Writing For Passion

Hasan Ali ROFL over Forbes’ Billionaire List Joke

2011-03-12T22:01:00.000-08:00

In a major development that pretty much marks the response of the Indian rich to the recently announced list of billionaires by Forbes Magazines, Hasan Ali Khan, stud farm owner from Pune, who is not on the list, rolled on the floor laughing his head off, Sedition and Perdition, back to work after a long lay-off, found out.
“Imagine this list is supposed to be one of the most authentic source on the monies of the richest people in the world and their worth and value of their real assets,” said Hasan Ali to SedPerd, after he could control his wild laughing spree. “And only Indian name on the list, ha, ha, ha… never before knew these Forbes had a sense of humour.”
Soon Hasan Ali had tears in the eyes, when he confided to SedPerd, “If Balwa and Raja had not had their mobile phones switched off, I would have shared the joke with them. They would have had real fun laughing at this joke, trust me, they would laugh as much as me.”
“According to the Forbes list, which claims to rank assessment of wealth and assets of the world's billionaires – there are only 1,210 worth people $1bn. Ha, ha, ha… guess how many horses I sold to how many who have successfully never made it to the list,” Ali explained to SedPerd. “Why, from sheer memory, I can recall that many in Delhi, Mumbai, Hyderabad, Chennai and Bangalore alone, ha, ha, ha.”

“The biggest joke to me is that Carlos Slim Helú and family from Mexico, worth only $74.0 billion based on the market capitalization of Telmex, América Móvil and Bill Gates, worth $56.0 billion after all his charities, might put together not be worth as much as say a particular family in Chennai. No, no, I can’t tell you that the old patriarch always wears dark glasses and began his humble life scripting fantastic to believe film stories. Guess he still does,” confessed Hasan Ali.
“The third richest man is not Warren Buffett of Berkshire Hathaway with a worth of $50.0 billion,” he began with a slight anger. “But, ha, leave it…. You could mine that much in Bellary in a decade, or loot a state in a single 5-year stint as a chief minister before you die. Ha, money, strange, isn’t it – how hard it is for some, and how easy it is for some others?”

“Leave politicians and businessmen, how much do you think all the 5,000 odd I-am-Sorry service bureaucrats put together are? Slim chance any gate can withstand that, eh?” he asked angrily. “Of course, all of us knew we won’t make it to Forbes list, but then cutting a neat 30 per cent of income taxes, to begin with – on an illegal earning in the first place, largely graft for quid quo pro or hawala – still can make you wonder why this list should be taken seriously,” he explained.

“Yes, Mukesh bhai is there to showcase the growing India at $27 billion, but Forbes insults India by making him the only Indian on the list. Why, I could make a list of at least 10 people who are richer than the richest 10 anyday. Stacking Rs 70,00,000 crore in Switzerland banks is not good enough for Forbes to re-consider their method of evaluating monies, eh?”

“I am not a mini-billionaire with only a few thousand crores like Koda or Kalmadi to look at this list in awe. It is hilarious to me and everyone in my inner friends circle would agree,” he clarified.

Suddenly remembering he had business to attend, Hasan Ali asked, “pray, what do you want – a horse, or some neat cash to disappear? An article… what article, fucking pathetic tax-paying, honest, poor scumbag… buzz off.”

Who is reading which books in India?

2011-02-21T22:34:00.000-08:00

1. Karunanidhi: (How to loot..) 'Wealth of Nations'
2. Sonia: Keys to a Kingdom
3. KCR: Sex, Scotch and Scholarship.
4. Jagan: Inheritance of Loss.
5. Chiranjeevi: The Idiot.
6. Kalmadi: Honor Amongst Thieves.
7. L K Advani: Goodbye to all That.
8. DMK Raja: Not a Penny More, Not a Penny Less.
9. Mamata Banerjee: Lady Chatterjee's Lover.
10. Manmohan Singh: Importance of Being Earnest and Other Plays
11. Narendra Modi: The Reluctant Fundamentalist.
12. Chandrababu Naidu: Death of a Salesman.
13. Mukesh Ambani: Dream Merchants.
14. Yedurappa: The Malgudi Days.
15. Mayawati: On Her Majesty's Secret Service
16. Jayalalitha: The Second Lady.
17. Arnam Goswami: Sound and Fury.
18. Niira Radio: Aunts aren't Gentlemen
19. Shah Rukh Khan: Moby Dick.
20. Binayak Sen: Prisoner of Zenda.
21. Swami Nityanand: Way of all Flesh
22. Rahul Gandhi: Elephants can Remember
23. Prakash Karat: Gone with the Wind.
24. Kasab: A Passage to India.
25. Singer Rahat: Train to Pakistan.
26. Kanimozhi: Prodigal Daughter.
27. Hosni Mubarak: Farewell to Arms.
28. Ganguly: Nothing Lasts Forever.
29. Medha Patkar: A Bend in the River.
30. Tendulkar: 100 years of Solitude.

"Almost always, I have chosen heroes and greatness, in life and literature"

2010-09-13T00:26:00.000-07:00

Friday, September 10, 2010: Fallon Johns Interviews Journalist and Author Sriram Karri about living and the struggles in his homeland India by Million Dollar Book Reviews (MDBR)

Fallon Johns: I am very humbled and honored that you have chosen to interview with Million Dollar Book Reviews... I appreciate the opportunity.
Sriram Karri: I am hoping this opportunity – a privilege indeed for me – will make me as famous as MDBR, besides adding as many dollars to my bank balance.
FJ: We appreciate the compliment we take major pride in all that we do here at MDBR and all that we accomplish… Sriram you are most definitely going to be a house hold name because you are a great writer and an awesome person. (Smile) Sriram tell our audience members who are not too familiar with you and your work a little about yourself.
SK: I was born in small town in central India during its socialist seventies… no, this won’t do. It is too much like the David Copperfield thing and all… and much as I love Dickens, we must afford to take an approach la Catcher in the Rye. I was born in a mentally retarded country (the first line of my novel). I have always wanted to write, ever since I started reading story books and realized some people actually wrote this stuff. It gave me a sense of wonderment, a feel of power, to be able to script events in a way one wanted. Being part of a huge joint family, rather poor, albeit at times when India was a poor nation too… books was all there was; to read Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn, with a hope to be able to write that way, some day, soon… almost everything else in life was a consequence of this desire to be such a great writer.

FJ: I can definitely relate in a way, books were a great escape for me at times growing up because life in my household was very tough at times. I grew up in a poor neighborhood and my mother didn’t allow me to play outside because of the danger so books were my salvation. I can feel the passion in your words and can imagine what it was like growing up in a “mentally retarded country”.
Throughout your 14 year career you have experienced a lot of fantastic positions, you have been a journalist, technical writer, corporate communications and branding professional, technology and social entrepreneur, corporate trainer, orator(eloquent skilled public speaker) and now an author… Where does your great work ethic and drive come from?
SK: There were spiders in my crib when I was a baby. This gave me the creeps and I have been moving quickly and keeping my eyes open ever since.
Seriously, understand the source of inspiration came from the bedside stories my mother narrated and read to me as a kid. These would often be improvisations of Ramayana and Mahabharata, the two great epics of Hindu mythology, besides great tales of historic and mythological heroes, which molded my sense of heroic in life. The embers of a fire such planted into your soul don’t die easy.
Almost always, I have chosen heroes and greatness, in life and literature. Since I was into the business of writing for life, yet aware the writing break will take time, I tried various things in life.
After school, I made it to the Indian National Defense Academy (Air Force), but was medically rejected. After college, I worked for two leading Indian newspapers, and then moved to corporate branding with large software corporations. The core of everything I did revolved around the twin passions, and skills, of being able to speak and write well. And a larger zeal to ensure yet another life does not go without making the inner gifts worthwhile.

FJ: Sriram you have an amazing way of looking at things, very positive! Your mother sounds like a very inspirational woman who helped to mold you into a great man. Positive heroic stories give people a sense of hope, especially children. Making the inner gifts worthwhile is where our legacies will come from… Sriram that was very well said (smile). I noticed that you are an atheist. Can you explain your reasons for disbelieving in the existence of a higher being?
SR: About India, you would know there are a few millions of gods to be shared amongst a billion people. It has occurred to some of us who are the reason everyone thinks all Indians are very smart that to worship any one of these gods would create divine jealousies among the rest of them. So we feel safer to die and go nowhere in particular, rather than picking the wrong god. Our system may seem strange to Westerners who have always each one invented a particular version of a ‘One True God’, who may forgive a few million misconceptions about him in exchange of permanent residence in your Western skies.
Actually, my Indian roots are terribly religious, ritualistic and often, given bad governance, god is often the only hope in life for millions of people. Even in the socialistic sixties and seventies, while the politics of communism found favor, its atheism was never in popular acceptance. I have never liked the idea of a “god” governing my life too strongly; and we have lived reasonably autonomously since.

FJ: Wow! That’s a very interesting story and also some interesting facts about religion in India… I believe everyone has the right to choose if they believe in a higher being or not. We are all taught in different ways. I respect that you choose not to pick a religion and definitely understand your reasons why.
Sriram, you reside in India; for all of us who have not been there, take us on a journey and explain to us what its like to live there.
SR: Fallon, we now have jeans, T-shirts, sneakers and call centers. Oh, yes, and also, very cheap music. Throw in some elephants and palm trees; the rest would tax the patience of all but the sleepiest scholars. Conveniently, however, I have written a little piece in my novel called “India in 90 seconds,” which will cover a few thousand years for those accustomed to sound bytes and PowerPoint presentations.
Like most Asian developing nations, India is a fascinating balance of the modern and the ancient, the rich and poor, the intelligent and stupid, all thrown in together in a slushy, chaotic, blender; which keeps churning fascinating spectacles, kaleidoscopic and phantasmagorical. It contains contradictions, hope and despair co-exist, and the overall sense of impact is heart-churning and mind-boggling. And yes, makes a great canvas to paint a large-scape literary masterpiece.

FJ: I love the way you explain things… so intelligent with a hint of humor (smile). India sounds like an interesting place and is definitely on my list of places to visit.
Are there things going on in your country that you would like to bring attention to or change?
SK: You must be psychic in asking me about it. I have written a whole novel about this, besides having devoted my columns in The Guardian (Comment is Free) and The New Indian Express (Sedition and Perdition) about it. It is the challenges of managing the extremes: of reason, of fairness, of wealth and power, of opportunity and hope – there are those who have so much of it, the world seems too small; and then are those, who have nothing. We have nuclear weapons and are headed for the moon. Somehow this path will sound vaguely familiar. But with luck, we may stumble into even more useful pursuits. We have loads of cars, little space to drive them; we have mobile phones and nothing much, or time, to talk to; we have television and no entertainment; maybe, amidst our new wealth creating phase, my country will realize its soul is missing, and maybe even search for it, outside the Google god, and perhaps even find it.

FJ: That’s really deep Sriram, I have read a few pieces you have written and I love your writing because you know exactly how to appeal to the reader. When reading your work I actually feel like I’m there experiencing all that you write about. You are giving your country a voice and I know that will make a huge difference in the long run, Change always starts with one person who has a heart of gold and exceptional mind power and you are that person. Are you an active member of your community?
SK: I do not understand this question. Do you mean, do we have Homeowner’s Associations and do I go around to each yard making sure that the clothes lines are exactly three inches below visibility over the resident’s fences?
Today in India, community as an idea itself is changing. We used to have a good well connected social living a few decades ago, in smaller towns. Bigger cities have more organized societies of common interest, but little sense of belonging. That is the one thing I see about say America, where people are linked through activity to others. So we do go and participate in Organizations for Cleaner Cities, or Save the Snakes, but have no idea who our next-door neighbor is.
There are of course less petty ways of being helpful to my community. I like to think that I am constantly involved, in an unorganized, absolutely-individualistic way, an intellectual battle to make my country more introspective and a bit less unfair and oppressive.

FJ: It is a lot like that here as well, people don’t take the time anymore to know who there neighbors are and in my opinion that’s kind of sad. I know growing up as a child everyone in my neighborhood knew each other, a sense of “family” in a way. Things have most definitely changed.
Tell our audience about your first book “Spiritual Supermarket”. What sparked you to write this book?
SK: The book is about a supermarket, where only four companies are allowed to sell their wares since time immemorial. These four companies are: Religion, Politics, Reason and Violence.
Hence, when Religion launches ‘God’ as a product, Politics responds with its competing ‘Nation’. Violence creates joint ventures with both God and Nation to create Crusades and War; while all along Reason suffers, with low acceptance for its products.
Their competition, collaboration, joint ventures, and major products, shape entire stretch of human history… demonstrating that the same forces which poisoned Socrates were responsible for 9/11.
As to how the idea happened… a little studying of the matter, which gave me a small case of insanity and a lot of humor, which helped return it. I mustn’t say too much though. Nothing is more boring than reading about an author’s process of writing a book, which hasn’t made a billion dollars or been converted into a major Hollywood movie.
FJ: Sounds like a great book and I know that all of our readers today will be looking forward to reading it!
You have a novel making its debut next year called “Autobiography of a Mad Nation” can you give us a snippet of what it’s about?
SK: It is like a ‘My India and Me’ story; only the me in this story is very angry. It is like your relationship with your mother; you love her and at times of irritation with her, wished she was dead, or maybe had never born.
A story of a generation of people who have witnessed the most significant events of the nation, seen its own impact on their lives… and decide to impact the nation in return.
A story, at another level, also of will you betray your friend for your country, or rather sell of your country for your best friend?
It is about a young man who confesses to a murder he did not commit; because that is the only way he can draw attention to an international terrorist ring. A series of questions, thrown to the country by the accused, and a saga unfolds… I hope I have intrigued you enough to read it when it is out.
One of my favorite lines is, for instance, when young Vikrant Vaidya sends his queer mercy petition to the President, he writes… Mr. President, I hope you have read Catcher in the Rye. Else, what is the point in being a president of a country but not having read Salinger?
FJ: Your book sounds really amazing! I am very intrigued and I can not wait to read it! MDBR family here is another fantastic book for you all to look out for. Sriram were can you books be purchased and how can you be contacted?
SK: I blog and post my writings at oratorgreat.blogspot.com. I write columns for The Guardian (Comment is Free) and a column named, Sedition and Perdition, for The New Indian Express. I can me emailed at oratorgreat@gmail.com. My book, The Spiritual Supermarket is available online in all Indian online stores.

FJ: Before we end can you leave our audience with some inspirational words that keep you inspired and motivated?
SK:Be careful of spiders! They are not to be trifled with, mentally OR physically! And on a more serious note, to all those who write, never, never give up. It will surely happen one day. Your brilliant words will find the people who will enjoy it. Till then, just write, and write more… and wait till someone like Fallon at MDBR happens to email you.

FJ: I couldn’t have said it better myself (smile)…
Thank you again Sriram for this amazing experience I wish you the best of success.
SR: Thanks to you for the opportunity to look within and look back, hope to be able to report back on various successes in times to come, and of course, to read your interviews with various fascinating voices from across the globe. I think you are doing an awesome job, and count me in as a fan of yours.

FJ:Your kind words warm my heart and I thank you so much for this amazing opportunity. You are truly an awesome person who we all will be seeing a lot of in the near future. You have without a doubt gained a new fan (ME) and interviewing you has been such a pleasure… And again welcome to the MDBR family!

Art of Living to launch new kung-fu sudharshan kriya

2010-06-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

In an exclusive finding in the arena of spiritual innovation, Sedition and Perdition found out that Sri Sri Ravi Shankar will soon be launching a new form of Sudharshan Kriya, integrated into a comprehensive new meditation programme aimed at the overall well-being of people, including their direct survival requirements and a quick method to duck bullets from any deranged gun wielder.

Fictional sources at the Art of Living Foundation told SedPerd that while the Sudharshan Kriya, developed by Sri Sri based on several years of meditation, research and learnings from the past, was sufficient for the well-being of the soul till recently, he recently experienced some stirring moments, which laid bare to his visionary and divine eyes the minute shortcomings inherent in the programme.
“The new programme will take care of the needs of the soul, the urge to overcome material instincts, evolve higher and nobler thoughts — and make you fit enough to escape the random bullets of any shooter,” fictional sources at the AOL told SedPerd. “It simultaneously takes care of both spiritual needs and protects you from people wanting to murder you.”

“We sit in a deeply relaxing pose, eyes closed, opening them once in a while looking around suspiciously to ensure there is no assassin lurking. If there is none, continue with the deep breathing, if there is, remove the gun from below your meditation mat and fire at him. Do this without having any hatred for the assassin, but make sure you don’t miss the guy,” they said.

“After you’ve focused on your breathing, get up suddenly, run to the wall, hide, raise the pistol to the top of the wall and fire in the air. Don’t expose your head to allow the murderer on the other side a clean view of your head. Then deep breathe again, and focus on the lord, the universal force, feel the cleansing within your soul… but constantly keep watching for any unusual sounds,” they informed SedPerd.

SedPerd also learnt that AOL was finalising the new meditation attire comprising a simple, thin khadi top kurta, dhoti, a bulletproof vest and night-vision goggles.

