Parliamentarian Shocked He Can't Murder As A Right

Morally outraged, a Parliamentarian gave a mouthful to the CBI officers who arrived at his home to arrest him for murder, but was shocked on being told that among the privileges, licenses and exemptions granted to him, murder was not one of them, an act witnessed by Sedition and Perdition.

“You mean to tell me that despite being a MP, the highest lawmaking body of this country, I am equal in law?” he asked the law enforcement officials with vehemence.

“I have freedom to say anything on the floor of the august House. I can draft legislations, debate law, enforce my views on this country, block the government, exercise my lack of confidence in the Prime Minister and the Cabinet…but I can’t kill one or two guys?” he asked with incredulous surprise.

“This is unacceptable. When I am legitimately allowed to divide communities, foster communal and racial hatred, orchestrate bloody riots and senseless bandhs, gift contracts worth billions to my relatives and supporters, harness my power to create a muscle and money empire, hold the police and bureaucracy as puppets…why can’t I have a man, just a normal man, killed?” he screamed with moral self-righteousness.

“Let us face it, in running a nation and delivering to my constituency, my people and my party, I have to take several tough decisions…. Must I not have such an executive immunity that you guys don’t go around probing my affairs done purely in the interest of the country and its people, with the sole purpose of fulfilling my promises and meeting the aspiration of the electorate…. That rival of mine had to go,” he explained with confidence to head of the CBI party which went to arrest him.

He smiled when he understood their point. “I see, even MPs are not allowed to kill good people, model citizens, ha ha…. I now understand how this misunderstanding took place, no, no, not to worry at all…. the guy I killed was a scum, the kind law does not forbid from murdering with cold stabbing 27 times all over him and then having his pathetic bleeding body thrown from the bridge into the river with a stone tied to his legs…. There, it is cleared, you guys may now go.”

Baffled when they explained that the law protected both good and bad citizens from being murdered, he shuddered with disbelief. “What kind of an ass law is that…which does not distinguish the good and the bad? I mean, a farmer plucks a bad weed out of a good crop, ain’t it? Do you guys understand quality control?”

“All are equal, my foot. The dead dog was what, let me see, one out of a 1,110 million, whereas I am one out of 545, do you get that? Have you learnt arithmetic in school…things called fractions…smaller number at bottom, more valuable…like being part of a special, elite group?” he optimistically argued.

Fuming at the irrationality of the Constitution, prevalence of asinine laws and brainless law enforcement machinery, “Have you heard of a law that says MPs cannot be arrested without their written consent? I am sure it is…I myself must have got it passed…. Not law yet, who, President’s office…what do you mean has not signed it…that is the problem in our country, hardworking MPs do all they can but red tape gets on to all good work.”

“Murder? What murder? How do you define murder? Meaning, I merely told someone, on phone, to kill someone…that is expression, freedom of expression, MP’s license to freely express…. What on earth has this guy got in his head, onions or brains? Someone calls you and says kill, and you do? Now, who is the murderer?” he fumed at the CBI official’s lack of understanding of law.

“Money? Gave money? Of course, I did…can you see how great a leader I am. At a time when ministers and MPs take money…I gave money. Note the difference. I GAVE money. Confession, whose confession? You do not take a murderer’s word seriously; do you…but not a Parliamentarian? You will put handcuffs…I have to go to jail?”

Shrugging his shoulders, he blared at his secretary. “Have each of these bloody buggers transferred, yes, to some Naxal-infested area, with a demotion…. Start an all-out agitation, outside the jail, across the district…. Stop all government machinery from functioning.”

Stepping out with the officers, hands in cuffs, the sad MP told the awaiting media crews, “It is a political conspiracy…because I am working to empower women, Dalits, backwards, Muslims…. But I shall not stop my good work. Besides, I trust the impotence of all law to bite the lawmaker.”