, after he could control his wild laughing spree. “And only Indian name on the list, ha, ha, ha… never before knew these Forbes had a sense of humour.”
Soon Hasan Ali had tears in the eyes, when he confided to SedPerd, “If Balwa and Raja had not had their mobile phones switched off, I would have shared the joke with them. They would have had real fun laughing at this joke, trust me, they would laugh as much as me.”
“According to the Forbes list, which claims to rank assessment of wealth and assets of the world's billionaires – there are only 1,210 worth people $1bn. Ha, ha, ha… guess how many horses I sold to how many who have successfully never made it to the list,” Ali explained to SedPerd. “Why, from sheer memory, I can recall that many in Delhi, Mumbai, Hyderabad, Chennai and Bangalore alone, ha, ha, ha.”

“The biggest joke to me is that Carlos Slim Helú and family from Mexico, worth only $74.0 billion based on the market capitalization of Telmex, América Móvil and Bill Gates, worth $56.0 billion after all his charities, might put together not be worth as much as say a particular family in Chennai. No, no, I can’t tell you that the old patriarch always wears dark glasses and began his humble life scripting fantastic to believe film stories. Guess he still does,” confessed Hasan Ali.
“The third richest man is not Warren Buffett of Berkshire Hathaway with a worth of $50.0 billion,” he began with a slight anger. “But, ha, leave it…. You could mine that much in Bellary in a decade, or loot a state in a single 5-year stint as a chief minister before you die. Ha, money, strange, isn’t it – how hard it is for some, and how easy it is for some others?”

“Leave politicians and businessmen, how much do you think all the 5,000 odd I-am-Sorry service bureaucrats put together are? Slim chance any gate can withstand that, eh?” he asked angrily. “Of course, all of us knew we won’t make it to Forbes list, but then cutting a neat 30 per cent of income taxes, to begin with – on an illegal earning in the first place, largely graft for quid quo pro or hawala – still can make you wonder why this list should be taken seriously,” he explained.

“Yes, Mukesh bhai is there to showcase the growing India at $27 billion, but Forbes insults India by making him the only Indian on the list. Why, I could make a list of at least 10 people who are richer than the richest 10 anyday. Stacking Rs 70,00,000 crore in Switzerland banks is not good enough for Forbes to re-consider their method of evaluating monies, eh?”

“I am not a mini-billionaire with only a few thousand crores like Koda or Kalmadi to look at this list in awe. It is hilarious to me and everyone in my inner friends circle would agree,” he clarified.

Suddenly remembering he had business to attend, Hasan Ali asked, “pray, what do you want – a horse, or some neat cash to disappear? An article… what article, fucking pathetic tax-paying, honest, poor scumbag… buzz off.”

Who is reading which books in India?

1. Karunanidhi: (How to loot..) 'Wealth of Nations'
2. Sonia: Keys to a Kingdom
3. KCR: Sex, Scotch and Scholarship.
4. Jagan: Inheritance of Loss.
5. Chiranjeevi: The Idiot.
6. Kalmadi: Honor Amongst Thieves.
7. L K Advani: Goodbye to all That.
8. DMK Raja: Not a Penny More, Not a Penny Less.
9. Mamata Banerjee: Lady Chatterjee's Lover.
10. Manmohan Singh: Importance of Being Earnest and Other Plays
11. Narendra Modi: The Reluctant Fundamentalist.
12. Chandrababu Naidu: Death of a Salesman.
13. Mukesh Ambani: Dream Merchants.
14. Yedurappa: The Malgudi Days.
15. Mayawati: On Her Majesty's Secret Service
16. Jayalalitha: The Second Lady.
17. Arnam Goswami: Sound and Fury.
18. Niira Radio: Aunts aren't Gentlemen
19. Shah Rukh Khan: Moby Dick.
20. Binayak Sen: Prisoner of Zenda.
21. Swami Nityanand: Way of all Flesh
22. Rahul Gandhi: Elephants can Remember
23. Prakash Karat: Gone with the Wind.
24. Kasab: A Passage to India.
25. Singer Rahat: Train to Pakistan.
26. Kanimozhi: Prodigal Daughter.
27. Hosni Mubarak: Farewell to Arms.
28. Ganguly: Nothing Lasts Forever.
29. Medha Patkar: A Bend in the River.
30. Tendulkar: 100 years of Solitude.