“Similarly, we will make slight modifications to our ancient-age satvik diet to include a few dishes adapted from the commando programs of the Indian army,” they said.

AOL sources also confirmed to SedPerd the modifications to the new military-spiritual programmes to be provided by the Foundation to its full-time sevaks, acharyas and the more devoted of its volunteers.

“A mandatory firing hour at the newly-constructed shooting range, kung-fu, besides the usual singing, praying, service and meditation modules will be imparted. Our teachers can now not only teach meditation but can also suddenly get up, do a cartwheel, punch a potential killer before kicking and maiming him. They can also throw a small knife, to be hidden and carried under their sleeve, from a great distance,” the sources said.

They also confirmed that Gurudev, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar himself has now inducted a special elite group of security men, the best drawn from across the world, who will be meditating with him all the time, ensuring they draw spiritual solace from Him while ensuring no more hanky panky stray gunman can get anywhere near.

“Previously, he used to be surrounded by these lean, thin acharyas who used to be perfect in the previous format of the Sudharshan Kriya. The new folks around him, while they are learning Sudharshan Kriya, are also expert at security detailing, martial arts, sharpshooting, all of Sri Sri now realises are perfect, needs to be able to grow one’s soul and merge with the Larger One,” they explained to SedPerd.

When quizzed if the call of Sri Sri to the possible assassin to come and join their programme had got any response, they responded in the negative. “But we are proactively seeking him out on our own… and when we find him, we will ensure that we help him meet the great God who made us all. Yes, we will sponsor his journey to heaven, — or hell, with a spirit of full forgiveness and love for his misguided soul.”

In a parallel incident, the wannabe assassin of Sri Sri told SedPerd in this fictional account that he would join the Sudharshan Kriya after news channels confirm that the parcel bomb he has sent with love for Gurudev has been opened by him personally, tearing apart the insignificant lusty body of Sri Sri and integrating his immortal soul with the Almighty.

PM annoyed by enthusiasm of young novices wanting to replace him

2010-05-30T23:18:00.000-07:00

In response to his clarion declaration that he would step down from the post of Prime Minister during his first press conference to mark the completion of one year by UPA-2, Dr Manmohan Singh found scores of young novices from across the country who applied for his job, claiming to meet the requirements specified by him, only to be heartbroken and crestfallen, Sedition and Perdition found out.

"I am ready to step down for a young leadership," Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh had barely announced on TV, when 32-year-old Jeevan Reddy from Hyderabad rushed with his application to the PMO, SedPerd found out exclusively. "I am young, finished my college, six years in software but currently unemployed. I am ready to take over the affairs of the country,” he tweeted, only to be given a private reply from the PMO, "Sorry, we can’t invite you to be PM."
Deepak Kumar from Mumbai, who sent a courier with his full advertising agency portfolio and works, including an unfinished film script, wrote in his opening letter, "I am dedicated to serving the nation, can handle client accounts and wish to apply for your post if you are ready to quit," PMO sources told SedPerd. He was sent a telegram, "We wish you the very best with your film script. The post for the young leader has already been taken… unfortunately you applied late."

Sudip Das from Kolkata referred the PMO officials, through email, his blog, his poetry, snaps of him performing at a singing concert in the US, among others, besides his college certificates for debating and the youth leadership conclave and exchange programs he attended as qualifications. "You are amongst our best applicants, but we regret to say you are not who we have in mind."

Shweta from Delhi explained her NGO work, political science degree and progress in the preparation for Civils are the merits, "Besides, it will be handy being a girl. Of course, I am not an expert in economics, but given that I only have to maintain a double-digit inflation, surely, anyone could manage that."

Uttam Singh from Uttar Pradesh sent snaps of himself addressing farmers in his village, the agitation he led against ragging at college, besides his ability to stand up for a cause, taking ethical decisions based on convictions and the inspiration he drew from Mahatma Gandhi as pluses, only to be told by the PMO, "Apply for a post in Youth Congress. For this post, we are looking at someone whose name is Rahul."

When word spread that caste, religion, gender, family affiliation and money mattered, people from different parts of the country starting applying with clear indications in the bio-data of their caste, linkage to powerful names and the money they could spend; only to be told that the combination, or scale, was just not a prefect match.

"It is one thing for your father to be an MP, a liquor baron or a former minister, and quite another for you to be considered qualified for the young leadership the Prime Minister mentioned. It is weird if in a democracy, people can’t clearly understand what its leader says openly in the media. Frankly, we are tired of these applications," a PMO source told SedPerd.

"I am Rahul Sinha," applied a youngster from Bihar, a student leader, known for his local political clout, muscle, money, ancestry at district-level and ambition. The PMO brushed him aside, asking him to focus on state-level politics and try and get an MLA ticket in the elections slated for later his year. "We are not looking for just any Rahul... it is a specific Rahul... no, not Dravid, or Mahajan, or Bajaj either... a young Rahul with G as his family name. No, goddamn, not Rahul Gowda for godsake... don't you guys understand."

The PMO told SedPerd that all mobile phones would be switched off if these SMS applications did not stop, just as an "out-of-office" would be put for the emails. The caller-tunes on the cells of the PMO officials now say, "Thanks for your juvenile keen interest in wanting to be Prime Minister. We have now closed the offer as the job has been taken."

Sociologists and political thinkers explained that while Manmohan Singh, a loyal Congressman, thinks that subservience to the Gandhi family is a given, while every politician knows that hereditary clout matters the most, youngsters keen to play a role in their country’s affairs will exude such stupid optimism.
After browsing through thousands of applications, SedPerd pick the one they loved most… a colourful postcard from a small village in Chattisgarh, sent by a little girl, aged nine. "I want to be PM like you. If you make me PM, I will do a lot to help little girls like me… so they go to school and study and become like you. Plus, I will not take bribes, or give importance to caste or religion... only merit. Trust me, my teacher has written in my report that I am very hard working, honest and sincere."

"If this nine-year-old was actually made PM, maybe, you never know, she might just be able to do better than UPA-2," added experts. "Or maybe, we are just not ready for it."

PM calls for ceasefire, peace talk, between Congress Ministers

2010-05-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

In a major development of national significance, in a move that promises to change the contours of conflict in the nation’s highest echelons of politics, Sedition and Perdition found out that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has called for an immediate ceasefire and invited all warring parties for peace talks in New Delhi, over which he would preside.

“I invite all warring political parties to instantly announce a ceasefire, if only for 72 hours, to facilitate peace talks and to build a platform for long-lasting peace and harmony,” the Prime Minister announced, revealed fictional sources in the PMO exclusively to SedPerd.

“He was, of course, referring to all his Cabinet colleagues and senior party leaders, who are at war with each other,” the sources clarified to SedPerd. “This has no reference to the peace talks or ceasefire called for by the Home minister… in fact, the peace talks to be conducted by the Prime Minister between all senior ministers and party colleagues has to succeed for any call by the home minister to the Naxals, or any other development in any ministry in the country has to succeed.”

According to sources, this important development is a result of the long-standing conflict engaged in by all the ministers in the UPA government, ironically, all belonging to the same party, leading to controversies of various scales and levels.

“The peace talks will begin after Digvijay Singh, Mani Shankar Iyer and P Chidambaram give up arms against each other and undertake a ceasefire for 72 hours. We will also hope to bring in former minister of state Tharoor, Union railway minister for Bengal Mamata Banerjee, minister of Chinese business environment Jairam Ramesh, among others to these talks, or so the Prime Minister hopes,” SedPerd’s fictional sources in the PMO said.

Ruling out any threat to the government from allies or the Opposition, after completing its first year in office, UPA II think tanks have earlier met and discussed various other means of solving the problem, but after all other measures failed, the Prime Minister decided to step in and take matters head on.

“The central government is firmly in the saddle, thanks to our allies like the CBI. We see no threat, save from our own senior leaders and cabinet ministers,” they said.

“We were starting to congratulate each other on the total lack of credible opposition or alternative to us from the perspective of either voters or political partners. Never did we believe trouble could be so homegrown,” PMO sources told SedPerd.

However, immediately after the idea of peace talks came up, all hell broke loose, again. Mamata Banerjee ruled out participating in talks in Delhi, claiming it was a Communist ruse to divert her attention away from Bengal. “First they cause a stampede, now this. Let the peace talks be held in Kolkata, while I fight the real battle with the CPM.”

Welcoming the call for peace talks, Chidambaram told SedPerd, “I have the highest regard for the Prime Minister, but if I have to attend any talks to which Digvijay Singh is a party, I will do so only if my keen supporters from the BJP are allowed.”

Dismissing the possibility of the talks succeeding, Digvijay Singh told SedPerd that he would rather directly talk to the Naxals about development than talk to a "certain intellectually arrogant minister, who is hell bent on getting all our CRPF men killed".
Political watchers welcomed the peace talks initiated by the Prime Minister but would not comment whether it would succeed or if the ceasefire would hold for a reasonable amount of time.

“It is only a matter of time before either Jairam Ramesh takes on other Union ministers, or environment, defence and foreign affairs engage in another match. No, as long as there is no threat to the government from its allies, much less so from the Opposition, the Congress leaders will create their own battles and fight it. Ask Rosaiah about that, if you don’t believe us,” they told SedPerd.

Now, Hang Kasab, Fast

2010-05-18T02:26:00.000-07:00

An year ago, I had argued that India must try Kasab fairly not for the sake this case alone, but to allow its judicial supremacy to prevail and to re-establish its credibility as a just and fair society.

In a fast-paced trial which concluded on May 6, 2010, India has done just that – it ensured that lone survivor of the November 26, 2009 terrorist attack on Mumbai – Ajmal Amir Kasab – was given a fair trial, ensured he understood the process and proceedings, all his rights were as an under-trial were honoured and yet reached a judgment without the usual inordinate delays.
M L Tahaliyani, judge presiding over the special anti-terror court gave pronounced capital punishment for 22-year-old Kasab on five counts of murder, conspiracy to murder, waging war against India, abetting murder and committing terrorist activities under the Unlawful Activities Prevention Act, saying that a lesser sentence for a terrorist like Kasab will be a lingering danger to the Indian society and government.

The country now faces another challenge – delay not in justice but in carrying out the dreaded death sentence. Strangely, the death sentence does not divide Indian society as much as Western societies – death, especially in cases of heinous crimes, finds large public approval.
Despite the media orchestrations, public approvals and demands for getting “tough against terror”, the Indian government has wavered and dithered on actually implementing the death sentence. The last death sentence implemented in India was in August 2004; that of rapist and murderer Dhannanjoy Chatterjee, after a 14-year-old legal battle, including several mercy petitions and judicial reviews.

Currently, there are 29 mercy petitions pending with the President, including the most controversial and media-covered petition for Afzal Guru, sentenced to death and upheld by the Supreme Court for his links to the attack on Indian Parliament. The petition was so strongly debated that previous President APJ Abdul Kalam “slept” on the case till he retired.

The present President of India, Ms Pratibha Patil, too has ensured that she does nothing about the petition, despite the government coming into attack from right-of-center political forces and right-wing media, for “being soft on terror and unable to hang a terrorist”.
Another famous mercy petition in for the LTTE terrorists who were part of the conspiracy to assassinate former prime minister Rajiv Gandhi.
Worse, after a recent visit by Priyanka Gandhi to the prison, where she met Nalini Sriharan, one of those sentenced to death, petitions were filed to release her. Nalini, whose sentence was suspended to life imprisonment after a clemency plea was filed, ironically, by Rajiv Gandhi’s widow Sonia Gandhi, continues to be on life imprisonment after the State government turned down such pleas.

Kasab can now appeal against the sentence to the Supreme Court, and if the highest court upholds his death sentence, can appeal for mercy, first to the Governor of Maharashtra, and finally, the President of India.

India must continue to ensure Kasab gets his fullest rights during every single part of this process, but must exercise a will and determination to quickly and rightfully hang Kasab, if the Supreme Court upholds the sentence.
The Governor and President must reject the mercy petition immediately and not let the Kasab trial, which has been conducted exceptionally well, turn a farce and delay the rightful expression of justice in this “rarest of rare cases.”

It is not sufficient to have a fast-paced anti-terror court or pass touch laws against terror. India must respect the cops who fought on the terrorized streets of Mumbai, several of them sacrificing their lives to nab Kasab alive and the brave judge, who honourably conducted a free and fair trial and delivered his sentence. India must now stand up to hang Kasab without a delay, as its first act of resolution to fight terrorism.

Kasab's exclusively confesses about his funny trial

2010-05-16T22:34:00.000-07:00

In a sensational discovery, Sedition and Perdition were astonished and shocked to find that Mohammed Ajmal Amir Kasab, lone survivor of the terrorist carnage in Mumbai that started on November 16, 2008, and now sentenced to death by the fast track terrorist court established to try him, was himself pretty surprised that the government of India had such limitations and restrictions in hanging him to death, despite his obvious crime.

"In the name of rights, they have to cater to every whim of mine, they have to give me food and medicines, religious texts, allow me a lawyer, defend me with their funds, all this despite my having wreaked such destruction, death and havoc so openly," he told SedPerd in a fictional exclusive interview, full of surprise. "There I was with a gun and unrestricted mission to kill. What do you make of it?"
"Even after I was given the death sentence, the judge spoke nicely to me. I thought he would just take a gun out of his pocket and pound bullets into me. Instead, he told the cops to give me religious books, food and medicine. and, yes, can you believe it, pocket money for buying cigarettes. In return for killing police officers and innocent people without doubt or remorse, in front of television cameras; for waging a war against your country and democracy and for seeking to destroy it. . Guess what, now, I have a right to appeal against this sentence. Is something wrong with you, or with me and the country that sent me to do all this?"
Speaking about his funniest moments during the trial, Kasab confessed to SedPerd that he almost broke down laughing hearing his defence lawyer's arguments, "My lawyer said I was a human being, young, misguided, coerced into this mission, and above all, that with love I could be reformed. Can you believe how low a human being can fall, or how badly they lie.he actually said I was human and could be reformed. Maybe I should have requested a small reform session with him, with a small gun?"
Revealing his life since his arrest, Kasab said, "I guess I needlessly feared for the worst when I was caught. Images of torture, pain, methodical ways to break me down, humiliate me and violating my religious views were all flashing by me. Instead, they give me a good cell, clothes, food, medicine, lawyer, and something I never had before: real rights. If someone had told me this is how they treat terrorists caught after their act on camera, I would have dismissed it as a sick joke."
"Every now and then, when the cops would be taking me to court, or bringing me back from the trial to my cell, I thought they would beat me up or kill me. I would, in their place. It then struck me as strange that if I could kill anyone randomly and as I pleased, why should a country, its government and judiciary follow so many procedures just to hang me? Why do they have to be fair to me?" he asked SedPerd.

"Maybe, this is what democracy must mean. Rule of law. Human Rights. Tolerance. Providing for and abiding by dissent. Regarding for differences and diversity," SedPerd offered as suggestions.
"No, not that. I am thinking something else. If you can treat a proven, dreaded terrorist in a fair way, chances are, eventually, you will take care of everyone else equally fairly well. Muslims living in your country, your own citizens, are certainly better off than living under a theocracy, or a military dictator. They are not some poor victims who need me and my likes to come to fight a jihad for them," he said, suddenly sobbing.
He added, "Say, whoever you are, will you say I am sorry to everyone in your country once they hang me?"

Piracy industry outperforms economy during rescission

2010-05-09T00:46:00.001-07:00

Sedition and Perdition were following up on the fate of various industries during the course of the recession of the last two years and their chances and scope of recovery this year only to shockingly find out that the one industry that has not been given due credit despite having given great results has been the Piracy industry.

Going through the numbers of various industries, its key players and their performances, SedPerd discovered that Piracy was one industry that did not, contrary to the general economy, suffer much. In fact, its sales went up, revenues rocketed, and since taxes don’t apply to it in principle, had huge profits.

“Yes, we actually grew during recession,” piracy industry experts revealed to SedPerd with pride and satisfaction, even as the our core competitor sectors like media, entertainment, movies, music, books and art actually fell down, some still reeling from our far lower-costing products and services.”

“The movie industry, for instance, has been suffering from losses, be it Bollywood, television movies segment, even official DVD and VCD sales. In contrast, we made money even on those flop movies. That is because we are making better products, making them available in easier ways to consumers and at far lesser costs. Of course, the support of the government in exempting us from taxes and compliances makes us competitive, but the truth is we are more consumer-friendly.”

“When fans want to see a movie in a cheap DVD format on the day of the release, movie industry expected them to go to plush theaters, spend obscene amounts, and then wait for months for the home version. It is this service gap that we in the piracy business bridge,” they explained.

“The music industry, for instance, worldwide is going through its last rites. For instance, we estimate that official music industry might have a global revenue of somewhere between $100 to $250 dollars, for which they must have invested over $10 billion or so. In contrast, we have the least investment, around say, the same $100 to $250, but our revenues run into over a billion,” piracy industry officials told SedPerd.

“In the realm of arts, which is where our industry originated, fakes have always sold for more revenues than the originals for the sheer volume advantage we have. I mean, how many original van Goughs or Picasso, Ravi Vermas or MFs can there be… with us, you are talking numbers,” they said. “This year too, we have kept our edge.”

