No matter what you do, or don't - you will have cancer

In a major investigation done just by adding up the findings of all previous investigation findings on the subject of potential causes of cancer, Sedition and Perdition found out that every single person in this country, and perhaps the world, will anyway have cancer, independent of their actions, diet, exercise, lifestyle, preventive care, discretion or precaution.

"The latest of thousands of investigations and research has found out that eating red tomatoes causes cancer, yet, ironically, it supplements rather than contradicts, or nullifies, the previous finding that not eating red tomatoes can cause cancer," explained an elated SedPerd at their self-congratulatory secondary research finding declaration session to themselves. "Thus, if you don’t eat red tomatoes, you will get cancer, and if you eat red tomatoes, which cure cancer, that will also cause cancer. The logic of these two finding alone is sufficient to conclude that everyone will have cancer and die."

Other reasons to conclude that each one of you reading this article will eventually have cancer is because exposure to sunlight, getting wet in the rain, eating meat, drinking whiskey, smoking actively, smoking passively, getting exposed to dust, stress and strain, tens­ion, anger, excitement, hard work, laziness, exercise, sun bathing, being overweight, being underweight, not eating adequately, eating too much, sleeping poorly, oversleeping, talking on mobile phones, driving in cars, watching TV, working on compu­ters, will among others, all lead to cancer, explained SedPerd.

Becoming paranoid in a reaction to this article and avoiding all the things mentioned — well nigh impossible — will also cause cancer, just as reading or not reading this good column will cause cancer, the report suggests.

However, you can choose between cancer of the brain, blood, throat, bones, skin, eyes, nose, ears, mouth, teeth, lungs, pancreas, heart, or any such other combinations, various research reports on cancer reveal, according to SedPerd.

“Similarly, the combination of all earlier researches, when read together, read that neither passive acceptance of divine fate or aggressive resistance built on will power will make any difference to your finality: you are all dying of cancer,” conclude SedPerd.

“The only way that your inevitable end could be altered is if you are robbed from the cruel hands of cancer by an earlier fatal mishap, ranging from a road accident, murder, suicide, terrorist attack, sudden heart attack, fire in the building, senseless mob riot victim, instant justice at the hands of encounter specialist in the police department, or any such other equally gory end. Worse, you could be a woman, get stalked and killed by a lunatic lover, or a greedy mother-in-law.”

“But all those possible alternate endings don’t change the fact that there is already a cancer in you somewhere, or just outside waiting to get in. It is like we are really living, or trying to live, in a cancerous-universe,” explained some doctors, who were the first to react to the additions on previous finding that SedPerd did.

A triumphant cancer NGO representative, herself dying of cancer of some cause in some part, said, “This is a great finding. We have been relegated to second position with upstarts like AIDS in previous years taking away all the limelight. We are back in contention, we hope to now build on our new campaign to scare the people of the world with its biggest killer, CANCER, and not having to be looked down upon by some swine-flu or some such newcomer. Here we go.”

While cancer spreads, affecting those who like this column and those who don’t equally, governments, hospitals, pharma companies, research agencies, scientists, medical shops, NGOs, doctors, nurses, paramedics, Barack Obama, science journal editors, victims and perpetrators are all counting the possible benefits they can extract, before that inevitable cancer must claim them too, found out SedPerd, before rushing to a hospital for a checkup.