"Almost always, I have chosen heroes and greatness, in life and literature"

Friday, September 10, 2010: Fallon Johns Interviews Journalist and Author Sriram Karri about living and the struggles in his homeland India by Million Dollar Book Reviews (MDBR)

Fallon Johns: I am very humbled and honored that you have chosen to interview with Million Dollar Book Reviews... I appreciate the opportunity.
Sriram Karri: I am hoping this opportunity – a privilege indeed for me – will make me as famous as MDBR, besides adding as many dollars to my bank balance.
FJ: We appreciate the compliment we take major pride in all that we do here at MDBR and all that we accomplish… Sriram you are most definitely going to be a house hold name because you are a great writer and an awesome person. (Smile) Sriram tell our audience members who are not too familiar with you and your work a little about yourself.
SK: I was born in small town in central India during its socialist seventies… no, this won’t do. It is too much like the David Copperfield thing and all… and much as I love Dickens, we must afford to take an approach la Catcher in the Rye. I was born in a mentally retarded country (the first line of my novel). I have always wanted to write, ever since I started reading story books and realized some people actually wrote this stuff. It gave me a sense of wonderment, a feel of power, to be able to script events in a way one wanted. Being part of a huge joint family, rather poor, albeit at times when India was a poor nation too… books was all there was; to read Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn, with a hope to be able to write that way, some day, soon… almost everything else in life was a consequence of this desire to be such a great writer.

FJ: I can definitely relate in a way, books were a great escape for me at times growing up because life in my household was very tough at times. I grew up in a poor neighborhood and my mother didn’t allow me to play outside because of the danger so books were my salvation. I can feel the passion in your words and can imagine what it was like growing up in a “mentally retarded country”.
Throughout your 14 year career you have experienced a lot of fantastic positions, you have been a journalist, technical writer, corporate communications and branding professional, technology and social entrepreneur, corporate trainer, orator(eloquent skilled public speaker) and now an author… Where does your great work ethic and drive come from?
SK: There were spiders in my crib when I was a baby. This gave me the creeps and I have been moving quickly and keeping my eyes open ever since.
Seriously, understand the source of inspiration came from the bedside stories my mother narrated and read to me as a kid. These would often be improvisations of Ramayana and Mahabharata, the two great epics of Hindu mythology, besides great tales of historic and mythological heroes, which molded my sense of heroic in life. The embers of a fire such planted into your soul don’t die easy.
Almost always, I have chosen heroes and greatness, in life and literature. Since I was into the business of writing for life, yet aware the writing break will take time, I tried various things in life.
After school, I made it to the Indian National Defense Academy (Air Force), but was medically rejected. After college, I worked for two leading Indian newspapers, and then moved to corporate branding with large software corporations. The core of everything I did revolved around the twin passions, and skills, of being able to speak and write well. And a larger zeal to ensure yet another life does not go without making the inner gifts worthwhile.

FJ: Sriram you have an amazing way of looking at things, very positive! Your mother sounds like a very inspirational woman who helped to mold you into a great man. Positive heroic stories give people a sense of hope, especially children. Making the inner gifts worthwhile is where our legacies will come from… Sriram that was very well said (smile). I noticed that you are an atheist. Can you explain your reasons for disbelieving in the existence of a higher being?
SR: About India, you would know there are a few millions of gods to be shared amongst a billion people. It has occurred to some of us who are the reason everyone thinks all Indians are very smart that to worship any one of these gods would create divine jealousies among the rest of them. So we feel safer to die and go nowhere in particular, rather than picking the wrong god. Our system may seem strange to Westerners who have always each one invented a particular version of a ‘One True God’, who may forgive a few million misconceptions about him in exchange of permanent residence in your Western skies.
Actually, my Indian roots are terribly religious, ritualistic and often, given bad governance, god is often the only hope in life for millions of people. Even in the socialistic sixties and seventies, while the politics of communism found favor, its atheism was never in popular acceptance. I have never liked the idea of a “god” governing my life too strongly; and we have lived reasonably autonomously since.

FJ: Wow! That’s a very interesting story and also some interesting facts about religion in India… I believe everyone has the right to choose if they believe in a higher being or not. We are all taught in different ways. I respect that you choose not to pick a religion and definitely understand your reasons why.
Sriram, you reside in India; for all of us who have not been there, take us on a journey and explain to us what its like to live there.
SR: Fallon, we now have jeans, T-shirts, sneakers and call centers. Oh, yes, and also, very cheap music. Throw in some elephants and palm trees; the rest would tax the patience of all but the sleepiest scholars. Conveniently, however, I have written a little piece in my novel called “India in 90 seconds,” which will cover a few thousand years for those accustomed to sound bytes and PowerPoint presentations.
Like most Asian developing nations, India is a fascinating balance of the modern and the ancient, the rich and poor, the intelligent and stupid, all thrown in together in a slushy, chaotic, blender; which keeps churning fascinating spectacles, kaleidoscopic and phantasmagorical. It contains contradictions, hope and despair co-exist, and the overall sense of impact is heart-churning and mind-boggling. And yes, makes a great canvas to paint a large-scape literary masterpiece.