“Ha, books, the less said the better. It is absolutely our favourite segment… authors, editors, agents and publishers come in the way of readers getting their favourite novel or self-help at an affordable price. When it comes to choosing between a few hundreds of starving authors and a handful of bankrupt publishers versus several thousands of potential readers who have to go without a good read, our choice is very clear,” official representatives of piracy business houses revealed.

Condemning the society in general and media in particular, they said, “despite creating jobs, satisfying our consumers, generating revenue and making profits, we are not given any respect or honour. We don’t qualify for business awards. We are not, in popular perception, anything good? For how long should we serve society and be looked down upon despite the good results?”

“We expect subsidies, land, permanent IP and tax waivers, and yes, respect. Look at China? Do you or do you not want Indian piracy to grow as big as them?” they demanded angrily. “Don’t blame us if we fall behind in this segment.”

Speaking of the future of the industry, they said they were optimistic, despite hurdles and challenges, “Duplicate manufacturing in pharma, retail, FMCG, textiles, shoes, mineral water, soft drinks, mobile phones, fertilizers, seeds, computers and other mid-tech areas will be the high growth area, besides our traditional hold in arts and entertainment. The big growth areas for the future must also hopefully include counterfeit currency, fake tickets in cricket matches, besides reviving the now largely defunct stamp paper, revenues papers and other such important government documents.”
Explaining their corporate social responsibility, they told SedPerd, “let this country not forget that every time they buy a fake or a pirated product or service, they are not just contributing to our coffers… they are also enabling us to sponsor terrorism. Now, that is a thought, isn’t it.”

And added, “say, is your column popular enough to reach to readers at a cheaper cost, faster… no, only 12 people read it… and those are free copies you pay for. You get some business, and leave the rest in peace.”

Phone tapping leads to strange conversations

2010-05-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

Sedition and Perdition was flummoxed with the stark differences and contradictions between its own exclusive findings of the transcripts of the telephonic conversations tapped by the government of various leaders and the actual claims made by them when contacted fictionally to clarify their stand, despite their giving allowances to the poor telephonic signal quality at times and some ‘censorship, typos and acceptable editing’ in the highly confidential government document.
For instance, as SedPerd explained to the Editor, the phone tapping has Sharad Pawar saying to Shashank Manohar, “I had discussion with Madam about Lalit; he is becoming a big fain in the gas. You may SMS or tweet his marching orders, and give a strong warning that if he dares open his dirty mouth about the stake my folks have in various teams.”
But in our fictional interview, Pawar claimed he said, “Lalit Modi’s contribution to IPL has been extraordinary, but law must take its own course. Do the best in the interests of the country, game and spare no one.”
In the transcript invented by SedPerd, Civil Aviation Minister Praful Patel was found saying to his daughter Poorna, “Of course, my angel beta, it is your own airline. Stop any airplane, take it to any destination, invite your friends on to the aircraft, make the pilot land it anywhere… yes, baby, hire limos to take your guests straight off the tarmac to where you like.”
However, when contacted by SedPerd in their fictional interview, Patel corrected the version, saying, “Air India is a national asset and as a Minister, I am only its servant. We can’t even imagine using it for our purpose… go buy a ticket for your friends only in economy and fly as any normal citizen would. I will be ashamed if you ever even mention to anyone that your father is a politician in power.”
Digvijay Singh to Mani Shankar Aiyar (fictional tapped phone transcript): I feel like kicking this Tharoor, Modi and IPL gang. We almost had the intellectually arrogant Chidambaram cornered and set to kick him out, when this damned thing took all attention.
Digvijay Singh (fictional clarification): In a democracy one has to subjugate one’s sense of priorities in favour of the preferences of the masses, and if they want to focus more on IPL controversies than India’s sovereignty and the Home Minister’s failures, so be it.
Mayawati (to her MPs in transcript): Listen you worthless dogs, go and support the government on the Floor against the Opposition’s cut motions. I don’t want no CBI knocking on my doors with summons to court, understand.
Mayawati (clarification): As responsible Parliamentarians, you should support the government in its continuation, so that while we continue our support based on principles and national interest, instead of falling into an opportunist opposition’s ploy.
N Chandrababu Naidu (transcript): How I wish I had thought of this IPL when I was the CEO…or better still, if somehow Jagan had brought down Rosaiah’s government and created that opportunity for me to sneak in as a CM, I would have had Obama to give away the trophy, and had all matches held in Hyderabad. By the way, Sitaram, do you think she is listening to all our calls? She is, well, big deal…we used to tap all calls YSR made as opposition leader and it hardly helped me. How about we do another bandh or something?
Naidu (clarification): The government must announce a JPC into IPL, match fixing, money laundering, role of politicians involved in teams. Phone tapping is a serious allegation; the government must come clean on it…it is a blackmailing tactic to pressurise the opposition and undemocractic.
Editor in Chief, The New Indian Express (transcript): Wish we had found someone better to write a column than this senseless ranting SedPerd. Wonder why readers are not protesting. Guess we must make an excuse out of articles coming late and behind deadline to fire them.
Editor, (clarification): What a great piece, yet again. You are my favourite, absolutely.

Tharoor bugged with PC for repeat 'thanks'

2010-04-25T23:27:00.000-07:00

Far from being angry with his party leadership for not backing him over his twin arguments of being a mentor to Kochi’s team keeping Kerala’s interests at the forefront and having made no financial gains in the entire stand-off with Lalit Modi, or even upset with Modi himself for having created a controversy causing him to lose his ministerial post, Shashi Tharoor is seething with rage with the non-stop thanks Home Minister P Chidambaram is sending him for having shifted the national, media and political attention away from the Naxal-State war, Sedition and Perdition found.

“I understand that any serious political observer would not bother with the IPL when the very issue of a country’s sovereignty is involved; and hence, the sudden shift of public attention away from the Dantewada massacre of CRPF jawans must be a relief for him, but I was polite enough to acknowledge his courtesy when he first came to me and thanked me,” Tharoor told SedPerd, saying he saw it as a highly insensitive even if sweet gesture.

“But when he ran into me again at Parliament courtyard when I was rushing to answer media queries, he smiles at me and pats me on the back, saying, ‘Hey Shashi man, thanks so much. But for you, I would have been doing what you are doing right now’, and I was like, hey, take it easy man,” Tharoor told SedPerd.

“I was rushing that evening to media studios when he called me not to wish me best of luck but to offer thanks again. ‘I can’t help thanking you Shashi, but for your heroic controversy, I would have been on the firing line… no, not the Naxal fire, but the media and political fire… thanks so much.’ I was furious enough with PC to give him a piece of my mind, but out of respect for a senior, kept quiet,” Tharoor confessed to SedPerd.

“But that was not the end of it, he texts me during the most difficult moment in the debate when I was answering these media hawks’ query about how I had neither benefited financially nor was I incompetent to handle my position, and hence the question of my offering to resign did not even arise. Now guess what? I get a text from PC… ‘thnx man Shashi, but for u, I wud be having to say that. Gratitude.’ I would have almost uttered a swear word on live TV,” said Tharoor, confessing his innermost thoughts.

“Hearing media speculation that I might have to face the axe from the Prime Minister himself, Chidambaram again texts me, saying, ‘all the best bro, but for you, I have little doubt who wud be meeting the PM right now’. I felt that was it,” he bared to SedPerd.

“Yet, this was not enough for our PC. On returning from my meeting with the PM, I find, yes, guess what, a page from a Home Ministry document on some strategic meeting to combat Naxalism with courage, with a smiley on the plain side, with a big ‘Thnx’ and ‘Guess Who?’ Come on, now, who would put it on my car’s dashboard… surely not Lalit Modi or Sharad Pawar?” he screamed at SedPerd, who were taking down notes of this fictional interview furiously.

“I really hope he persists like this on his job or something,” said Tharoor in visible fury. “After the Parliament was adjourned with the opposition baying for my blood, I go to the canteen when the waiter gets me a black coffee, pre-paid, with a ‘Many Thanks… for taking away all my troubles’ written on the coaster, and yet another smiley on the tissue paper. Is this guy real or what?” asked Tharoor.

Though not keen on confronting PC over this ‘silly sympathy series’, Tharoor has not finalised ways to end it. “There I was announcing my resignation to the media and the next day debating on my stand on the IPL standoff, and yes, I was receiving those silly, ‘great show Shashi man, thanks. I mean it, bro’ texts from him. I wish I had not given him my number at all,” he added.

Considering various ways to keep away from PC, including staying away from Parliament, leaving Delhi for a long holiday, spending some time in Kerala, or getting a new mobile number, Tharoor eventually dismissed them all.
“Anyway, the info would reach our great Home Minister as an intelligence input, right? No, I guess I have to suffer this… but now, I have to go and teach him how to Tweet. Yes, he asked me for it as a favour… guess he will not start Tweeting thanks to me or something. God, save me, can you?” he said, tears in eyes, walking away. “I should have won the secretary-general elections, I think.”

SedPerd agreed, and rushed to Tweet excerpts of the upcoming column to its 14-odd followers.

IPL controversies can't hide the fact: Cricket is dead, Long Live IPL

2010-04-22T00:30:00.000-07:00

The Indian Premier League has it all: big money, player auctions, cheer girls, Bollywood glamour. For a few weeks now, people across India have been finding ways to leave work early to watch the latest IPL action where city teams from Mumbai, Delhi, Chennai and others, represented by Indian and international players, are fighting for supremacy.

Cricket has changed radically since the historic afternoon with Kapil Dev’s devils conquered a West Indian team led by Clive Lloyd at Lords in June 1983, where 183 runs were defended in a 60-overs game, with the players wearing the traditional whites.

Some of the innovations have been good – white balls, coloured clothing with names of players, third umpires, faster run rates, better fielding, stump vision, crackdown on player aggression and sledging spinners opening bowling attacks. But the T20 does more, with big money and corporate ownership –so much so that even liberals who have supported innovation in the past feel this is just not cricket.

Not long ago, Indian and world cricket was reeling under the ghost of match fixing and players’ links to bookies and the underworld. Former Indian captain Mohammad Azharuddin was banned for life, Hansie Cronie died in mysterious circumstances before investigations could close, while several other players including Jadeja and Mongia barely got out with a five-year ban.

The heat from controversies like the death of Bob Woolmer, Pakistan’s coach during the 2007 World Cup, and the attack on Sri Lankan players in Lahore took a great toll on the game, taking its credibility and respectability to all-time depths.

Cricket looked like it would suffer from the loss of both credibility and interest; TV viewership and sale of tickets at stadia for both One-Dayers and Tests plummeted, other sports were gaining audiences, picking up from the losses of the erstwhile game for gentlemen. Then T20 and IPL happened, created as a panacea, but perhaps actually a Frankenstein.

Big money has brought players from across all countries suddenly interested in playing for city-teams of India, much like English county cricket was the desired destination for players since the early 1980s. No more complaints of excessive heat, spinning tracks, bad infrastructure or spicy food … English, Australian, West Indian, Kiwi and South African players were packing bags, even willing to retire early from test cricket, all for a stint in the IPL.

In the key week of IPL-3, however, new controversies have pushed the game back into disrepute.

In a bid to expand the 45-day, 8-team IPL, its Commissioner Lalit Modi, wunderkind, whose brainchild has turned into cricket’s newest fad into a money-minting success, called for auctions to bring in two more new teams from next season onwards.

Enter trouble. More companies, wheeler-dealers and ‘consultants’ were on the prowl, leading to darkhorse Kochi, a growing industrial city in Kerala down south, beating the fancied Ahmedabad franchisee, backed by power majors Adani Group and Modi himself.

The two franchisees created ruckus, with Lalit Modi, known to be backing Ahmedabad, allegedly having threatened, offered bribes and got two Union Ministers to “speak” to the Kochi franchisee owners to back off. The Kochi team owners claim Modi offered them $50 million to leave the auction.

They returned the favor, having controversy-lover External Affairs Minister of State, Shashi Tharoor, who failed as a contestant to the United Nations Secretary-General’s post, to speak and convince Lalit Modi to let Kochi team’s auction win prevail.

Modi broke the controversy into media limelight, ironically, on twitter, alleging a shady deal between Tharoor, his friend from Dubai, Ms Sunanda Pushkar, who received ‘sweat equity’ worth millions from Kochi in return for Tharoor’s involvement.

Tharoor hit back, calling Modi a fixer who did not like Kochi winning the auction, justifying his own role as being motivated by a desire to serve his constituency and develop his State.

Tharoor in turn also got Modi exposed in the media with planted stories of Modi's college day drugs and robbery escapades in the US, snaps of him with an international model and stakes owned by Modi's relatives and friends in various IPL teams. Accusations of bribes and threats from the underworld and Union Ministers alike flew both ways for two days in full media glare.

On early count, at least three Union Ministers are involved, of which, Shashi Tharoor looks like a shady dealer whose proxy gained free equity in the new franchisee, even as a purported call from the dreaded Dawood gang to kill Tharoor is doing rounds.

The opposition has called for Tharoor’s resignation, stalling the Parliament, even as the Central government has started Income Tax raids on Modi’s offices and even some of the franchisees. Suddenly, IPL matches were not half as exciting as the war of words and nerves, involving Union Ministers, underworld, Bollywood, proxies and international models… and the ‘feral’ TRP-starved media playing referee.

In quick developments, Shashi Tharoor, after maintaining that he was just a 'mentor' for the beleaguered Kochi team and having no financial benefits, resigned on the insistence of the Prime Minsiter. This, after this supposed proxy Sunanda "sacrificed" her sweat equity and resigned from the position.

A truce might yet be worked out so that the goose laying golden eggs may be saved, hard bargained negotiations might lead to a few ego-bruises, but fake smiles and pseudo handshakes before cameras might help bury the volcano beneath the carpet with the illusion of a happy ending. But not without it all adding to a sad realization, cricket is dead, long live the IPL.

Cricket is dead, Long live the IPL

2010-04-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

In what would be one of the last nails in the well-decorated coffin of cricket, Events whizkid and IPL Commissioner Lalit Modi has nearly finalised several reforms to IPL for the next year’s edition, among them, making one full toss compulsory per over, banning small towns from bidding for new franchises, recruiting women umpires, having a new shot for 10 runs and using management discretion to disallow “certain Union ministers” from watching the matches on the ground, Sedition and Perdition found.
“There are still several elements from the dead game called cricket, which need to be eliminated,” Modi explained to SedPerd, saying that he saw no possibility of BCCI being able to stop his juggernaut, given his monarchial power over IPL, and hence the Board.

“BCCI is meant to control cricket, whereas IPL is not cricket. It is IPL for Godsake, don’t keep calling it cricket.” Modi chided SedPerd, “One of the biggest challenges is to establish that it is not a contest between two teams, but merely the contest between the batsmen of either team. Bowlers are enablers for batsmen’s records.”
“The first of the reforms to the game, besides administrative reforms like women umpires or entertainment factors like a contest to ‘Dance with the Cheergirls’, is to make a full toss compulsory every over, failing which, the bowler will be warned after the fifth ball and the last ball, if it is pitched anywhere other than the batsman’s bat, will be called no-ball,” explained Modi.

“The IPL will also, incidentally, not allow certain Union ministers or his good friends, no matter how much free stake they have in a team I don’t want as a franchise, to be given tickets or allowed into our stadiums,” he said with a smile.

Seeking to allay apprehensions that either the Central government or the BCCI has leashed him, Modi said, “India watches IPL for two months and prepares the next 10 months for the next edition. This gives the government ample scope to continue to misgovern India while we distract the people’s attention. Can they afford to lose us? Wait, I must Tweet that…”
Returning with a smile, Modi said, “Cricket was a Dodo, on its deathbed, when I saved it. I stole ideas from various games from all over the world and created the IPL. Now imagine 10 huge balloons all over the ground for the batsman to hit and puncture and earn 10 runs for it. A Tenner! How would a Toyota Tenner or TVS Tenner sound? No, maybe I will pitch it to... yes, she will love that.”
“Similarly, I am not sure if should be the Videocon Full Toss or the Sprite Full Toss. No, I need better synergy. I also want to change the format of the Free Hit, after naming it the Nike or Coke Free Hit, wherein that delivery will be bowled by the wicketkeeper, with his gloves on, just a lob from behind the wicket, while the batsman smashes it…” said Modi laughing.

“I am actually a saint in disguise, striving incessantly for the maximum happiness of the maximum people,” said Modi.
When quizzed if IPL matches were fixed, he denied the rumours strongly. “Even my bookie keeps asking me about that, but no, why fix matches when I can, no, not fix, let us say create a level-playing field of having all eight teams win the tournament once during the first eight years? Besides, I don’t care who wins at that level.”
When SedPerd asked him about Kochi, Shashi Tharoor and Narendra Modi, he said, “I love Narendra, who doesn’t? And in any case, dictators always go for their peers? I must go now and start battle next and swing it for Ahmedabad away from the Kochi and get one Union Minister fired. I have to go… one last question, okay shoot.”

Hearing SedPerd’s question, he burst out laughing loudly, saying, “Hawala transactions, Twitter scandals, big monies, corporate arson, controversy, women, party, global limelight, political bedfellows, did I not already tell you, this is IPL, not some stupid cricket.”

