Art of Living to launch new kung-fu sudharshan kriya

In an exclusive finding in the arena of spiritual innovation, Sedition and Perdition found out that Sri Sri Ravi Shankar will soon be launching a new form of Sudharshan Kriya, integrated into a comprehensive new meditation programme aimed at the overall well-being of people, including their direct survival requirements and a quick method to duck bullets from any deranged gun wielder.

Fictional sources at the Art of Living Foundation told SedPerd that while the Sudharshan Kriya, developed by Sri Sri based on several years of meditation, research and learnings from the past, was sufficient for the well-being of the soul till recently, he recently experienced some stirring moments, which laid bare to his visionary and divine eyes the minute shortcomings inherent in the programme.
“The new programme will take care of the needs of the soul, the urge to overcome material instincts, evolve higher and nobler thoughts — and make you fit enough to escape the random bullets of any shooter,” fictional sources at the AOL told SedPerd. “It simultaneously takes care of both spiritual needs and protects you from people wanting to murder you.”

“We sit in a deeply relaxing pose, eyes closed, opening them once in a while looking around suspiciously to ensure there is no assassin lurking. If there is none, continue with the deep breathing, if there is, remove the gun from below your meditation mat and fire at him. Do this without having any hatred for the assassin, but make sure you don’t miss the guy,” they said.

“After you’ve focused on your breathing, get up suddenly, run to the wall, hide, raise the pistol to the top of the wall and fire in the air. Don’t expose your head to allow the murderer on the other side a clean view of your head. Then deep breathe again, and focus on the lord, the universal force, feel the cleansing within your soul… but constantly keep watching for any unusual sounds,” they informed SedPerd.

SedPerd also learnt that AOL was finalising the new meditation attire comprising a simple, thin khadi top kurta, dhoti, a bulletproof vest and night-vision goggles.

“Similarly, we will make slight modifications to our ancient-age satvik diet to include a few dishes adapted from the commando programs of the Indian army,” they said.

AOL sources also confirmed to SedPerd the modifications to the new military-spiritual programmes to be provided by the Foundation to its full-time sevaks, acharyas and the more devoted of its volunteers.

“A mandatory firing hour at the newly-constructed shooting range, kung-fu, besides the usual singing, praying, service and meditation modules will be imparted. Our teachers can now not only teach meditation but can also suddenly get up, do a cartwheel, punch a potential killer before kicking and maiming him. They can also throw a small knife, to be hidden and carried under their sleeve, from a great distance,” the sources said.

They also confirmed that Gurudev, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar himself has now inducted a special elite group of security men, the best drawn from across the world, who will be meditating with him all the time, ensuring they draw spiritual solace from Him while ensuring no more hanky panky stray gunman can get anywhere near.

“Previously, he used to be surrounded by these lean, thin acharyas who used to be perfect in the previous format of the Sudharshan Kriya. The new folks around him, while they are learning Sudharshan Kriya, are also expert at security detailing, martial arts, sharpshooting, all of Sri Sri now realises are perfect, needs to be able to grow one’s soul and merge with the Larger One,” they explained to SedPerd.

When quizzed if the call of Sri Sri to the possible assassin to come and join their programme had got any response, they responded in the negative. “But we are proactively seeking him out on our own… and when we find him, we will ensure that we help him meet the great God who made us all. Yes, we will sponsor his journey to heaven, — or hell, with a spirit of full forgiveness and love for his misguided soul.”

In a parallel incident, the wannabe assassin of Sri Sri told SedPerd in this fictional account that he would join the Sudharshan Kriya after news channels confirm that the parcel bomb he has sent with love for Gurudev has been opened by him personally, tearing apart the insignificant lusty body of Sri Sri and integrating his immortal soul with the Almighty.