FJ: I love the way you explain things… so intelligent with a hint of humor (smile). India sounds like an interesting place and is definitely on my list of places to visit.
Are there things going on in your country that you would like to bring attention to or change?
SK: You must be psychic in asking me about it. I have written a whole novel about this, besides having devoted my columns in The Guardian (Comment is Free) and The New Indian Express (Sedition and Perdition) about it. It is the challenges of managing the extremes: of reason, of fairness, of wealth and power, of opportunity and hope – there are those who have so much of it, the world seems too small; and then are those, who have nothing. We have nuclear weapons and are headed for the moon. Somehow this path will sound vaguely familiar. But with luck, we may stumble into even more useful pursuits. We have loads of cars, little space to drive them; we have mobile phones and nothing much, or time, to talk to; we have television and no entertainment; maybe, amidst our new wealth creating phase, my country will realize its soul is missing, and maybe even search for it, outside the Google god, and perhaps even find it.

FJ: That’s really deep Sriram, I have read a few pieces you have written and I love your writing because you know exactly how to appeal to the reader. When reading your work I actually feel like I’m there experiencing all that you write about. You are giving your country a voice and I know that will make a huge difference in the long run, Change always starts with one person who has a heart of gold and exceptional mind power and you are that person. Are you an active member of your community?
SK: I do not understand this question. Do you mean, do we have Homeowner’s Associations and do I go around to each yard making sure that the clothes lines are exactly three inches below visibility over the resident’s fences?
Today in India, community as an idea itself is changing. We used to have a good well connected social living a few decades ago, in smaller towns. Bigger cities have more organized societies of common interest, but little sense of belonging. That is the one thing I see about say America, where people are linked through activity to others. So we do go and participate in Organizations for Cleaner Cities, or Save the Snakes, but have no idea who our next-door neighbor is.
There are of course less petty ways of being helpful to my community. I like to think that I am constantly involved, in an unorganized, absolutely-individualistic way, an intellectual battle to make my country more introspective and a bit less unfair and oppressive.

FJ: It is a lot like that here as well, people don’t take the time anymore to know who there neighbors are and in my opinion that’s kind of sad. I know growing up as a child everyone in my neighborhood knew each other, a sense of “family” in a way. Things have most definitely changed.
Tell our audience about your first book “Spiritual Supermarket”. What sparked you to write this book?
SK: The book is about a supermarket, where only four companies are allowed to sell their wares since time immemorial. These four companies are: Religion, Politics, Reason and Violence.
Hence, when Religion launches ‘God’ as a product, Politics responds with its competing ‘Nation’. Violence creates joint ventures with both God and Nation to create Crusades and War; while all along Reason suffers, with low acceptance for its products.
Their competition, collaboration, joint ventures, and major products, shape entire stretch of human history… demonstrating that the same forces which poisoned Socrates were responsible for 9/11.
As to how the idea happened… a little studying of the matter, which gave me a small case of insanity and a lot of humor, which helped return it. I mustn’t say too much though. Nothing is more boring than reading about an author’s process of writing a book, which hasn’t made a billion dollars or been converted into a major Hollywood movie.
FJ: Sounds like a great book and I know that all of our readers today will be looking forward to reading it!
You have a novel making its debut next year called “Autobiography of a Mad Nation” can you give us a snippet of what it’s about?
SK: It is like a ‘My India and Me’ story; only the me in this story is very angry. It is like your relationship with your mother; you love her and at times of irritation with her, wished she was dead, or maybe had never born.
A story of a generation of people who have witnessed the most significant events of the nation, seen its own impact on their lives… and decide to impact the nation in return.
A story, at another level, also of will you betray your friend for your country, or rather sell of your country for your best friend?
It is about a young man who confesses to a murder he did not commit; because that is the only way he can draw attention to an international terrorist ring. A series of questions, thrown to the country by the accused, and a saga unfolds… I hope I have intrigued you enough to read it when it is out.
One of my favorite lines is, for instance, when young Vikrant Vaidya sends his queer mercy petition to the President, he writes… Mr. President, I hope you have read Catcher in the Rye. Else, what is the point in being a president of a country but not having read Salinger?
FJ: Your book sounds really amazing! I am very intrigued and I can not wait to read it! MDBR family here is another fantastic book for you all to look out for. Sriram were can you books be purchased and how can you be contacted?
SK: I blog and post my writings at oratorgreat.blogspot.com. I write columns for The Guardian (Comment is Free) and a column named, Sedition and Perdition, for The New Indian Express. I can me emailed at oratorgreat@gmail.com. My book, The Spiritual Supermarket is available online in all Indian online stores.

FJ: Before we end can you leave our audience with some inspirational words that keep you inspired and motivated?
SK:Be careful of spiders! They are not to be trifled with, mentally OR physically! And on a more serious note, to all those who write, never, never give up. It will surely happen one day. Your brilliant words will find the people who will enjoy it. Till then, just write, and write more… and wait till someone like Fallon at MDBR happens to email you.

FJ: I couldn’t have said it better myself (smile)…
Thank you again Sriram for this amazing experience I wish you the best of success.
SR: Thanks to you for the opportunity to look within and look back, hope to be able to report back on various successes in times to come, and of course, to read your interviews with various fascinating voices from across the globe. I think you are doing an awesome job, and count me in as a fan of yours.