Maya-led BSP patents currency-note Mala

2010-04-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

In a major development to the Intellectual Property quotient of Indian political parties, the Bahujan Samaj Party has applied for and successfully received a patent for garlands made up of currency notes, Sedition and Perdition found out.
“All political parties,” explained an elated BSP leader to SedPerd after the news of the granting of the patent broke out, “have tried to create IP in India, but the BSP has emerged the leader even in this area. Our leadership is to be congratulated for her role in making this possible against great odds.”
Explaining about the patent, the BSP leader said, “Our patent is applicable in several areas like showing respect and giving gifts, raising funds for the party and its leadership, celebrating birthdays — a garland made up of currency notes — the Maya Mala as it has been trademarked as will set a new benchmark in Indian politics.”
Despite the various difficulties created for it by the opposition parties, the judiciary, income tax officials and the media, the party has constantly worked on innovations and improvements on its earliest model of accepting bundles of notes, later on stitched together in the form of a crude garland, a prototype of the current-day patented product.

“We faced all odds because we feel that we have greater expertise and passion in the area of honouring our leader with something concrete, such as currency notes. Today, the acceptance from the patent office is an acknowledgement of our groundbreaking intellectual efforts in this area,” the BSP leader told SedPerd.

With the granting of the patent, any political party or leader accepting a garland of currency notes has to pay a royalty of 10 per cent to the BSP, besides having to allow the Bahujan leader wear it first.
Welcoming the success, Ms Mayawati, Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh and supreme leader of the BSP, told SedPerd, “This is the first of several patents and trademarks our party will get. The Maya Mala is both a product and process patent. For instance, we will also patent the way my party leaders fall on the ground and grovel in front of me; called the Maya Salute. This is just the beginning; you can expect several new innovative practices and firsts in Indian politics from us.”

Opposition parties condemned the granting of the patent, saying it was just a small modification and not a great development. “Neither from the perspective of accepting bribes, nor raising funds from partymen or rich benefactors does this model really help. We will find other ways rather than give any royalty to the BSP for this undeserving patent.”

Led by the Congress scion Rahul Gandhi, the Congress Party too shall step up its various efforts towards IP creation, having originally led the way by buying the rights of Jai Ho for its election campaign.
“For example, the entire process of Rahul baba’s visits and stay at Dalit villages is something we are very keen here in the UP Congress to patent. Similarly, the adoption of a constituency for a single family for decades is something we are keenly trying to document and stake a claim in its methodology,” a UP Congress leader confessed to SedPerd.

The BJP too is known to be working hard on various IP initiatives, including its unique model of being owned by a voluntary organisation, and may apply for patents for its mosque-demolishing techniques, its unique, fully-automated riot-starter and organising a systematic, low-cost pogrom, among others; unless the RSS vetoes the move.

Almost all other parties in India too are working hard on giving a befitting reply to the BSP for having taken such an age-old idea of bribery, showmanship and sycophancy and making an intellectual claim of it.

“The BSP patent is a big lie; we have given our leaders currency notes and garlands separately for ages. What is the big deal?” a regional party leader said.
Even before the opposition din over the Maya Mala patent had subsided, the BSP declared exclusively to Sedition and Perdition that they would now apply for a Self-Statue process, wherein, anyone seeking to use State funds to build one’s own statues and bankrupting the government to a point of being unable to send children schools, will have to get a authorised Maya Megalomania license from the Bahujan Samaj Party.

Naidu support Unified Andhra, Separate Telangana, Etc, Etc...

2010-04-04T00:47:00.000-07:00

In an exclusive interview with Sedition and Perdition, former chief minister and TDP president, Nara Chandrababu Naidu confessed to have cleared all options on Telangana, in principle, and having given his party leaders a right to agitate and press for any of the options best suited for them.
"Yes, after having analysed all options we have decided that we should support all these options, including a unified Andhra Pradesh, separate Telangana, creation of three States of each region - Andhra, Telangana and Rayalaseema; creation of Seema-Andhra, making Hyderabad the capital of Telangana, declaring Hyderabad a joint capital for any or all of these States, or creating a separate forth entity of the twin cities by creating a separate Union Territory," declared Chandrababu Naidu to SedPerd.
"As a responsible political party reflecting and backing the aspirations of various sections of people in the State, keen to get votes from everybody, oops, no, keen to stand for the views and opinions of all regions, we have decided to support all possible options," Naidu told SedPerd.

"We took a principled stand before the 2004 elections in the State in favour of a unified State, but the voters rejected the stand. Five years later, we tied-up with TRS to support a separate statehood for Telangana but it cut no ice with the voters. We have therefore decided that we will do a Congress and support not just both, but all possible options," said Naidu.

Little concerned about his erstwhile Vision 20:20 having been completely sidetracked and buried, Naidu said that he hopes his support-all approach would win the party, which started celebrations of its 29th anniversary, the votes of all people. "It must be that all people in the State must support one of these options... since we reflect their thinking, they must back us."
Having tried all options as an Opposition leader, including launching his party's electoral battle with several movie stars from the NTR family , opposing and supporting the Telangana movement, having an electoral understanding with the BJP and Communists at various times, opposing and supporting reforms, and then turning a supporter of electoral sops, populist moves and for giving a wide range of subsidies, Naidu confessed to SedPerd at being at his wit's end in trying to connect with the people of the State.
“Several people say I have lost the touch… from being a superstar performer of a Chief Minister and a Super Administrator who had the entire country and world eating out of his hand to an Opposition leader now on the verge of desperation. I am sure I can still perform wonders if I could become CM again. But how?” he cried out in pain and bewilderment.

“There was a time,” Naidu recalled, “when everything I touched turned to gold… I had the Midas touch. Now, no matter what I do, things just don’t seem to matter, either to the people or the farmers, women or the youth, middle classes or the illiterate, employed or the jobless, rich or poor… nobody seems to care anymore.”

When quizzed by SedPerd if he brooded on not having pulled the plug on the Vajpayee government over the Godhra riots or having taken a more humane view about Naxalite violence or having paid more attention to ryots during his reign, he just helplessly shrugged his shoulders.

"Maybe, maybe... one has so many viewpoints but can take only one decision. I might have been wrong."

Laughing in his unique no-laughter manner, Naidu declared, "We will do away with such approaches to having to take one-sided decisions. From now on, the TDP will take a decision to support all sides to any issue," he declared.

"Starting with Telangana, you will find the Telugu Desam on the right side of all issues for all segments at all times in all places. That should do the trick, ha, ha, ha."

Rosaiah upset State's 10 Earth Hours a Day ignored by World

2010-03-27T22:12:00.000-07:00

Deeply upset over the little or no credit given to the State of Andhra Pradesh for its sustained multiple Earth Hour over the last decade, Chief Minister Konijeti Rosaiah told Sedition and Perdition that despite having one of the highest environment-friendly levels of power supply in the world, the State was not getting credit for its achievement and he was therefore keen to boycott the so-called Earth Hour.

In an exclusive interview with Sedition and Perdition, he explained that AP was observing three to four earth hours a day uninterrupted for the last few years. "We are having no power, lights, fans, ACs or anything... just no power, or green power as we call it for all domestic users. We have also converted all industrial and commercial users to 24-7 power users to green power users with at least three to four Earth Hours being imposed on them. Yet, does anyone recognize our efforts?"
Rosaiah also explained how the Congress government had converted the villages of Andhra Pradesh into the "greenest of zones in the world", with over 16 Earth Hours everyday since a decade. "Every village is contributing to making the State green, by having absolutely no... oops, green power. What has the State received in return?"
Elaborating on the government programme to continue the initiative, Rosaiah explained, "We will continue with hours of green power, rudely and wrongly called power cuts by the media and a few realists, for all users including domestic, commercial and industrial. However, we will not observe the Earth Hour along with the rest of the planet as we are very upset with the lack of recognition."
When questioned by SedPerd about the lack of transparency and equality, the Chief Minister shied away and refused to elaborate, saying "some important functionaries like politicians and bureaucrats are exempted from the direct green movement because of their larger commitments."
Rosaiah was particularly upset that Abhishek Bachchan went and met Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit for promoting the Earth Hour and discuss plans to go blank for a "mere hour" but making much noise about it. "Why did Abhishek not come and meet me, or recognise our State despite so many Earth Hours?" he asked angrily .
"Andhra Pradesh is the greenest of zones in the world, with less than 30 per cent power supply per day on an average. I am delighted to have contributed to making this possible... if no one recognises us for it, so be it. We will express our love for the planet and make attempts to save it, with or without cynics who call it power cuts, or without Abhishek Bachchan,” said Rosaiah angrily, refusing to answer any further questions.

In a related development, Chief Ministers of 15 other Indian States questioned the achievements of Rosaiah, claiming to be observing more Earth Hours everyday in their respective States, with some claims mounting to 20 hours. ‘‘Indian villages abound which don’t light up anything using carbon fuels or electric power at all… what is so great an achievement here?” they asked.
Meanwhile, while the world prepares to go lights-off for an hour to save the planet, villagers suffering from 15 hours or more of power cuts regularly, wondered what SedPerd were talking about when questioned about Earth Hour. "Are people a concern when you save this earth," they asked SedPerd, who had no answer, but used the excuse of filing a report to run away from their miserable surroundings.
"But the earth will be safe..." the duo concluded for the sake of writing this article.

Women's Quota makes MPs hate reservations

2010-03-27T21:54:00.001-07:00

In secret disclosures made to Sedition and Perdition during insecure, pained and angry moments, several Members of Parliament, all of them incidentally men, made scathing remarks against the idea and philosophy of reservations, of which the women’s quota is a small subset, seeking for an end to this evil move on the start of a new movement based purely on merit.

“We were all set to start this session of Parliament with a business-as-usual-approach, trying to seek out special quotas, exemptions and favours for all of our constituents — farmers, women, youth, big businessmen, criminals — when this evil phrase hit us all — reservations for women in Parliament. It came upon me like a thunderbolt… how evil could it be that I would be stopped from serving my people merely because of my gender?” asked an MP, who has been elected from a reserved constituency for four terms now.

“Where is merit, I ask?” he demanded to know from SedPerd, “if any women can replace me merely because she is a woman? Is this not exploitation, discrimination and anti-merit?”

When SedPerd informed him that reservations have been in vogue in India since 1950, he expressed shock, “God, it can’t be true? Are you telling me this country is standing for it,” he asked.
A group of MPs, all elected to Parliament in succession to their own parents in constituencies reserved on the basis of caste condemned the move, highlighting its dangerous implications to the country. “Just imagine, for decades our family has been grooming this electorate... and suddenly, we can no longer be doing what we do — serve our people. Someone else, just because of being someone disadvantaged by mere birth will take the cake? What incentive will they have to be better when their seats are reserved? Isn’t this evil?”

When informed by SedPerd that they had themselves agitated, fought for and got reservations in the first place, they were shocked. “We did something like that? And none of you did anything to stop us? Then, you are also guilty by omission, let us tell you. How could you allow anything like this to take root as an ideology in our country?”

Some of them, however, sought to justify reservations to all things save Parliament. “Reservations in schools, colleges, government jobs, private sector jobs, police, judiciary, military, sports and all such is one thing… it represents social justice, especially if done by us for the uplift of the downtrodden castes and begets us votes and assured constituencies, but taking the same principle to represent Parliamentarians themselves… this is unacceptable.”

Some opposed the principle of victimhood. “When we get reservations for Dalits, Scheduled Tribes, OBCs, Muslims, Dalit Christians… we are assured of their loyalty and servitude. With women reaching the acme of power, we will lose our hold not just in our constituencies but also within our homes. You think my wife or daughter or daughter-in-law will care to get me a cup of chai anymore.”

“Gender inequality is not the same as caste exploitation. Man has exploited women as a natural right, not the same thing as the upper castes suppressing their fellow men. This must not be the basis for women to become the highest law makers,” they demanded.

However, more MPs are becoming reconciled to the idea that their particular constituency might become reserved for women. “The only saving grace from this evil practice is nepotism and family. I have to work hard to ensure my people remain mine through the services to be rendered by some female relative of mine. Maybe my wife…”

When questioned about the loss versus a revival of a larger merit principle, they conceded that they did not have enough in them to take up such a fight. “We are already a monstrously reserved country. A revival to pure merit and justice is just not possible. The injustice of political might in the name of ‘Special Justice’, be it social or economic, and now gender, is already ruling us. We can’t afford to confront the monster we have created,” they said, pinning their last hopes, across party lines, on the medieval Yadav trio.
“Either they save us from this bill or we will have to do the political equivalent of a gender-changing operation,” they said. “Maybe we will sit at home and read this book you have given us… now, how do you pronounce it… FRANK ENSITEIN?"

Hounded MF Hussain finds free artistic paradise in Islamic Monarchy

2010-03-13T19:40:00.000-08:00

In an exclusive interview with Sedition and Perdition, Maqbool Fida Husain revealed that after being harassed and hounded by religious fundamentalists across the world, in particular his home country India, he has found the perfect paradise for unlimited freedom of artistic expression in the absolute monarchical, family-ruled, Emirate-type government ruled Qatar.
"The State of Qatar, governed by Islamic law codes, run by a discretionary system of law controlled by the Amir and with no role for the International Court of Justice jurisdiction, is the perfect place for me to practice art," said Husain, still seething with rage at Hindu fundamentalists, who attacked his studio after the controversy broke out over his painting a few Hindu goddesses in the nude.
"The Hindu fundamentalists, unlike the Amir of Qatar, have no sense of freedom or liberty or sense of artistic expression," he told SedPerd. "When I spoke to the Amir and various government officials of Islamic Government of Qatar, they emphatically empowered me to paint all Hindu goddesses in the nude. Will Hindu fanatics ever expand their minds and horizons to say this?"
Husain, 95, denied to SedPerd in this fictional interview that he was hypocritical in his selections or a publicity monger, or for that matter, that he thrives on media attention and controversy to increase the financial prospects of his works of art.

"It is utter nonsense that I seek media attention… am I giving you this interview so that I may be featured in a newspaper. No, never. As far as painting Hindu goddesses in the nude is concerned, why, I am equally open to painting Jesus Christ or any of the Christian Saints in the nude… only, as an artist I don’t find them very appealing. For that matter, take Sikh or Jewish figures of religious admiration for that matter… not sexually, appealing enough for a painting that must fetch a few crores of rupees."

MF, also known as the Picasso of India, who has been living in self-exile for a few years now, was also not very pleased with the blasphemy laws of Christian Western nations.
"See the kind of controversy they made of Dan Brown’s book or any of those movies on Christ. God, I wonder how people, especially artists can live in such repressive societies. Have you ever heard of any Muslim fundamentalist condemning an artist for painting Hindu Goddesses in the nude of portraying Jesus in bad light?"

Praising the Amir, government and good people of Qatar, he told SedPerd, "I can now freely paint any Hindu, Christian, Jewish or Sikh god or goddess or prophet in peace and tranquility. Of course too much of it will lead to difficulties in selling them… but then an odd trip…sorry, what was I saying, no, merely thinking aloud. It is amazing what freedom exists here."

The al-Thani family-ruled Emirate came in for praise from the famed painter for its economic development, high per capita income, infrastructure and demonstrable progress.

"Any painter from any part of the world will love to come here and paint. Why only painting, film makers, writers, singers, poets, anyone in fact, facing blasphemy charges from Christian, Jewish or Hindu persecution, or a run from the communist censorship of China or North Korea, will love to rush here."
Asked why he did not select Islamic icons for art, he spoke in a hushed-up voice, "Shut up, you infidel scoundrels. Do you want to get all of us killed or what…. I don’t paint Islamic gods because they are not seen. Of course, the real God is not seen and all gods who are seen are not Gods, hence can be tampered with…"

Asked about Salman Rushdie or Taslima Nasreen or any other artist on the run from Islamic fundamentalists, he screamed, "They indulged in blasphemy and insulted Islam. They deserve to be publicly cut into pieces…let them make one trip here and you shall see. Bloody scoundrels insulting the religious sentiments of Muslims for the sake of so-called artistic freedom and creating media controversies to earn more…."
Just when SedPerd were getting set to ask their last question, he took a call, "Yes, of course, my lord Amir the great, I will do your painting and give it a great look…yes, of course, my great lord, whatever you say…what else is an artist for?"

No matter what you do, or don't - you will have cancer

2010-03-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

In a major investigation done just by adding up the findings of all previous investigation findings on the subject of potential causes of cancer, Sedition and Perdition found out that every single person in this country, and perhaps the world, will anyway have cancer, independent of their actions, diet, exercise, lifestyle, preventive care, discretion or precaution.

"The latest of thousands of investigations and research has found out that eating red tomatoes causes cancer, yet, ironically, it supplements rather than contradicts, or nullifies, the previous finding that not eating red tomatoes can cause cancer," explained an elated SedPerd at their self-congratulatory secondary research finding declaration session to themselves. "Thus, if you don’t eat red tomatoes, you will get cancer, and if you eat red tomatoes, which cure cancer, that will also cause cancer. The logic of these two finding alone is sufficient to conclude that everyone will have cancer and die."

