Cricket is dead, Long live the IPL

In what would be one of the last nails in the well-decorated coffin of cricket, Events whizkid and IPL Commissioner Lalit Modi has nearly finalised several reforms to IPL for the next year’s edition, among them, making one full toss compulsory per over, banning small towns from bidding for new franchises, recruiting women umpires, having a new shot for 10 runs and using management discretion to disallow “certain Union ministers” from watching the matches on the ground, Sedition and Perdition found.
“There are still several elements from the dead game called cricket, which need to be eliminated,” Modi explained to SedPerd, saying that he saw no possibility of BCCI being able to stop his juggernaut, given his monarchial power over IPL, and hence the Board.

“BCCI is meant to control cricket, whereas IPL is not cricket. It is IPL for Godsake, don’t keep calling it cricket.” Modi chided SedPerd, “One of the biggest challenges is to establish that it is not a contest between two teams, but merely the contest between the batsmen of either team. Bowlers are enablers for batsmen’s records.”
“The first of the reforms to the game, besides administrative reforms like women umpires or entertainment factors like a contest to ‘Dance with the Cheergirls’, is to make a full toss compulsory every over, failing which, the bowler will be warned after the fifth ball and the last ball, if it is pitched anywhere other than the batsman’s bat, will be called no-ball,” explained Modi.

“The IPL will also, incidentally, not allow certain Union ministers or his good friends, no matter how much free stake they have in a team I don’t want as a franchise, to be given tickets or allowed into our stadiums,” he said with a smile.

Seeking to allay apprehensions that either the Central government or the BCCI has leashed him, Modi said, “India watches IPL for two months and prepares the next 10 months for the next edition. This gives the government ample scope to continue to misgovern India while we distract the people’s attention. Can they afford to lose us? Wait, I must Tweet that…”
Returning with a smile, Modi said, “Cricket was a Dodo, on its deathbed, when I saved it. I stole ideas from various games from all over the world and created the IPL. Now imagine 10 huge balloons all over the ground for the batsman to hit and puncture and earn 10 runs for it. A Tenner! How would a Toyota Tenner or TVS Tenner sound? No, maybe I will pitch it to... yes, she will love that.”
“Similarly, I am not sure if should be the Videocon Full Toss or the Sprite Full Toss. No, I need better synergy. I also want to change the format of the Free Hit, after naming it the Nike or Coke Free Hit, wherein that delivery will be bowled by the wicketkeeper, with his gloves on, just a lob from behind the wicket, while the batsman smashes it…” said Modi laughing.

“I am actually a saint in disguise, striving incessantly for the maximum happiness of the maximum people,” said Modi.
When quizzed if IPL matches were fixed, he denied the rumours strongly. “Even my bookie keeps asking me about that, but no, why fix matches when I can, no, not fix, let us say create a level-playing field of having all eight teams win the tournament once during the first eight years? Besides, I don’t care who wins at that level.”
When SedPerd asked him about Kochi, Shashi Tharoor and Narendra Modi, he said, “I love Narendra, who doesn’t? And in any case, dictators always go for their peers? I must go now and start battle next and swing it for Ahmedabad away from the Kochi and get one Union Minister fired. I have to go… one last question, okay shoot.”

Hearing SedPerd’s question, he burst out laughing loudly, saying, “Hawala transactions, Twitter scandals, big monies, corporate arson, controversy, women, party, global limelight, political bedfellows, did I not already tell you, this is IPL, not some stupid cricket.”