FJ:Your kind words warm my heart and I thank you so much for this amazing opportunity. You are truly an awesome person who we all will be seeing a lot of in the near future. You have without a doubt gained a new fan (ME) and interviewing you has been such a pleasure… And again welcome to the MDBR family!

Art of Living to launch new kung-fu sudharshan kriya

In an exclusive finding in the arena of spiritual innovation, Sedition and Perdition found out that Sri Sri Ravi Shankar will soon be launching a new form of Sudharshan Kriya, integrated into a comprehensive new meditation programme aimed at the overall well-being of people, including their direct survival requirements and a quick method to duck bullets from any deranged gun wielder.

Fictional sources at the Art of Living Foundation told SedPerd that while the Sudharshan Kriya, developed by Sri Sri based on several years of meditation, research and learnings from the past, was sufficient for the well-being of the soul till recently, he recently experienced some stirring moments, which laid bare to his visionary and divine eyes the minute shortcomings inherent in the programme.
“The new programme will take care of the needs of the soul, the urge to overcome material instincts, evolve higher and nobler thoughts — and make you fit enough to escape the random bullets of any shooter,” fictional sources at the AOL told SedPerd. “It simultaneously takes care of both spiritual needs and protects you from people wanting to murder you.”

“We sit in a deeply relaxing pose, eyes closed, opening them once in a while looking around suspiciously to ensure there is no assassin lurking. If there is none, continue with the deep breathing, if there is, remove the gun from below your meditation mat and fire at him. Do this without having any hatred for the assassin, but make sure you don’t miss the guy,” they said.

“After you’ve focused on your breathing, get up suddenly, run to the wall, hide, raise the pistol to the top of the wall and fire in the air. Don’t expose your head to allow the murderer on the other side a clean view of your head. Then deep breathe again, and focus on the lord, the universal force, feel the cleansing within your soul… but constantly keep watching for any unusual sounds,” they informed SedPerd.

SedPerd also learnt that AOL was finalising the new meditation attire comprising a simple, thin khadi top kurta, dhoti, a bulletproof vest and night-vision goggles.

“Similarly, we will make slight modifications to our ancient-age satvik diet to include a few dishes adapted from the commando programs of the Indian army,” they said.

AOL sources also confirmed to SedPerd the modifications to the new military-spiritual programmes to be provided by the Foundation to its full-time sevaks, acharyas and the more devoted of its volunteers.

“A mandatory firing hour at the newly-constructed shooting range, kung-fu, besides the usual singing, praying, service and meditation modules will be imparted. Our teachers can now not only teach meditation but can also suddenly get up, do a cartwheel, punch a potential killer before kicking and maiming him. They can also throw a small knife, to be hidden and carried under their sleeve, from a great distance,” the sources said.

They also confirmed that Gurudev, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar himself has now inducted a special elite group of security men, the best drawn from across the world, who will be meditating with him all the time, ensuring they draw spiritual solace from Him while ensuring no more hanky panky stray gunman can get anywhere near.

“Previously, he used to be surrounded by these lean, thin acharyas who used to be perfect in the previous format of the Sudharshan Kriya. The new folks around him, while they are learning Sudharshan Kriya, are also expert at security detailing, martial arts, sharpshooting, all of Sri Sri now realises are perfect, needs to be able to grow one’s soul and merge with the Larger One,” they explained to SedPerd.

When quizzed if the call of Sri Sri to the possible assassin to come and join their programme had got any response, they responded in the negative. “But we are proactively seeking him out on our own… and when we find him, we will ensure that we help him meet the great God who made us all. Yes, we will sponsor his journey to heaven, — or hell, with a spirit of full forgiveness and love for his misguided soul.”

In a parallel incident, the wannabe assassin of Sri Sri told SedPerd in this fictional account that he would join the Sudharshan Kriya after news channels confirm that the parcel bomb he has sent with love for Gurudev has been opened by him personally, tearing apart the insignificant lusty body of Sri Sri and integrating his immortal soul with the Almighty.

PM annoyed by enthusiasm of young novices wanting to replace him

In response to his clarion declaration that he would step down from the post of Prime Minister during his first press conference to mark the completion of one year by UPA-2, Dr Manmohan Singh found scores of young novices from across the country who applied for his job, claiming to meet the requirements specified by him, only to be heartbroken and crestfallen, Sedition and Perdition found out.

"I am ready to step down for a young leadership," Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh had barely announced on TV, when 32-year-old Jeevan Reddy from Hyderabad rushed with his application to the PMO, SedPerd found out exclusively. "I am young, finished my college, six years in software but currently unemployed. I am ready to take over the affairs of the country,” he tweeted, only to be given a private reply from the PMO, "Sorry, we can’t invite you to be PM."
Deepak Kumar from Mumbai, who sent a courier with his full advertising agency portfolio and works, including an unfinished film script, wrote in his opening letter, "I am dedicated to serving the nation, can handle client accounts and wish to apply for your post if you are ready to quit," PMO sources told SedPerd. He was sent a telegram, "We wish you the very best with your film script. The post for the young leader has already been taken… unfortunately you applied late."