Other reasons to conclude that each one of you reading this article will eventually have cancer is because exposure to sunlight, getting wet in the rain, eating meat, drinking whiskey, smoking actively, smoking passively, getting exposed to dust, stress and strain, tension, anger, excitement, hard work, laziness, exercise, sun bathing, being overweight, being underweight, not eating adequately, eating too much, sleeping poorly, oversleeping, talking on mobile phones, driving in cars, watching TV, working on computers, will among others, all lead to cancer, explained SedPerd.

Becoming paranoid in a reaction to this article and avoiding all the things mentioned — well nigh impossible — will also cause cancer, just as reading or not reading this good column will cause cancer, the report suggests.

However, you can choose between cancer of the brain, blood, throat, bones, skin, eyes, nose, ears, mouth, teeth, lungs, pancreas, heart, or any such other combinations, various research reports on cancer reveal, according to SedPerd.

“Similarly, the combination of all earlier researches, when read together, read that neither passive acceptance of divine fate or aggressive resistance built on will power will make any difference to your finality: you are all dying of cancer,” conclude SedPerd.

“The only way that your inevitable end could be altered is if you are robbed from the cruel hands of cancer by an earlier fatal mishap, ranging from a road accident, murder, suicide, terrorist attack, sudden heart attack, fire in the building, senseless mob riot victim, instant justice at the hands of encounter specialist in the police department, or any such other equally gory end. Worse, you could be a woman, get stalked and killed by a lunatic lover, or a greedy mother-in-law.”

“But all those possible alternate endings don’t change the fact that there is already a cancer in you somewhere, or just outside waiting to get in. It is like we are really living, or trying to live, in a cancerous-universe,” explained some doctors, who were the first to react to the additions on previous finding that SedPerd did.

A triumphant cancer NGO representative, herself dying of cancer of some cause in some part, said, “This is a great finding. We have been relegated to second position with upstarts like AIDS in previous years taking away all the limelight. We are back in contention, we hope to now build on our new campaign to scare the people of the world with its biggest killer, CANCER, and not having to be looked down upon by some swine-flu or some such newcomer. Here we go.”

While cancer spreads, affecting those who like this column and those who don’t equally, governments, hospitals, pharma companies, research agencies, scientists, medical shops, NGOs, doctors, nurses, paramedics, Barack Obama, science journal editors, victims and perpetrators are all counting the possible benefits they can extract, before that inevitable cancer must claim them too, found out SedPerd, before rushing to a hospital for a checkup.

Ban sports to secure nation: P Chidambaram

2010-02-27T22:18:00.000-08:00

Analysing a complex range of issues, armed with data of disruptions, boycotts and attacks for years across the world, the potential for ultras to strike on people wholesale, among others, Home Minister P Chidambaram hinted that India might ban all sports for the next decade or so to restore security in the country, while speaking to Sedition and Perdition.
"Recall the plight of Sri Lankan cricketers who travelled against counsel to Pakistan to play cricket. What happened? Who but cricket is to blame for that?" he asked Sedition and Perdition in this exclusive fictitious briefing on national security issues. "On the other hand, after the incident no international cricket fixtures have been assigned to Pakistan, at least for the next few decades. Is there any violence there on this count?"
"Even prior to that, Israel and Palestine took on each other through the sports arena. It turned the muddy waters muddier. Blood flowed on the grounds and murder of Olympic teams followed. Who but sports is to blame for that?" Chidambaram questioned.

"For several years, whenever we invited Pakistan to play cricket in India, the Shiv Sena would enter the stadiums in Mumbai and dig up the pitches. Police and Sena activists would battle and disrupt life of citizens…. What is the point of blaming anyone except the nefarious cricket match itself, but for which there would have been no confrontation?" PC asked SedPerd with a beaming smile.
"Last year, post-Mumbai attacks, we were under a grave threat of more attacks because of the IPL-2. We just kicked it out of the country, citing elections as a reason. Did we or did we not have a peaceful time, while the South Africans had to take all security hassles?" PC explained with a self-indulgent gleam. "That I am increasingly beginning to realise is the only way to ensure security — stop this sports nonsense."
"Even before this infernal IPL returned for its third edition, we found it threatening peace and tranquility of the nation. First the selection, or non-selection, of those Pakistani players — now, this is the kind of potential for trouble sports carries with it — it could have derailed the entire stand-off between the two nations by conning Indians into cheering for their enemy nation’s players on our very soil. Thankfully, we got over it and here we go again. Separate Telangana movement activists enter the stadium and cause chaos. Now, who but cricket should be taking responsibility?" he demanded SedPerd to answer, in the affirmative, which they did shamelessly.

"Now, Andhra Pradesh has smartly got out of the security hassle by exporting trouble to Orissa but what about me? I am the Home Minister of the country, not of just a few States?" he screamed in anger and helplessness.

"The move I am planning will ban sports for the next 10 years, at the very least. No more test, one-day or IPL madness in India, no more security threats to players or audiences…that will make the job of securing India so much easier. Let them go play cricket where it is best…on TV. Let them shoot it from some customised for cricket TV studios in Canada or New Zealand and let the Lashkar militants get visas for those nations," he said smiling slyly.
When questioned about the logic extending to other aspects of life, Chidambaram confessed that several other facets of life leading to national insecurity were being considered for ban. "Shopping malls, watching movies, going to schools, colleges or offices, flying in airplanes, congregating at religious centres, weddings…they are adding to national insecurity. If we can put an end to all these activities, we will be very secure," he confessed.
When SedPerd asked if the ban on IPL would extend to hockey, he said, "Hockey? What is that? The only reports of violence about hockey I have is players fighting with the sporting bodies seeking salaries. If terrorists want to go to a stadium during a hockey match, let them go, unchecked. They will be the only ones to watch it anyway."

IPL Minister Pawar Can't Remember he is Agriculture Minister

2010-02-20T21:39:00.000-08:00

In a shocking discovery, Sedition and Perdition found through an extensive survey of his recent meetings and discussions that the Union IPL Minister and Supreme Chief of Welfare of T-20 Cricket in the World, Sharad Pawar, hardly remembers that he also holds another post, even if of vastly lesser importance — that of Union Agriculture Minister.

"Oh, yes agriculture," Pawar said vaguely to a senior political journalist at a conference, where he delightfully announced the grand plans he and Lalit Modi had finalised for the inauguration ceremony of the IPL-3. "True, I am also some kind of responsibility for agriculture, but you can hardly expect any boundaries or big hitting, can you?"

"Drought… how will it impact the game?" Pawar demanded of another journalist, before realising the question was not how the T-20 matches between various teams privately owned by franchisees would be impacted, but farming. "Of course, it will be horrible if Sehwag goes through a run drought, or have a lean patch? Drought impacting farmers and crops? Eh, guess they will have to find some water…somehow, anyway, given my big responsibilities with IPL, I don’t think I can pray for rain."

Sources close to Sharad Pawar told SedPerd when quizzed about it that the Union Minister for IPL gets very worked up when charged with ignoring agriculture or the welfare of farmers, pointing instead at the extraordinary work he does for the shorter version of THE GAME.

"When the country compares me with my predecessors and thinks of their contribution, and then places my own achievements, would there be any doubt as to who was the greatest? What is One-Day Internationals, World Cup 50-50 or day-night matches… and what is T-20 and IPL? What production? We are producing more runs per over than ever before… hunger, yes batsmen must have the hunger to score more runs, but, khariff, rabi… are they some new kind of spin Bhajji has developed?"

Speaking about the trouble in Telangana, Pawar spoke passionately about being able to sort it out through dialogue. "Deccan Chargers was the champion team last year and we will be able to persuade the management not to get worked up about the change of venues; we can surely work out a compromise for a win-all situation. What separate state?"

Speaking about the issue of suicides, he continued to rant to all the journalists and supporters who were willing to listen, "I feel the same passion as any other lover of T-20, especially when I am backing Mumbai Indians, but a defeat of your favourite team should not lead you to take such an extreme step…farmer suicides? Over debts because money lenders are pushing them…what are you talking about?"

Analysing other related issues with growing resentment about the particularly low interest or knowledge about the subject, Pawar explained to SedPerd, "Yes, I agree the prices are going up but it is such a wonderful development. If players are charging more, or if the auction is generating more investments, or if the corporate brands want to push their branding budgets higher and TV channels are able to extract a higher premium for their advertisement slots, why should it be a matter of any concern? What prices growing up for common man…they just watch most matches for free on TV…. Rice, wheat, dal, vegetables; say, which auction are you talking about? Inflation in everyday commodities? Why don’t you shoot these questions to the Agriculture Minister of this country?"
Fully angry and convinced that all journalists were mad, Pawar said, "I led BCCI during the times we arm-twisted Zee TV and ICL to create the IPL, the biggest cricket show of the century. The last thing you can expect me to also manage is prices of sugar or peanuts, now is that a fair thing to say. Hopefully, you will, hungry or otherwise, watch the IPL-3. You will forget all worries of farmers, in fact, the whole country soon will do the same...."

Tigers condemn Media for portraying Shiv Sena, LTTE as them

2010-02-13T21:11:00.000-08:00

Sedition and Perdition were the only journalists brave enough to not only attend but also cover the first-of-its-kind press conference addressed by a group of endangered tigers, including the brave little cub Stripey, where the ferocious national animals condemned politicians and parties violating their trademark, portraying them in a wrong light, creating horribly erroneous associations, even as they asked media to not fall prey to such tactics.
"We Tigers are ferocious proud animals. What exactly have we done to be compared with terrorists and ultras, fundamentalist and sick psychopaths?" the angry Tigers asked.

"Have none of you in this country any care for the dignity, sense of identity or respect for us, the very animal you have chosen as your nation's symbol? What kind of a country is this?"

"We have for long kept quiet even as one of the most dangerous terrorist organisations based in Sri Lanka called themselves Tigers. Why did none of you speak against them, for our rights? When did you ever see us going around with bombs strapped on our bodies and blowing up innocent people?" the Tigers asked. "Who allowed the LTTE to use our name?"
Angrily admonishing the media, they growled at SedPerd for being part of the same media which started calling LTTE as Tigers for short. "How can six letters be the short form of four letters? What kind of arithmetic is that?" they demanded.

"We have been showcased as man-eaters by writers and in movies... yet count the numbers we have ever attacked or killed and compare it with numbers of how many of ours you kill? Did we Tigers attack man enough to bring mankind close to extinction? Do you still have a doubt as to who is a bloody, murder-driven, sick, dangerous, war tribe?" they asked with surprise.

"Yet, we are dangerous, if your media is to be believed? Frankly, how can you put up with it any longer?"

Launching a frontal attack on Shiv Sena, the Tigers said, "By what right is Bal Thackeray calling himself a Tiger? We protest this criminal infringement of our intellectual property rights, our right to be presented in a manner befitting our dignity and to be protected against misrepresentation. We have nothing to do with this man or this way of thinking. His calling himself a Tiger is a shame we as Tigers do no deserve."
"When have Tigers behaved like the Shiv Sainiks? We are surely territorial but we don't send hordes of foxes to showcase our strength, we attack up front and directly. Has he ever done so? Do we not follow all the laws of the jungle and live within the norms of nature? Does Thackeray or Shiv Sena follow the Constitution or rule of law? Living within the purview of applicable law is a Tiger trait...
he surely has no claim to our name," they snapped at SedPerd.
"Have you ever heard of a communal riot in a jungle between us animals?" the demanded to know.
When asked to list out their demands, they told SedPerd, "We have little hope or faith in your people, both as a human race and as an Indian nationality. When you are hell bent on destroying your nationhood, Constitution, secularism and pluralism, law and decency, what can we demand and actually expect to get? You have spent billions on our conservation... you may introspect where the money went? We are none the safer than before, only more poached and hunted down, thank you very much."

"In fact, looking at the way you treat your national monuments, national flag, anthem or song, the national game or national bird, why, even the father of the nation, we don't feel any hope or optimism or expect anything fair or right being the national animal," they said.

"You would be more honest making the vulture your national bird and the pig your national animal," the Tigers said angrily to SedPerd. "And stop calling us wild animals... you wild beastly humans."

Mumbai Govt Cancels SRK's visa, work permit

2010-02-06T18:58:00.000-08:00

Sedition and Perdition were the first in India to find that in a landmark decision, the Sovereign, Supreme, Absolute Government of Mumbai has rejected the request of a Bollywood star to extend his visa or work permit in their autonomous province, or allow him to conduct any business interests owing to his lack of the requisite level of knowledge of working Marathi.

"Shah Rukh Khan can no longer live in Mumbai as a citizen hereafter, but must now apply for a tourist visa instead. We have a green channel visa counter for all people of Delhi, from where he hails," the Sovereign Mumbai government lords informed SedPerd.

"Similarly, he has to halt all his commercial activities in our sovereign city nation, whether it is making films, shooting for commercials, giving TV interviews promoting his interests, hiring cricketers, or any such other activities, given his low level of proficiency in Marathi."

"However, he is free to continue to live, eat, sleep, shop, invite friends to his residence, among other things," the Supreme Mumbai council announced in a meet attended by SedPerd.

"He can also continue to conduct his other activities in various other places not under the rule of Mumbai, like Delhi, Kolkata or Karachi. For instance, he can invite friends for dinner, go shopping and have a cup of coffee with his wife, or any other Khan, or Karan... no, not him, that would be promoting business interests.”
"We have also simultaneously rejected SRK’s request to invite on hire people of equally low knowledge in Marathi — we believe they play cricket for Pakistan — to play in this edition of IPL. Afridi does not even know basic Marathi… we can’t allow him to play cricket here," they explained. "However, he too can apply for a tourist visa after 2020, after which we will consider allowing him to come visiting here."

Rejecting allegations that Mumbai was not for everyone, they explained that the city was open to all Indians, as long as they had the necessary visa and work permits, which will be determined by where they are from.

"For instance, for any Indian brother from Bihar or Uttar Pradesh, we need them to have a minimum qualification of PhD in Marathi or Gujarati to be able to work as day labourers. Similarly, south Indian brothers wanting to come to Mumbai must have been residing in Pune, Nashik or Nagpur for the last 30 years to work here. So on and so forth, but these are rules… comply and come."

The Absolute Mumbai government also rejected allegations that they had outsourced the department of immigrations of the City-State to a particular family. "No, it is not true that the Thackeray family has been given the monopoly to handle this department. Our State-sponsored Power-Politics-Parochialism (PPP) initiative is run by various families including the Pawars, Deshmukhs, Shindes, Chauhans and Patels, among others."

SedPerd discussed the matter with SRK, who helplessly condemned the incident, "India is for every Indian… every part of India, including Mumbai, belongs to all…" but the interview was interrupted by the slogan-shouting activists of the Shiv Sena breaking his windows. "Go to Karachi, SRK," they screamed, while agreeing in principle that India was for everyone.

An angry Sainik explained, "India is for everyone, but it needs some licence. For example, roads belong to everyone, but you need to know how to drive. Similarly, Mumbai is for everyone as long as they have the requisite license and know Marathi."

Elaborating on their hit-list, he said, "Ambanis, Bachchans, Khans…. Everyone who says and thinks Mumbai is for everyone will get it… their licence revoked and visa cancelled. Mumbai is only for those who know it is a privilege to be here and can earn it. It’s not a free-for-all right."

In the meantime, several Pakistan-based terrorist groups are trying to acquire a brief tourist visa to attend to some urgent work in Mumbai, but remained unfazed about possible rejection. "If not with a visa, our work shall be attended to without visas. We will make the trip nevertheless."

Taking a phone call, the LeT ultra asked, "Are the bombs ready? Hey, we are going to Mumbai. Meet you there… some local trains are soon to be blackened this afternoon. We can continue the interview there."

Child marriage legalization in Rajasthan right step forward, say elite

2010-01-30T21:29:00.000-08:00

Sedition and Perdition conducted a survey to find reactions of progressive democratic elite on the step of the Rajasthan government to make registration of child marriages compulsory, and found on predictable lines that they were delighted with the move.

Reacting to questions posed by SedPerd, they said, "It is a great visionary move in tune with the need of our people and our times. In a reasonably backward state, with low gender equity, little scope for the girl child to expect education at a primary level, much less higher education or jobs, how do girls make a living except by becoming child brides? The government has understood their concerns and needs wonderfully well, setting a new benchmark for other states to seek to achieve."

"In a state which comes second only to Haryana in numbers of female infanticide, dowry demands and other forms of harassment of women, having someone to look after you, to give her a sense of direction and purpose, to have a master to serve from young days… The government has acted admirably well in line with the avowed goals of a welfare state," said democratic, progressive, socially forward looking and women rights groups.

"Our Congress government in Rajasthan has won a strong majority based on taking the status of women ahead in leaps and bounds in the next five years and this is a great first step," said a Congress MLA in the state government, who did not insist on anonymity, but whose name SedPerd conveniently forgot to note.

Speaking on behalf of all others in the party and state politics, cutting across party lines, the leader said, "Our government has a progressive vision for all the citizens of the State, especially its women folk who comprise a definite less than half of the population owing to their death, right from forced abortions, infanticide, suicides after rape and other forms of harassment, and dowry deaths. This is just the first step to pleasing nearly 45 per cent of the population — our women. We will follow it with a series of other welfare measures for them."

Insiders close to the kitchen cabinet of the state government confess that other moves being actively considered for women’s welfare include first legalising and then making Sati compulsory, making the traditional purdah compulsory in public places, being escorted by men at all times, serving the husband with no-holds barred licence for men to exploit and abuse women, and then maybe a symbolic women reservation bill, making 100 per cent reservation for women in maternity hospitals.

Congress watchers in the national scene have commended Rajasthan for taking such a bold leap forward, beating other equally competitive populist governments, including Maharashtra, which banned non-Marathi speaking people from driving taxis, the Delhi government seeking ways to kick people from UP and Bihar out, from a possible future Telangana state, which might tax non-Telangana people for breathing air.

"With such progressive governments taking strong steps to take their respective regions and provinces ahead with visionary moves, the Rajasthan government still stands apart. If only they would introduce caste-based slavery system and some kind of provincial monarchy, it will make it the greatest state to watch out for."

Promising to ensure that they back their taxi permit move with more progressive legislation, Maharashtra promised to get ahead in this race. "We have just prompted the IPL into informally banning players from Pakistan, we have brought out the anti-UP migrants facet of Delhi come out with its facet, we made attacks on artists and fascists beyond-government censorship political benchmarks. We will make up and move ahead of Rajasthan soon."

Congress and non-Congress governments elsewhere are engaging in intense emergency brainstorming sessions to come out with greater ideas to lead the country on towards achieving the larger national vision of becoming a global superpower.

"How about banning music or laughter like during the Delhi Sultanate rule," someone suggested, in the presence of SedPerd, to eager echoes of approval. Society marches on...

Salinger Died Yesterday.... or Maybe Today

2010-01-28T21:10:00.000-08:00

Best selling American author Jerome David 'JD' Salinger has died in New Hampshire where he lived for more than fifty years after stepping back from spotlight to live in quiet seclusion. He was 91. The author died of natural causes on Wednesday, according to a statement provided by his family to the American media.

"Despite having broken his hip in May, his health had been excellent until a rather sudden decline after the new year," they said. "He was not in any pain before or at the time of his death." Born in New York City in 1919, Salinger joined the US Army in 1942 where he served during the D-day landings at Normandy but suffered a nervous breakdown at the end of the war.

Salinger's first novel, Catcher in the Rye, created a literary storm when it came out in 1951 and has remained a favourite with generations of young people.

The Catcher, originally meant for adults, tells the story of a nonconformist teenager, Holden Caulfied, who is expelled from his school in Pennsylvania and spends three days exploring New York. During his wanderings through the city, the protagonist navigates the timeless misgivings of human nature-identity, superficiality, alienation, corruption. The novel is now considered as one of the best of the 20th century.

The Catcher was also highly censored in the US for its vulgar language, explicit sexual references, Caulfield's encounter with a prostitute and more generally challenging societal codes and mores.

"If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me... But I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth." -- the novel's opening line caught the attention of the world."

Some like Mark David Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon [ Images ], were intensely fixated with the novel. In 2009, Salinger successfully sued to stop the publication of a novel called '60 Years Later: Coming Through the Rye', that described Caulfield as an older man.

His other works included shorter fictional pieces published in the New Yorker magazine, which later compiled into Nine Stories, Franny and Zooey' and Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction.

Salinger did not publish any material after 1965 but his daughter Margaret published a biography in 2001 called Dream Catcher, which painted the man as a petulant bully in the family. The family confirmed that there will be no service for
the author who guarded his privacy so strongly from his fans and the media.

"The family asks that people's respect for him, his work, and his privacy be extended to them, individually and collectively, during this time," they added.

Image: JD Salinger. Photograph: Wikipedia Commons

(From Rediff news: http://news.rediff.com/report/2010/jan/29/author-jd-salinger-passes-away.htm)

Key to eternal smiles, internal happiness: Molest a young girl

2010-01-24T19:40:00.000-08:00

Sedition and Perdition did an extremely audacious exclusive interview with one of the biggest saints in India, former DGP S P S Rathore, who spoke to them about the key to happiness and the actions that can allow any human being to achieve eternal smiles, joy and internal bliss. “Molest young girls, especially those who are still in school,” began a smiling Rathore. “The act always leaves you smiling.”

Inviting SedPerd warmly, the former cop said, “Pick them real young, it is easy. They are frightened to death and go all guilty themselves.” He started laughing, screaming, “see, the very thought makes you go all ha ha ha…”

He continued, despite his joy, about the ways to eternal happiness, “in an unlikely case she tells her friends or parents or teachers, don’t care a damn. Make sure you are well connected, or a very powerful person yourself… actually this comes first, but one way or the other, start unleashing a reign of torture against her, and if need be her family. Get her expelled; the day she goes back home last time from school…it is such a laugh moment. God, no comedy can match this fun…I have cramps even recollecting.”

“The one thing every man owes to his great moment of fun and laugh is to fight for that moment, not give in. Get her brother thrown into a den for all petty crimes, who cares which case, any case, get him into the cell, deny him water or food for days, rough him up, parade him on the roads, even take him to her home…and if you can get that lonely moment with her, go for it again. Such fun….Ha ha ha, I fall on the floor laughing over this one. They usually give up the fight by then.”

Even before the stunned duo of Sedition and Perdition could recover and ask the next question, he had the answer, “If they drag the case further, see if you can spot some friends of hers for some special treatment too. Such fun… yes, it is possible your own daughter is her classmate, but then since you have got her expelled from school for bad character, yes, if need be label her as the one who invites all this with her witchery…amazing how well it works, still, yes, of course, it does.

“Then have her father transferred or house attacked or have your equally influential friends talk to her father to leave town. It works like routine.”

SedPerd uttered a few rare words in interruption, “what possibly can happen next?”

The former top cop laughed, saying, “the girl in most cases will live in shame, fear and guilt all her life, undergoing nightmares, while you laugh and forget it. But in the rare instance she fights on; make no mistake, you will win. She will probably commit suicide. It is at this point the laughter reaches a crescendo…your guilt makes you light as innocent, her innocence makes her feel guilty enough to kill herself. Everything will be then forgotten.”

The intensity of his smile reduces, “the only goddamned fact I never considered in my life plan for happiness is some friend continuing a crusade for two decades and her father being able to resist all departmental pressures and fighting in court despite humiliating defeats. God, there must a limit to how much we can laugh.”

He becomes serious, “it is a plan with few risks, but the media is sick. Why should one stupid school girl molested by a fun loving adult going on to kill herself become a national issue? They do it, these sick TV guys, and our judiciary bends under public pressure. Governments wield too…sick democracy. Can you believe it…despite being a DGP, for merely molesting and abetting suicide, and a few false cases for 20 odd years against a few middle-class families gets me six months. Now the media wants me to stop smiling…”

He breaks down. “I wonder if justice will catch up with me. What then? Will I laugh if they put me at this age of 67 years in jail for several years…. What am I expecting? Nothing, just to laugh all the way…”

He stared, bewildered, while SedPerd broke into a wild laugh, “Guess, it matters, the last laugh,” and left, wondering about the sad, joyful, tearful smiles of the family that might get justice after 20 years.

We provide mass suicide services, of a price, of course...

2010-01-17T01:32:00.000-08:00

Sedition and Perdition, bored with exclusive interviews, tried to do a sting operation on a unique consulting firm that offers innovative services to political parties trying to outscore their opponents in one-upmanship, only to find out the ‘political reputation management consultant’ quite open about his business.

Welcoming SedPerd warmly, he started off on a delighted note, "Politics has changed so much over the past two decades, and so have politicians. We cater to their unique needs… like, for instance, the service you expressed interest in…arranging suicides on a mass-scale for your agitations. It is one of our top revenue grossers, making the life of parties and leaders easy."

Elaborating further, he explained, "Tell me, in today’s TV-driven politics, which party does not need to boast of committed activists who will give up their life for the cause of elevating ambitious and greedy politicians to power? Gone are those days when parties looked up to you to arrange for mere followers at public meetings; maybe there are low-end companies providing such services. But we are top-notch, our efficiency, client list, repeat business, evolved processes, dedicated supply chain and domain expertise makes us the best in providing mass suicides."
Breathing deeply and having just skipped a few of their heartbeats, SedPerd repeated in a low shocked voice, "mass suicides — for political agitations?"

The consultant smiled warmly. "Is your leader dead? Or will he be dying shortly? Has he gone on a fake hunger strike? Will you be pressing for succession? Do you wish your party faction’s leader to be depicted in the media as a messiah? Do you wish to unseat an existing governor or chief minister? Well, having scores of people kill themselves to show your popularity is a sure way of impressing your high command…maybe even the only reliable way."

"Murder? What nonsense? Of course, we won’t kill anyone, why should we? We are traders not killers. We will arrange for people to kill themselves, for your cause… and we will do it for a fee. Simple? Of course, we told you so already."

"We have Suicide Advisors freelancing in most of the district and village headquarters, who impress upon desperate people who about to kill themselves, on the importance of planning their final exit. No point wasting their death with no gains for anyone, isn’t it? They give their consent for suicide; we arrange the time based on demand. Trust me, our supply far exceeds demand."

"Love-torn couples, people suffering from incurable diseases, farmers ridden by debt… they are all out there waiting to die…for you, your party and your leader. Just hire us and we will push the button of mass hysteria. Don’t worry about the legal angle and yes, it is all above board. We are finding people who have already decided on suicide, we don’t make anyone kill themselves. We are those eternal optimists who can see something positive even in such morbidity."

"We also take care of all the paperwork, transfer of monies, claims of commitment, prior media information to best visual footage, yes, we do advise them on the ways to die keeping media needs in mind. No point having a poor farmer dying by consuming poison when the cause if for a separate state. There, maybe setting oneself on fire makes lot more sense... for the dying farmer and his family, I mean."

"Once you confirm the order, we get to work. We decide a date, our death squads plan the exercise based on your geographic, constituency and region needs get in touch with our vast network of suicide advisors. There is a pending list with them, we release an advance payment, decide the mode of death...get the police, ambulance and hospitals to know about it. No point some stupid onlooker’s call spoiling the show. Yes, of course, we all fail once in a while, but you can rely on us to systematically deliver death to godforsaken corners of our country."
"Advance paid, media in place, government’s apathy in place, your leader, cause and movement can jump to glory under the flashlights… hundreds of people all over the country will kill themselves, we have them covered, the families are paid off, insurance claims too, government compensation, and you are off to power. Yes, it comes at a price, all good things including mass deaths come at a price. But think of our quality?"

"Ethics? Humanity? No, no, you are mistaken…we don’t have service offerings in those, maybe you can contact our sister concern. Say which party you said you are from? The New Indian… Whatever… A new party can do with our services. You will let us know…sure thing, don’t ever forget, a million pathetic skunks are out there waiting to die for you."

3 Idiots peep into mirror, find a bilion-people staring back

2010-01-10T21:27:00.000-08:00

In an exclusive interview aimed at furthering the cause of garnering needless publicity with Aamir, Hirani and Vidhu Vinu, Sedition and Perdition found out that the 3 Idiots looked at a mirror after a week of record-breaking collections built on a silly controversy, only to find an entire nation of a billion people staring at them in reflection.

In an interview which never happened, they told SedPerd that they were delighted but also pleasantly surprised that nothing works like being an idiot. "It is like this…if you try to be heroic or great or smart or genius or some such thing, you end up with the whole world hating you. You look into the mirror and finding nothing but black smoke…even your own contours are getting slowly erased, but turn an idiot and the world is a willing friend of yours."

Having successfully defied the clause that you cannot fool all the people all the time, they said, "All it takes to make a nation of a billion plus shell out a collection worth more or less the equivalent of what India spends for children’s education is three donkeys with artificial asses…now, that knowledge was the best new year’s gift we could ask for," they told SedPerd.

Dismissing Chetan Bhagat as only an inconsequential charlatan mongering publicity at a series of press conferences across the country and an unparalleled media blitz, the trio said that they were glad that their invitation to a few idiots to their act of idiocy actually got an entire nation mobilised.

"It was like a whole new generation found a symbol, a new identity and a mission to let out the truth…seek three and you shall find a billion."

Expressing shock that a writer was seeking credit, they said tongue-in-cheek, "But we already gave him cash. If he wants credit, he can apply for a card with some bank. His book begins with a ‘Five’, our movie starts with a ‘Three’. How can they be the same?"

Aamir laughed and confessed, "For my previous movie, I had to build muscles and work out for a year. This one was cool…just pop yourself into a plastic ass. It works. No doubt we could make an ass out of everyone…all in groups of three. Across India, people divided by religion and region, gender and caste, race and money were united in being an idiot."

Confessing to SedPerd that they were delighted to have replaced Gandhiji’s three monkeys icon with a cooler image for a new generation, they said, "It was high time…instead of being negative about your value systems, closing to eyes, ears and mouth from evil, we can now be more proactive and tell the truth…we are all idiots."

Rejecting issues of copyright, controversy mongering, exploiting media through planted dramas, extending reality show-like promotion and offering an ass for everyone, they told SedPerd, "If you know what clicks with people, you got it. Be it business, politics, religion, sport or entertainment…everyone needed an ass, an opportunity to confess and reveal; we gave a dignity-less nation a platform to go gaga."

Speaking about the latest trend and formula for movie success, the three idiots said, "Take a sucker writer, bag the rights of the book, plan a TV-led campaign throughout the shooting, have one Khan throw a hook to the other two Khans, let their mock fights intrigue the country; then throw a few assess at premier multiplexes. Three idiots on a poster will surely not fail to attract all the millions of others out there."
Sending an angry rejoinder which he never wrote, Chetan claimed to SedPerd that his book was stolen, he was misled, that he never sought publicity, that he thanks his fans, that he loves Aamir, that he is sorry he hurt anyone, that he will look forward to another movie being made out of his book, that the book and movie are same, that he deserved a better credit, that he is terribly angry that his original premise of building a success on sheer idiocy has been highjacked, adding, "I guess I was the biggest idiot, trusting Bollywood and all… but then maybe my next book, Seven Scoundrels, might just do great."

New Decade will change Everything, yet Nothing will change

2010-01-04T21:49:00.000-08:00

In an exclusive interview aimed at assessing the changes that will impact our lives and every aspect of it in the coming decade, Sedition and Perdition found out two of the biggest beneficiaries, and victims, of the projected change, Everything and Nothing, to find that the decade promises fascinating ties. possibilities.

In an interview, which actually happened, they both told SedPerd that they are anticipating change. "We are both going to change -- yes, we confirm it, Everything and Nothing will change in 2010-20, the most potential-filled decade in ages," they said.

"Everything will change," said Everything, "ranging from our economy to politics, boundaries and names of states and capitals, to relationships between nations, from width of roads to speed of broadband, from fuels in our cars to the prices of our flights, from physical security to social security, from entertainment to sports...yes, Everything will change in this decade."

"Nothing will change, too," said Nothing, "even while Everything will seemingly change, yes, absolutely Nothing will change in this decade. From justice to oppression, from poverty to the zilch chance millions of kids born in neglected villages and forests beyond civilization, from rapes and murder to hit-and-run cases on roads to police extortion, from corruption and sleaze amongst politicians to depressing morality amongst leaders, from gossip-led media to soulless spiritualism, Nothing will change in this decade."

"Our economies will change, our approach to money will not; our standards of living will change, but our values in life will not," said Everything and Nothing together, in this exclusive to SedPerd. "People will change in most superficial matters, deep within, they will remain unchanged, pretty miserable at that."

"We will have broader roads, taller buildings, better hospitals, every aspect of our infrastructure will get better...yet nothing will change about the people living in them. We will still be cavemen, strife torn by communal, casteist, regional, linguistic, and a million other such narrow divides. We will be richer, with greater per capita, that much will change, yet without feeling enriched, impoverished as ever deep inside," the two biggest faces of change in the coming decade revealed to SedPerd.

"Our kids will change too; they will go to better schools," said Everything, when Nothing added. "But they will continue to see kids working on their way back, in bonded labour, saved by neither the divine nor the legislative, condemned forever."

"Our people will continue to have a single heart beat, when we play cricket or T20, open enough to accept Australians and South Africans into our city teams," said Everything, when Nothing reminded, "yet, we will want to throw out our fellow citizens who migrate to find work and make a living."

"Bollywood will become stronger, more popular and more globally watched, yet, originality will continue to elude," the duo said in one voice.

"We will sob over family serials, wage war with ourselves over family values, and continue to burn brides and extort dowry. Yes, in the coming decade too, like in the one gone by, Everything and Nothing will change."

"Our biggest leaders and stars, be it in cricket or movies, politics or business, spiritual or social, will all continue to win our faith and affection, only to lose it sooner than later. Indian society will not lead its economy, the economy will lead society; courts will continue to bury justice, power will continue to dethrone fairness, nepotism will be the biggest visa to success, and like ever, the more we change, the more we will remain the same," they told SedPerd.