Sudip Das from Kolkata referred the PMO officials, through email, his blog, his poetry, snaps of him performing at a singing concert in the US, among others, besides his college certificates for debating and the youth leadership conclave and exchange programs he attended as qualifications. "You are amongst our best applicants, but we regret to say you are not who we have in mind."

Shweta from Delhi explained her NGO work, political science degree and progress in the preparation for Civils are the merits, "Besides, it will be handy being a girl. Of course, I am not an expert in economics, but given that I only have to maintain a double-digit inflation, surely, anyone could manage that."

Uttam Singh from Uttar Pradesh sent snaps of himself addressing farmers in his village, the agitation he led against ragging at college, besides his ability to stand up for a cause, taking ethical decisions based on convictions and the inspiration he drew from Mahatma Gandhi as pluses, only to be told by the PMO, "Apply for a post in Youth Congress. For this post, we are looking at someone whose name is Rahul."

When word spread that caste, religion, gender, family affiliation and money mattered, people from different parts of the country starting applying with clear indications in the bio-data of their caste, linkage to powerful names and the money they could spend; only to be told that the combination, or scale, was just not a prefect match.

"It is one thing for your father to be an MP, a liquor baron or a former minister, and quite another for you to be considered qualified for the young leadership the Prime Minister mentioned. It is weird if in a democracy, people can’t clearly understand what its leader says openly in the media. Frankly, we are tired of these applications," a PMO source told SedPerd.

"I am Rahul Sinha," applied a youngster from Bihar, a student leader, known for his local political clout, muscle, money, ancestry at district-level and ambition. The PMO brushed him aside, asking him to focus on state-level politics and try and get an MLA ticket in the elections slated for later his year. "We are not looking for just any Rahul... it is a specific Rahul... no, not Dravid, or Mahajan, or Bajaj either... a young Rahul with G as his family name. No, goddamn, not Rahul Gowda for godsake... don't you guys understand."

The PMO told SedPerd that all mobile phones would be switched off if these SMS applications did not stop, just as an "out-of-office" would be put for the emails. The caller-tunes on the cells of the PMO officials now say, "Thanks for your juvenile keen interest in wanting to be Prime Minister. We have now closed the offer as the job has been taken."

Sociologists and political thinkers explained that while Manmohan Singh, a loyal Congressman, thinks that subservience to the Gandhi family is a given, while every politician knows that hereditary clout matters the most, youngsters keen to play a role in their country’s affairs will exude such stupid optimism.
After browsing through thousands of applications, SedPerd pick the one they loved most… a colourful postcard from a small village in Chattisgarh, sent by a little girl, aged nine. "I want to be PM like you. If you make me PM, I will do a lot to help little girls like me… so they go to school and study and become like you. Plus, I will not take bribes, or give importance to caste or religion... only merit. Trust me, my teacher has written in my report that I am very hard working, honest and sincere."

"If this nine-year-old was actually made PM, maybe, you never know, she might just be able to do better than UPA-2," added experts. "Or maybe, we are just not ready for it."

PM calls for ceasefire, peace talk, between Congress Ministers

In a major development of national significance, in a move that promises to change the contours of conflict in the nation’s highest echelons of politics, Sedition and Perdition found out that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has called for an immediate ceasefire and invited all warring parties for peace talks in New Delhi, over which he would preside.

“I invite all warring political parties to instantly announce a ceasefire, if only for 72 hours, to facilitate peace talks and to build a platform for long-lasting peace and harmony,” the Prime Minister announced, revealed fictional sources in the PMO exclusively to SedPerd.

“He was, of course, referring to all his Cabinet colleagues and senior party leaders, who are at war with each other,” the sources clarified to SedPerd. “This has no reference to the peace talks or ceasefire called for by the Home minister… in fact, the peace talks to be conducted by the Prime Minister between all senior ministers and party colleagues has to succeed for any call by the home minister to the Naxals, or any other development in any ministry in the country has to succeed.”

According to sources, this important development is a result of the long-standing conflict engaged in by all the ministers in the UPA government, ironically, all belonging to the same party, leading to controversies of various scales and levels.

“The peace talks will begin after Digvijay Singh, Mani Shankar Iyer and P Chidambaram give up arms against each other and undertake a ceasefire for 72 hours. We will also hope to bring in former minister of state Tharoor, Union railway minister for Bengal Mamata Banerjee, minister of Chinese business environment Jairam Ramesh, among others to these talks, or so the Prime Minister hopes,” SedPerd’s fictional sources in the PMO said.

Ruling out any threat to the government from allies or the Opposition, after completing its first year in office, UPA II think tanks have earlier met and discussed various other means of solving the problem, but after all other measures failed, the Prime Minister decided to step in and take matters head on.

“The central government is firmly in the saddle, thanks to our allies like the CBI. We see no threat, save from our own senior leaders and cabinet ministers,” they said.

“We were starting to congratulate each other on the total lack of credible opposition or alternative to us from the perspective of either voters or political partners. Never did we believe trouble could be so homegrown,” PMO sources told SedPerd.

However, immediately after the idea of peace talks came up, all hell broke loose, again. Mamata Banerjee ruled out participating in talks in Delhi, claiming it was a Communist ruse to divert her attention away from Bengal. “First they cause a stampede, now this. Let the peace talks be held in Kolkata, while I fight the real battle with the CPM.”

Welcoming the call for peace talks, Chidambaram told SedPerd, “I have the highest regard for the Prime Minister, but if I have to attend any talks to which Digvijay Singh is a party, I will do so only if my keen supporters from the BJP are allowed.”

Dismissing the possibility of the talks succeeding, Digvijay Singh told SedPerd that he would rather directly talk to the Naxals about development than talk to a "certain intellectually arrogant minister, who is hell bent on getting all our CRPF men killed".
Political watchers welcomed the peace talks initiated by the Prime Minister but would not comment whether it would succeed or if the ceasefire would hold for a reasonable amount of time.

“It is only a matter of time before either Jairam Ramesh takes on other Union ministers, or environment, defence and foreign affairs engage in another match. No, as long as there is no threat to the government from its allies, much less so from the Opposition, the Congress leaders will create their own battles and fight it. Ask Rosaiah about that, if you don’t believe us,” they told SedPerd.

Now, Hang Kasab, Fast

An year ago, I had argued that India must try Kasab fairly not for the sake this case alone, but to allow its judicial supremacy to prevail and to re-establish its credibility as a just and fair society.

In a fast-paced trial which concluded on May 6, 2010, India has done just that – it ensured that lone survivor of the November 26, 2009 terrorist attack on Mumbai – Ajmal Amir Kasab – was given a fair trial, ensured he understood the process and proceedings, all his rights were as an under-trial were honoured and yet reached a judgment without the usual inordinate delays.
M L Tahaliyani, judge presiding over the special anti-terror court gave pronounced capital punishment for 22-year-old Kasab on five counts of murder, conspiracy to murder, waging war against India, abetting murder and committing terrorist activities under the Unlawful Activities Prevention Act, saying that a lesser sentence for a terrorist like Kasab will be a lingering danger to the Indian society and government.

The country now faces another challenge – delay not in justice but in carrying out the dreaded death sentence. Strangely, the death sentence does not divide Indian society as much as Western societies – death, especially in cases of heinous crimes, finds large public approval.
Despite the media orchestrations, public approvals and demands for getting “tough against terror”, the Indian government has wavered and dithered on actually implementing the death sentence. The last death sentence implemented in India was in August 2004; that of rapist and murderer Dhannanjoy Chatterjee, after a 14-year-old legal battle, including several mercy petitions and judicial reviews.

Currently, there are 29 mercy petitions pending with the President, including the most controversial and media-covered petition for Afzal Guru, sentenced to death and upheld by the Supreme Court for his links to the attack on Indian Parliament. The petition was so strongly debated that previous President APJ Abdul Kalam “slept” on the case till he retired.

The present President of India, Ms Pratibha Patil, too has ensured that she does nothing about the petition, despite the government coming into attack from right-of-center political forces and right-wing media, for “being soft on terror and unable to hang a terrorist”.
Another famous mercy petition in for the LTTE terrorists who were part of the conspiracy to assassinate former prime minister Rajiv Gandhi.
Worse, after a recent visit by Priyanka Gandhi to the prison, where she met Nalini Sriharan, one of those sentenced to death, petitions were filed to release her. Nalini, whose sentence was suspended to life imprisonment after a clemency plea was filed, ironically, by Rajiv Gandhi’s widow Sonia Gandhi, continues to be on life imprisonment after the State government turned down such pleas.

Kasab can now appeal against the sentence to the Supreme Court, and if the highest court upholds his death sentence, can appeal for mercy, first to the Governor of Maharashtra, and finally, the President of India.

India must continue to ensure Kasab gets his fullest rights during every single part of this process, but must exercise a will and determination to quickly and rightfully hang Kasab, if the Supreme Court upholds the sentence.
The Governor and President must reject the mercy petition immediately and not let the Kasab trial, which has been conducted exceptionally well, turn a farce and delay the rightful expression of justice in this “rarest of rare cases.”

It is not sufficient to have a fast-paced anti-terror court or pass touch laws against terror. India must respect the cops who fought on the terrorized streets of Mumbai, several of them sacrificing their lives to nab Kasab alive and the brave judge, who honourably conducted a free and fair trial and delivered his sentence. India must now stand up to hang Kasab without a delay, as its first act of resolution to fight terrorism.