"Media will fight for justice, yet, get ruffled by censorship and paid editorials, TRPs will lead as much as any ideal. Liquor, muscle and money will overpower manifestos in winning elections in the coming decade, like before, but we will sure see a changed image of the politico, young, savvy, dynamic and twitter-compliant," they said, looking beyond today or tomorrow, into the next ten years, its overall change package, and added, "we will all become older, yet, most won't grow up, repeating our mistakes. Gray hair in plenty, but gray cells scant, make no mistake, all big talk of a decade will just fade. This decade will be like none before, and yet, so much like them all."

And needless to remind, the column will continue to fire its angst at one and all, bearing its fangs and teeth, yet, seldom biting, for it too will change, only to remain the same.

Year 2009 gives itself high marks, laughs at 2010's optimism

2009-12-28T09:51:00.000-08:00

Addressing its last press conference in its dying moments, the Year 2009 gave itself high scores, ranging between satisfactory to extremely good performance (given the circumstances) to near adulatory self-assessments, justifying its failures as the best possible given the challenges, and scoffed at the unborn optimism of the Year 2010 as “silly impractical” with a characteristic old-age cynicism, Sedition and Perdition found and report live and exclusively.

In an interview which never happened, Year 2009 specifically told SedPerd that he should not be seen as a failure because he had tried, real hard, to please everybody, do good for everyone, and despite the enormous challenges, make a real difference to the world.
"Talk economy, think of the dumps in which the world was packed into by 2008 and handed over to me…in simple words, 2008 gave the world to me in deep shit. I achieved a turnaround, a bailout, okay… criticize me for being lenient to bankers and Wall Street guys but the fact is, if you have to ask who avoided a repeat of 1929, it was me… 2009. Don’t just forget that when judging me."

"From environment to combating terrorism, from restoring democracy, conducting elections in very difficult terrain to great respect for human rights…environmental betterment and bringing the world together, somewhat, on the issue of global warming…I did them all…don’t just forget it,” 2009 screamed glimpsing the sarcastic smile on SedPerd’s face.

"Which was the year a Black Man took oath as the American President…talk of making history. And I will go on to say, I was the best year of this decade… if you disagree, go to hell."

Laughing at the optimism the Year 2010 had promised a few moments earlier, the dying year declared, "Ha, I know how it feels… with a few days still to be born. The world is at your feet, you can achieve everything… I too felt that way exactly a year ago…what a year…all about me."

Scoffing at the promise the New Year is holding, including the billions of resolutions to be taken by millions of people, Year 2009 said, "Ha, I know all about it. Sounds so self-righteous and driven by will power, ability to change destiny…yet, it all somehow fades into oblivion, into dust. Years have come before me too… as I realize now, only to die. I am sorry for all deaths this year, be it Michael Jackson or the close friend or relative of yours, be it in floods, earthquake or an air-crash, sorry, but it just had to be."

Asking people to consider judging it kindly, Year 2009 told SedPerd, "I hope your readers at least consider me to be better than 2008, the silly year when the world economy collapsed and terrorism reared its dirty head. Now, talk of being a pathetic failure…there is one hell of an example."

Wishing 2010 all the very best, 2009 said the yet to start year should be guarded against excessive optimism. "Go out there and perform to the best of your might…but do consider you might just get humbled by some unknown factor larger than your efforts."

Asked what it considered its best and worst moments, it said, "Difficult to say, the best… maybe Tiger Woods, or maybe Obama, or maybe Avatar, or well, just maybe, and let me see… the worst… maybe Tiger Woods, or maybe Obama, or well, just about maybe Avatar. Who can ever say these cheesy things with any surety?"

Asked its dying wish, Year 2009 said, "Guess the best would be just not to die out… to be replaced by 2010, but that can’t be. Well, maybe in your enthusiasm to celebrate its birth, if you can be a little more solemn about my death, instead of marking it with drunken revelry, but of course you will drink… at least don’t join me by driving, I guess…or is it asking too much?"

So saying, Year 2009 disappeared, right before SedPerd’s eyes, in a fleeting moment, or so the year felt, marked with little save 52 silly breaks, writing this, the most stupid column in India.

Happy New Year.

KCR surprised to find Gandhian method of fasting works

2009-12-19T23:54:00.000-08:00

Having exhausted all options in his quest for taking the struggle for a separate Telangana forward, K Chandrasekhara Rao reluctantly took to the Gandhian method of rebellion by inflicting pain on oneself, cleansing one’s own body en route to cleaning the self, having no hatred for anyone, especially the enemy, and peacefully refusing to eat or drink, but by the 11th day, was pleasantly surprised, even shocked, to discover such methods of the Mahatma work, Sedition and Perdition found out.

In an interview which never happened, he told SedPerd that having lost electorally, lost his key leaders and with them his grip over the party, having become a laughing stock in the political scenario, he was downright cynical when the idea first struck.

"I was like thinking…the Congress, either in the State or at the Centre, surely don’t care if I live or die. How can it make a difference? Now see the results…surprised, yes, of course, I am…this man Gandhi is greater than I ever thought," he confessed to SedPerd.

"Call it the irony that when nothing works, despite being a central minister with all the power and pelf, or having resigned and pressed for by-elections repeatedly, violent protests, raising the atmosphere of suspicion and hatred against settlers, when all such practical measures don’t work, I guess I was cynical about this Gandhian method. We discussed the option without confidence, and gave it try. Maybe that is what the phrase, ‘Experiments with Truth’, is all about," KCR revealed in the fictional interview to SedPerd.

"The doubts I had ranged from my own inability to continue on the fast after a while, hunger defeating determination, temptations taking over, or thoughts that the Congress would joyfully watch me fast to death," confessed KCR. "My faith in Gandhiji was at the lowest then, if at all I ever had any. Surprise, surprise, it works."

KCR was saddened by the violence by protesting students in Osmania University, he told SedPerd, as hurt as by the excesses of the police. "Poor fellows, if they learn the power of the Mahatma, go on a self purification drive, both students and the cops would have become more effective."

Meanwhile, envious of the success of the Gandhian methods by the proponents of Telangana, leaders opposed to separation have started going on hunger strikes. "It is another irony if it took Congress leaders a demonstration by KCR to discover Gandhiji," said a Gandhian to SedPerd, "but any path to self-discovery is welcome."

"KCR has made Gandhiji, at least his means, very fashionable, all of a sudden. We hope these leaders will be benefited by the realization that is sure to dawn on them," the Gandhian continued. "If only they can also sacrifice and let go of other temptations, be it lying, cheating, violence, hatred or greed to loot and take up real service."

"Meanwhile, akin to Gandhi’s protests to create independence for India, statehood demands have sprung from all corners of the country. They have created a platform where the efficacy of his methods for modern times will be tested further," the Gandhian confessed. "Bapu's values will stand all tests of time, all tests of truth."

However, this has not convinced everyone. From conniving manipulators jumping on the bandwagon for political mileage, to those trying to create an atmosphere of hatred and divide, to those desperately clinging on to power, everyone is out trying to prove that eventually no man propped by truth and simplicity, non-violence and Satyagraha alone succeeds.

"We are prepared to foil each of these dangerous attempts to re-establish that Gandhian methods work. It would be disastrous for our power structure, any power system... we will foil them all," a senior leader explained. "Gandhi was too dangerous for the British, more importantly, his ways are dangerous to any ruling clique... no point having his clones in an Independent India."

Congressmen sign petition asking High Command to decide everything

2009-12-13T05:22:00.000-08:00

After reflecting on various meetings held by Congress leaders at levels, ranging from the Congress Working Committee, Parliamentarians Boards, AICC, various State Congress Legislative Party, to discuss on a wide variety of issues, ranging from electing leaders, forming new States, shifting ministers, expansion of cabinets, key decisions on all Central and State subjects, electoral alliances, stand of the party on all issues, among others for the last 10 years, Congress party has decided to pass a single-point resolution to pass all decisions to the High Command for the next 50 years, Sedition and Perdition found out.

"Congress leaders at the State and Centre, elected representatives of all bodies, senior leaders, all Congress bodies, Parliamentarians and Legislators, oblivious to their legally and constitutionally held positions, cannot and shall not pretend to decide anything. Henceforth, with this resolution, they shall only be executing the will of the High Command. Madam Sonia Gandhi shall henceforth convey all decisions to all Congress people, who shall henceforth not waste time conducting meetings, reviews, and such other activities that require any thinking or decision-making," the resolution said, as found out by the fictional investigations of SedPerd.

"Congress leaders are wasting time and effort by calling for meetings, be it Union Cabinet Ministers, Chief Ministers, Congress appointed Governors, Parliamentarians or MLAs, or leaders down the line. There is a need to ensure that all such wastages are eliminated and decisions shall henceforth be taken only by the High Command," the resolution further clarified.

"To implement this mother of all resolutions further, various Congress leaders have sent signed blank papers to the New Delhi, wherein their decisions shall be incorporated above their signatures at appropriate times, and if need be, the relevant signatory shall be informed," a High Command circle member informed SedPerd.

"Madam Gandhi's staff will include her decisions above the signatures on these blank papers drawing power from this grand resolution begging her to take all decisions. So far, all CMs, Ministers, MPs and MLAs across the country have sent in 5,000 signed blank papers each, which will be enough for the next 10 to 20 years."

"Democracy is rule by the people, of the people and for the people, and the Congress duly respects that the only true reflection of the might and will of We, The People, exists in the personality of Madam Gandhi and the High Command," the High Command's representative declared.

"Congress leaders have also debated passing a law in Parliament, by which they could ask all other Constitutional bodies, courts, RBI, Election Commission, Armed Forces, and the media to pass on all decisions to the High Command but decided against the timing," he explained to SedPerd in an interview that simply never happened. "The time is not right for such a move, but with the Congress leaders setting this trend, it may not be ruled out as a possibility within sometime."

The Congress leaders also ruled out urging the people of India, the aam aadmi, to pass on the right to vote in all elections to the High Command. "It would be a glorious day when the common man and woman, boy and girl, shall all legally sign a bond passing on their power of decision to vote to Madam Sonia Gandhi and the Congress High Command...
she will then merely have to put the names of winners in all the elections over the pre-signed document of the Chief Election Commission... but we will have to wait a little longer for such a glorious day."

Smiling after receiving the power of attorney from all Congress leaders from across the country, Madam Sonia Gandhi merely said, "this was just a formality... of putting certain practices that are already in place on paper and acknowledging reality."

When SP and BSP leaders wanted to conduct a similar meeting to pass on their rights to decide on all matters to Mulayam Singh and Mayawati respectively, they were told that such was already the case. High commands of various regional parties like AIADMK, DMK, Telugu Desam, Haryana Vikas Party, Lok Dal, among others, welcomed the Congress into their league. "They are late in arriving on this level of clarity of decision making but we nevertheless envy the Congress High Command for having achieved this and welcome them."

When BJP High Command tried to conduct a similar meeting, and seek blank papers, they only received their first reaction from Arun Shourie, who called the high command a pack of liars, jokers and charlatans... and as such the exercise ended, SedPerd added.

Rusi Brij is no more

2009-12-06T21:58:00.000-08:00

Heard the shocking news today that several months ago, in fact back in May, Rusi Brij expired. Rusi was the man who helped build Satyam as part of the core team. He was the numero uno employee when I joined the growing IT enterprise back in the late 90s.

Rusi, along with top key management people like ASM, Zain Hussain, Hari T, Dr Varanasi, Kiran Cavale, Kalyan, Anil Kekre, among others, were the people who really helped the Rajus build Satyam into a global power house. We started our Connect ezine in Satyam Intranet with an Interview with Rusi; I recall his style in the interview, his golfing style... and even the ease with which he sorted out issues in cross-functional meetings, like early days of Satyamotsav.

His exit from Satyam was sad, we made a press release without being able to believe it. This exit, from the world, oh, why are they all falling like nine-pins is a question I can't help asking myself.... like Yossarrian in Catch-22.

But here is a silent tear for dear Rusi... and links to some final details...

DQ Entertainment PLC: May 21, 2009
Death of Non Executive Director, Rusi Brij
The Board of DQE announces with much regret that its Non Executive Director, Rusi Brij, unexpectedly passed away last night, 20 May 2009. Rusi was 54.

Rusi's untimely demise is a tragic loss for his family, friends, and colleagues at DQE. The Board of DQE extends their deepest condolences to Rusi's family and friends.

Avinash's blog here is a more personal tribute.

May his soul rest in peace. Amen!

CEOs' Wives Hate Blackberry More Than Hubby's Secretary

2009-12-05T20:07:00.000-08:00

In a development that challenges the traditional cliché of wives being jealous, and even vehemently hating their husbands’ secretaries, and threatens to change society, the workplace and even our movies, wives of CEOs are increasingly finding their dislike of the Blackberry to be far stronger than anything else, Sedition and Perdition has discovered.

SedPerd, accessing the minutes of CEOs’ Wives Clubs across India, clandestinely, in fact actually stealing them, found that over 76 per cent of wives now wish to break the Blackberry rather than the neck of ‘his secretary’. More than 80 per cent described their perfect holiday as anytime, anyplace without that disgusting sound-making device.

“Just look at him… staring eye-to-eye with the screen of that infernal gal of a thing… I can’t even recall when he last looked at me so intently… must have been before they invented the laptops, digital organisers, palmtops or the mobile,” let out an angry wife of a CEO to a duo of sympathetic onlookers making notes furiously.

A fellow CEO-wife complained, “He rarely talks to me anymore…but look at the way he smiles and his eyes light up whenever he starts speaking to her…or whatever, I guess, into her speakers. I even caught him admiringly showcasing his new model and its curves to his colleagues…now, when was it that he last did it with me…maybe before they invented the colour TV.”

“One of his biggest complaints with me was I always talk a lot, now you should see this evil bitch going all lit up and making plong, plong noises all night. Yet he loves her…. Guess she has him entwined and bewitched,” she said.

Almost three out of five CEO wives wanted to break the Blackberry, while one out of five wanted to just flush it “one of these days”, while over half of the remaining wanted to “get as lucky as the Blackberry in getting his truest attention”, statistics made up completely by Sedition and Perdition reveal.

Civil lawyers have already started looking up to the Blackberry for enhanced business in divorce filings, citing the ‘wonderful new source of marital friction’ as more responsible for separations than extra-marital affairs. “We could never have guessed the power of technology and devices, as when we realised the Blackberry is the newest avtar of the Biblical serpent,” a body of leading divorce lawyers said in a statement.

“As a man you love certain things…like a flat stomach, a listening ear, dark looks, intelligence, intuitiveness, sleek curves…a Blackberry has them all, and the shape does not deteriorate with time…reason number one why I love the Blackberry more than my wife, or even secretary,” confessed a CEO.

“Besides, this beauty helps me keep up with work rather than crib about it. It puts me in control of work and life,” said another CEO, whose wife is considering a divorce, whose daughter is in love with a guy he will not approve of, his son is into drugs, and all this without him being aware. “Blackberry gives me minute by minute updates of what is happening in my empire and across the world.”

Secretaries too acknowledge the reduced attention from their bosses since the advent of the nefariously ubiquitous Blackberry. “He would pat me on the hind fondly, admiring my dresses or appreciating lipstick colours, but he rarely even glances at me now. He is too hooked to the Blackberry.”

Ironically, husbands whose wives are CEOs are barely upset about their wives using the device. “Just a formality, kind of show…she still can’t process files and upload them using wi-fi without enabling the push email…or change the setting to sort out office and personal mail IDs into different folders.”

Thankfully the youth of the country are yet not hooked to it. Said a young woman who got hooked to her latest boyfriend because of the way he flaunted his latest iPhone, “It was all just to get my attention…the moment I sit next to him in the car, he just throws the iPhone carelessly into the back seat. It was all just to win my love.”

Blackberry authorities told SedPerd that they will release their even more male-enticing versions soon, ensuring CEO-wives will have a separate messenger to hook up real-time with their high profile husbands.

PM requests Bellary Mines Mafia to Help Settle Border Disputes with Pakistan, China

2009-11-29T00:34:00.000-08:00

In a smart, out-of-the-box solution, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, in consultation with senior Cabinet colleagues and Ministers of Home, External Affairs and Defence, has decided to depute the Bellary Mining Mafia warlords to settle the border issues with Pakistan and China, Sedition and Perdition found out.

SedPerd, accessing non-existing files classified Nonsense-but-Classified, have found that after decades of exhausting all other options, it was decided to resort to the "ultimate and best possible" option to quickly settle the border issues with both the neighboring countries at blitzkrieg pace.

"We have finally realized and acknowledge that the border disputes with China and Pakistan might not be solved in more conventional ways, including international pressure, UN mediation, bilateral talks or diplomatic channels.
Hence, we have decided to trust the matters to the most efficient men we have in the country in this domain -- the land settlement and mining mafia," senior leaders told Sedition and Perdition in a clandestine interview that never happened.

"These men, brave and dare-devil, brazen and care-a-damn, alone can save the borders of our country, where noble soldiers, brave generals, wise diplomats and visionary statesman have failed," they said.

Thanking the prime minister and senior national leaders for their trust, the mafia responded to the call with their typical cocky confidence, "...will be done. Give us a few days," an iron-ore mining warlord responded. "Just have to move the borders a few kilometres, right? Big deal!"