Kasab's exclusively confesses about his funny trial

In a sensational discovery, Sedition and Perdition were astonished and shocked to find that Mohammed Ajmal Amir Kasab, lone survivor of the terrorist carnage in Mumbai that started on November 16, 2008, and now sentenced to death by the fast track terrorist court established to try him, was himself pretty surprised that the government of India had such limitations and restrictions in hanging him to death, despite his obvious crime.

"In the name of rights, they have to cater to every whim of mine, they have to give me food and medicines, religious texts, allow me a lawyer, defend me with their funds, all this despite my having wreaked such destruction, death and havoc so openly," he told SedPerd in a fictional exclusive interview, full of surprise. "There I was with a gun and unrestricted mission to kill. What do you make of it?"
"Even after I was given the death sentence, the judge spoke nicely to me. I thought he would just take a gun out of his pocket and pound bullets into me. Instead, he told the cops to give me religious books, food and medicine. and, yes, can you believe it, pocket money for buying cigarettes. In return for killing police officers and innocent people without doubt or remorse, in front of television cameras; for waging a war against your country and democracy and for seeking to destroy it. . Guess what, now, I have a right to appeal against this sentence. Is something wrong with you, or with me and the country that sent me to do all this?"
Speaking about his funniest moments during the trial, Kasab confessed to SedPerd that he almost broke down laughing hearing his defence lawyer's arguments, "My lawyer said I was a human being, young, misguided, coerced into this mission, and above all, that with love I could be reformed. Can you believe how low a human being can fall, or how badly they lie.he actually said I was human and could be reformed. Maybe I should have requested a small reform session with him, with a small gun?"
Revealing his life since his arrest, Kasab said, "I guess I needlessly feared for the worst when I was caught. Images of torture, pain, methodical ways to break me down, humiliate me and violating my religious views were all flashing by me. Instead, they give me a good cell, clothes, food, medicine, lawyer, and something I never had before: real rights. If someone had told me this is how they treat terrorists caught after their act on camera, I would have dismissed it as a sick joke."
"Every now and then, when the cops would be taking me to court, or bringing me back from the trial to my cell, I thought they would beat me up or kill me. I would, in their place. It then struck me as strange that if I could kill anyone randomly and as I pleased, why should a country, its government and judiciary follow so many procedures just to hang me? Why do they have to be fair to me?" he asked SedPerd.

"Maybe, this is what democracy must mean. Rule of law. Human Rights. Tolerance. Providing for and abiding by dissent. Regarding for differences and diversity," SedPerd offered as suggestions.
"No, not that. I am thinking something else. If you can treat a proven, dreaded terrorist in a fair way, chances are, eventually, you will take care of everyone else equally fairly well. Muslims living in your country, your own citizens, are certainly better off than living under a theocracy, or a military dictator. They are not some poor victims who need me and my likes to come to fight a jihad for them," he said, suddenly sobbing.
He added, "Say, whoever you are, will you say I am sorry to everyone in your country once they hang me?"

Piracy industry outperforms economy during rescission

Sedition and Perdition were following up on the fate of various industries during the course of the recession of the last two years and their chances and scope of recovery this year only to shockingly find out that the one industry that has not been given due credit despite having given great results has been the Piracy industry.

Going through the numbers of various industries, its key players and their performances, SedPerd discovered that Piracy was one industry that did not, contrary to the general economy, suffer much. In fact, its sales went up, revenues rocketed, and since taxes don’t apply to it in principle, had huge profits.

“Yes, we actually grew during recession,” piracy industry experts revealed to SedPerd with pride and satisfaction, even as the our core competitor sectors like media, entertainment, movies, music, books and art actually fell down, some still reeling from our far lower-costing products and services.”

“The movie industry, for instance, has been suffering from losses, be it Bollywood, television movies segment, even official DVD and VCD sales. In contrast, we made money even on those flop movies. That is because we are making better products, making them available in easier ways to consumers and at far lesser costs. Of course, the support of the government in exempting us from taxes and compliances makes us competitive, but the truth is we are more consumer-friendly.”

“When fans want to see a movie in a cheap DVD format on the day of the release, movie industry expected them to go to plush theaters, spend obscene amounts, and then wait for months for the home version. It is this service gap that we in the piracy business bridge,” they explained.

“The music industry, for instance, worldwide is going through its last rites. For instance, we estimate that official music industry might have a global revenue of somewhere between $100 to $250 dollars, for which they must have invested over $10 billion or so. In contrast, we have the least investment, around say, the same $100 to $250, but our revenues run into over a billion,” piracy industry officials told SedPerd.

“In the realm of arts, which is where our industry originated, fakes have always sold for more revenues than the originals for the sheer volume advantage we have. I mean, how many original van Goughs or Picasso, Ravi Vermas or MFs can there be… with us, you are talking numbers,” they said. “This year too, we have kept our edge.”

“Ha, books, the less said the better. It is absolutely our favourite segment… authors, editors, agents and publishers come in the way of readers getting their favourite novel or self-help at an affordable price. When it comes to choosing between a few hundreds of starving authors and a handful of bankrupt publishers versus several thousands of potential readers who have to go without a good read, our choice is very clear,” official representatives of piracy business houses revealed.

Condemning the society in general and media in particular, they said, “despite creating jobs, satisfying our consumers, generating revenue and making profits, we are not given any respect or honour. We don’t qualify for business awards. We are not, in popular perception, anything good? For how long should we serve society and be looked down upon despite the good results?”

“We expect subsidies, land, permanent IP and tax waivers, and yes, respect. Look at China? Do you or do you not want Indian piracy to grow as big as them?” they demanded angrily. “Don’t blame us if we fall behind in this segment.”

Speaking of the future of the industry, they said they were optimistic, despite hurdles and challenges, “Duplicate manufacturing in pharma, retail, FMCG, textiles, shoes, mineral water, soft drinks, mobile phones, fertilizers, seeds, computers and other mid-tech areas will be the high growth area, besides our traditional hold in arts and entertainment. The big growth areas for the future must also hopefully include counterfeit currency, fake tickets in cricket matches, besides reviving the now largely defunct stamp paper, revenues papers and other such important government documents.”
Explaining their corporate social responsibility, they told SedPerd, “let this country not forget that every time they buy a fake or a pirated product or service, they are not just contributing to our coffers… they are also enabling us to sponsor terrorism. Now, that is a thought, isn’t it.”

And added, “say, is your column popular enough to reach to readers at a cheaper cost, faster… no, only 12 people read it… and those are free copies you pay for. You get some business, and leave the rest in peace.”

Phone tapping leads to strange conversations

Sedition and Perdition was flummoxed with the stark differences and contradictions bet­ween its own exclusive findings of the transcripts of the telephonic conversations tapped by the government of various leaders and the actual claims made by them when contacted fictionally to clarify their stand, despite their giving allowances to the poor telephonic signal quality at times and some ‘censorship, typos and acceptable editing’ in the highly confidential government document.
For instance, as SedPerd explained to the Editor, the phone tapping has Sharad Pawar saying to Shashank Manohar, “I had discussion with Madam about Lalit; he is becoming a big fain in the gas. You may SMS or tweet his marching orders, and give a strong warning that if he dares open his dirty mouth about the stake my folks have in various teams.”
But in our fictional interview, Pawar claimed he said, “Lalit Modi’s contribution to IPL has been extraordinary, but law must take its own course. Do the best in the interests of the country, game and spare no one.”
In the transcript invented by SedPerd, Civil Aviation Minister Praful Patel was found saying to his daughter Poorna, “Of course, my angel beta, it is your own airline. Stop any airplane, take it to any destination, invite your friends on to the aircraft, make the pilot land it anywhere… yes, baby, hire limos to take your guests straight off the tarmac to where you like.”
However, when contacted by SedPerd in their fictional interview, Patel corrected the version, saying, “Air India is a national asset and as a Minister, I am only its servant. We can’t even imagine using it for our purpose… go buy a ticket for your friends only in economy and fly as any normal citizen would. I will be ashamed if you ever even mention to anyone that your fat­her is a politician in power.”
Digvijay Singh to Mani Shankar Aiyar (fictional tapped phone transcript): I feel like kicking this Tharoor, Modi and IPL gang. We almost had the intellectually arrogant Chidambaram cornered and set to kick him out, when this damned thing took all attention.
Digvijay Singh (fictional clarification): In a democracy one has to subjugate one’s sense of priorities in favour of the preferences of the masses, and if they want to focus more on IPL controversies than India’s sovereignty and the Home Minister’s failures, so be it.
Mayawati (to her MPs in transcript): Listen you worthless dogs, go and support the government on the Floor against the Opposition’s cut motions. I don’t want no CBI knocking on my doors with summons to court, understand.
Mayawati (clarification): As responsible Parliamentarians, you should support the government in its continuation, so that while we continue our support based on principles and national interest, instead of falling into an opportunist opposition’s ploy.
N Chandrababu Naidu (transcript): How I wish I had thought of this IPL when I was the CEO…or better still, if somehow Jagan had brought down Rosaiah’s government and created that opportunity for me to sneak in as a CM, I would have had Obama to give away the trophy, and had all matches held in Hyderabad. By the way, Sitaram, do you think she is listening to all our calls? She is, well, big deal…we used to tap all calls YSR made as opposition leader and it hardly helped me. How about we do another bandh or something?
Naidu (clarification): The government must announce a JPC into IPL, match fixing, money laundering, role of politicians involved in teams. Phone tapping is a serious allegation; the government must come clean on it…it is a blackmailing tactic to pressurise the opposition and undemocractic.
Editor in Chief, The New Indian Exp­ress (transcript): Wish we had found someone better to write a column than this senseless ranting SedPerd. Wonder why readers are not protesting. Guess we must make an excuse out of articles coming late and behind deadline to fire them.
Editor, (clarification): What a great piece, yet again. You are my favourite, absolutely.