Speaking to SedPerd later, the mafia said, "We are delighted to be offered yet another open land grab offer from politicians. As always when we move into an operation, we are assured our country will be greatly benefited... which is such a nice feeling, of giving back to society and all that. We are surprised we were overlooked for so long...that an entire country with all its infinite resources could not get back some land; guess when these educated kind of people manage things, you are bound to screw up."

The patriotic mafia also agreed, on their own, to forfeit their commission.
"We never settle land disputes without a commission, in fact a king's ransom that is...but we are also nationalists. When a prime minister asks for a land settlement, we can't think commission. Besides, looking at that Manmohan Singh, we could make out he has no money anyway."

When quizzed about the strategy and tactics they planned to adopt, they laughed. "We have proven domain expertise and a long string of achievements. Only , we are not sure what minerals are available on the other side of the border with China, beyond Arunachal Pradesh, or after surging past Kashmir up the hills...I mean we are fine serving the nation and all that, but if we could get a hand on some minerals as well... we could create jobs and serve society even better, if you understand."

"There is a way, an evolved process in these matters," they elaborated on the subject. "We go and walk all around the area and give intimidating looks, then settle down with a tiny shack and then start shifting borders. Since we have been assured the other buggers have no political connections, we will get down to business straight away. Then we move the borders, day in and night out."

When questioned about how deep they will venture into the PoK or China, they said, "We have been told by our leaders to only get our rightful land back. We, however, interpret these matters liberally... I guess once we move borders, we really move them; and they stay moved."

When asked if they were not afraid of the Chinese army or the Pakistani terrorists, they laughed. "Have you ever been to any of our mines? Why don't you meet some of our rivals...guess you can't, they are all dead. Trust me, those buggers will be running to Red Cross or Amnesty International or whatever exists in those places."

Before answering the next question, they had a question of their own, "say, which TV channel are you from?"; to which SedPerd hastily answered, "We are film script writers from Ramgopal Varma", and ran for dear life.

Mallya retires models, next year’s KF calendar on Gandh's items

2009-11-21T18:55:00.000-08:00

Shocking people from all sections of society across India, Dr Vijay Mallya, chairman, Kingfisher, revealed at an exclusive meeting with Sedition and Perdition that he was thoroughly bored with his calendar, depicting nothing but hour-glass perfect models and the hottest girls in the skimpiest bikinis, and that next year onwards, their calendar would be taken to a new level, promising better times.
"Enough of semi-nude girls, rolling over sand on some of the most other exotic sea shores and ultra-luxury locations. Our brand has had enough of yachts and aircraft, bikinis and babes… next year, Kingfisher calendar will be about historic icons, featuring Tipu Sultan’s sword and Gandhiji’s glasses," Dr Mallya, owner of Force India F1 team and IPL team Bangalore Royal Challengers said. "We have had enough of good times, now we must seek beyond and give our stakeholders better times, best times.""My larger plans for Kingfisher’s transition go beyond changing the calendar," Dr Mallya revealed to SedPerd in an imaginary interview. "Gone will be such silly things as advertisements and promotions for liquor using girls or marketing an awesome airlines experience with food and drinks. We will promote all this through Indian cultural heritage and a larger spiritual calling."
"The 2011 Kingfisher calendar will have some of the greatest Indian objects of historic importance, many of which I bought in auctions," Dr Mallya said. "The year next, we will move from exotic private beaches and dream honeymoon locales to the greatest pilgrimages of India."

Backing his plans instantly, the Kingfisher talent hunt team will now scout for spiritual leaders for their table calendar experience, shoot at Varanasi ghats, Golden Temple, Ajmer dargah and ancient churches in Kerala for their new print campaign.

"Kingfisher Airlines will now offer pure vegetarian food in all classes as the mandatory option… abandon use of leather and such cruel products and move to rustic look interiors. The air hostess will now be wearing khadi and cotton sarees and our guests will see nothing save their fingers, an intricate bindi on the forehead and their ears perhaps," sources revealed. "Even their names will be changed from Priya or Mrig to their Sanskrit full form – Priyadarshani or Mriganayani."
"All Kingfisher liquor products might be abandoned," said experts and watchers of the UB Group. "They may replace them with Royal Challengers’ Packaged Coconut Water, Whyte & Mackay’s Shudh Nimbu Paani and Kingfisher beer will become KF Ganga Jal."

Experts further opined that given Dr Mallya’s genius for integrating brands and experience with singular focus, the calendar shift will mean a larger paradigm move.

"We are sure we can predict that his horse stud will go, horse racing interest disappear, his yacht and car collections will go, he may even move to going around in horse chariots adorning the Gandhi watch and Tipu’s sword around Bangalore."
Confirmations from his office suggest that he has also personally lost interest in ostentatious life and will move to an abstemious life, adorning khadi dress, meditating and yoga. "Boiled vegetables… let us get the best chefs in the world to make boiled vegetables, herbal tea and yes, jute mats for his meditation," his staff was heard by SedPerd yelling and scampering.

Models, photographers, fashion designers, party planners, holiday makers and luxury goods sellers were all furious. "How can he abandon us like this?" they protested.
Kingfisher calmly advised them to take a life of simplicity, enjoying nature, prayer and love for fellow being. "Dear children, innocent but misled, what lies in flesh but pain… seek beyond the spirits we sold you all this while… seek and find the spiritual. Hide that skin, go play with the lambs outside my cottage and don’t forget to recycle, banish plastic and chew on the raw corn hard."
The IPL team will soon be given away along with the F1 team, to be replaced by a rural education programme aimed at uplifting the Indian villages and poor.

"Dr Mallya no more has need for glamour or fame, he has reached the highest level of the Maslow’s pyramid," said a psychologist to SedPerd.
"Ullla-lla-ee-ooo will now be replaced by silence, and an odd deep chanting of Om," added Dr Mallya. "Let the Emperor’s best times begin."

Jai ho to replace Vande Mataram, Jana Gana Mana

2009-11-14T12:37:00.000-08:00

In a compromise formula arrived at between fundamentalist Muslims who abhor and seek a ban on mandatory singing of the National Song, Vande Mataram, and hard-core Hindu fanatics who condemn the National Anthem for singing paeans to a foreign sovereign, Jai Ho has been selected as the song to replace both, Sedition and Perdition found out in their exclusive investigation.
Speaking to SedPerd on behalf of Jamiat-Ulama-i-Hind (JUH), an organisation with the largest congregation of Islamic scholars, Mohamed Azad Hussain Qasmi, Imam-o-Khateeb, Jamia Masjid, said, “Muslims can only bow only to Allah — Khudha ke saath kisiko sharik nahin kar sakate — Allah is ultimate. While we are equally patriotic and accept contents of Vande Mataram, which praise the beauty of India, we can’t accept bowing to motherland. We can sing Jana Gana Mana or Saare Jahan Se Accha, but not the national song as it is opposed to Islamic tenets.”
An equally ardent passionate zealot, but of the saffron hue, told SedPerd, “India‘s national anthem, Jana Gana Mana Adhinayaka was written by Rabindranath Tagore in honour of King George V and Queen of England. In original Bengali verses only provinces under British rule like Punjab, Sindh, Gujarat and Maratha were mentioned but erstwhile princely states like Kashmir, Rajasthan, Andhra, Mysore or Kerala are not. The song implies that King George V is lord of Indian masses and the Bharata Bhagya Vidhata, master of destiny of Indians. We condemn it and demand its immediate replacement by Vande Mataram.”
This confrontation between fanatic Muslims refusing to sing the National Song and passing a fatwa against its mandatory rendition in schools or elsewhere, and Hindu fundamentalists seeking a ban and replacement of the National Anthem would have triggered into a major confrontation between Muslims and Hindus, but for the extraordinary route chosen out of it through a compromise formula.
“The only way out is choosing to sing Jai Ho by A R Rehman as both the national song and anthem. This will neither offend the Muslims nor the Hindus, nor the Americans. It will make India become the first country to have an Oscar-winning National Anthem and Song,” delighted, compromised zealot groups of Muslims and Hindus told SedPerd.
Clerics from Deoband Islamic seminary, who had earlier said they won’t stop Muslims from singing Vande Mataram if they voluntarily choose it, and Hindu spiritual leader Sri Sri Ravi Shankar of Art of Living, together chanted Jai Ho to showcase Hindu-Muslim unity, India’s secular fabric and the popularity of Jai Ho.
Congress party leaders, who brought rights of Jai Ho during the Lok Sabha elections earlier this year, saved from possible embarrassment owing to confrontations, said, “As a visionary party, we could see trouble coming over Vande Mataram and Jana Gana Mana. We had Jai Ho as an alternative from then onwards…as ever, our party remains of, for and by the concerns of the aam aadmi.”
A historian told SedPerd, “Bengali poet Bankimchandra Chattopadhyay composed Vande Mataram to motivate Indians to join the freedom struggle against British rule in 1876. Tagore wrote the song that went on to be adopted as the anthem to welcome the British sovereigns. Since they are both songs of thanksgiving and hailing, motivating and bringing together Indians… nothing save the theme tune of Slumdog Millionaire can achieve the purpose in today’s world."
“Imagine little kids, Hindus and Muslims alike, bursting out dancing like Frieda Pinto and Dev Patel to the tune of Jai Ho,” he added.
Rumours have it that the idea was first proposed when RSS ex-chief K S Sudarshan and a host of Muslim clerics, led by Maulana Hameed-Ul-Hasan, shared a common stage at a seminar in Lucknow recently, Sedition and Perdition found out. The first-ever shared platform meeting by a former RSS chief with Muslim clerics led to the revolutionary compromise of pandering to both sects of zealots.
“Muslims fundamentalists want Vande Mataram out, while Hindu fanatics wants Jana Gana Mana to go. So we came together and decided, throw them both out.”
However, Jai Ho was not the only compromise thought about, with other inspiring Bollywood songs from like Manoj Kumar’s movies like Meri desh ki dharti (Upkaar) and Hai preet jahan ki reet (Purab Aur Pashcim), and other numbers like This happens only in India were also considered, SedPerd found out.

Aunt Pody Retires: Heacock Literary Agency, Inc. Closes

2009-11-13T10:44:00.000-08:00

It is a beautiful feeling to retire from a profession, which is successful, and also a labour of love. Aunt Poddy is one such delightful person I have known... here is her last formal note to a breed of nice people she has lived, worked and fought for most of her life... Authors.

****
Aunt Pody's Last Note To Authors
As President and co-founder of The Heacock Literary Agency, Inc. (1978-present), as of November 3, 2009, having, with the late James B. Heacock, over the years sold over 1100 manuscripts to major publishers, it is now time to retire from active author representation.

Heacock Literary Agency, Inc. is no longer inviting query letters or accepting new clients. But there is good news:I am happy to announce that as I enter into retirement, Catt LeBaigue has acted on my encouragement to establish Heacock Hill Literary Agency LLC at www.HeacockHill.com honoring Jim Heacock's name in the new agency. Both Catt LeBaigue and Tom Dark will be making submissions from Heacock Hill immediately.

Catt LeBaigue has been on the board of directors of the Heacock Literary Agency, Inc. since 2005 and she was an active literary agent with HLA for the past five years. Tom Dark has been a literary agent with HLA for two years. Both Catt and Tom have impressed me with their commitment to the well-being of authors who have contacted each of them in the past, many of whom they now represent and will go on representing at Heacock Hill.

Catt and Tom continue to invite author e-mail queries to their new web site: www.HeacockHill.com. Each inquiry is read and evaluated with great care. I encourage you to contact them.

It has been an honor and a privilege to have worked in the vineyards of book publishing for these 31 years. I send all good wishes to each author who presently, or in the past, has been in touch with the Heacock Literary Agency, Inc. All good wishes for success with your every endeavor.

Sincerely,
Rosalie Grace Heacock Thompson, AAR
Heacock Literary Agency, Inc.
Founded in Venice, California,
September 1, 1978
by James B. Heacock, 11/3/1924-11/10/1994,
and Rosalie Grace Heacock Thompson.

Heacock's logo captured the spirit of writing, a quest for unknown skies and the pleasure of escape, the courage to go beyond the clouds and endless looking up...

Young spunk, more open, more books

2009-11-08T08:17:00.000-08:00

An Article in The New Indian Express -- Sunday Magazine
By J Jagannath

The shortlist is out for the ‘lesser Booker’, known as the Man Asian Literary Prize and three of the names, Omair Ahmad, Siddharth Chowdhury and Nitasha Kaul are Indian. That is one better than last year. So far, no Indian has won the award, though it’s early days yet as the Man Asian was initiated only in 2007.

It does show, however, that it’s not just Kiran Desai and Arvind Adiga who have made the world sit up and notice Indian writing; there have been other seismic events that shifted the tectonic plates. Earlier, the shelf life of the modern Indian writer was somewhere between the milk and the yogurt, and why not considering the fact that most writing came either from journalists or ex-journalists. But that is no longer the case.The proof can be found in the longlist for the Man Asian. Half the people who made it are Indian. More interestingly, for some of them writing is not a full-time job.

Omair Ahmad, whose Jimmy The Terrorist is on the shortlist, says, however, that writing is still a top shot job. “You need money and time to do research and visit the places. To write my book on Bhutan I had to pitch story ideas to Penguin India and I was lucky enough considering they commissioned six books, including the one on Bhutan.” But he says the publishing scene has improved. The era of ‘vanity publishing’ is over.

“Three to four years ago, if a book sold 3000 copies in India, that was deemed a bestseller. Nowadays, 10,000 is the magic number. A lot can be done to popularise books, though. In London, even the underground railway stations have the posters of upcoming small books, something which is unthinkable here.”

K Srilata, who was on the longlist for her debut novel Table for Four, is an example of the change that is taking place. Her resume boasts quite a few published works apart from a first prize at the All India Poetry competition in 1998. But writing is not her bread and butter. She teaches creative writing and literature at IIT Madras.

Asked if writing is just an extension of her job she answers: “No, writing is very much a departure from my work as a teacher, though both have to do with words and with the life of the mind. But the energies required for teaching are altogether different from those you need for writing. As a teacher, I am dealing with flesh and blood “real people”.

There is a constant reality check happening. Teaching is a very public thing, unlike writing. In the latter you deal with characters who can be pushed around a bit!” Before you think that Srilata‘s lifestyle seems to be straight out of Jekyll and Hyde, Ram Govardhan will make you think again.

Govardhan too was on the longlist for his first novel Rough With The Smooth and, he, surprise, surprise, is an auditor with a market research company in Chennai. Last year, two writers got book deals on the basis of their blogs’ popularity — Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan (You Are Here) and Amit Varma (My Friend Sancho), the latter even made it to last year’s longlist.

What this suggests is that now there are many avenues to get published in India. Every major publishing house has a branch in India. On an average, Penguin India publishes one book every ten days. This is statistics and bikinis, both revealing as well as concealing.

Srilata too was emphatic about the publishing scene over an e-mail: “I think there are many more options now for Indians writing in English today than there were in the 90s. Lots of young publishing houses with spunk and a lot more openness, I would think, are open to new writers. It was certainly more difficult to get published in the 90s compared to now.”
(Tom Dark, my literary agent, featured in the Indian media first time)

Tom Dark of Heacock Literary Agency and the agent of Sriram Karri, another who was on the longlist, almost nails it: “In general, the Indian writers we hear from write beautifully. Indian English as it has developed over 250+ years maintains a grace in prose that Americans have begun to forget. Maybe they‘ll teach the world something.”

Sriram Karri too straddles two careers. While he writes books, he makes a living as a corporate consultant and has worked with some of the biggest blue chip companies. He writes columns for The Guardian and The New Indian Express. Sriram expects to be a full-time writer by 2011.

Considering these stories, it‘s unclear what‘s more remarkable — that they finally got their ship up the mountain or that they managed to come down, the other side more or less intact.

Delhi Government to Banish Delhiites During Commonwealth

2009-11-08T07:46:00.000-08:00

Despite the love, regard and care the Delhi government has for its citizens, it has decided to banish all Delhiites from the National Capital Region (NCR) during the Commonwealth Games to ensure the city showcases itself with the best foot forward during the prized event.

“This is the best and only possible solution,” announced Sheila Dixit with a note of disappointment at a press conference held exclusively for Sedition and Perdition recently. “We want to showcase Delhi as a great cosmopolitan city, with great infrastructure, terrific soft infrastructure, where a warm, civil, humane populace exists. The last part we decided to skip.”

“We would like to have people who will be nice to the global tourists and sportspersons, but since Delhiites are incapable of being nice to anyone, we have decided to pack them off to some place for the entire duration of the games,” Sheila Dixit explained to SedPerd on further questioning.

“We discussed this option after exhausting all other options,” she said. “Globally, city-zens try to make their city proud. They keep it clean, they drive with civility, exchange pleasantries casually with strangers and are helpful to them. They own their city, feel pride in its glory and try to make guests feel welcome. Since, regretfully, Delhi if full of Delhiites, who understand none of this, we have decided to ban their presence in the Capital during the Commonwealth games,” she elaborated.
“We feel the international sportspersons, political and diplomatic guests, press and sportslovers who visit Delhi from all over the Commonwealth don’t deserve to get a peep into hell which is what any common interaction with Delhiites equals to,” she said. “We want women sportspersons and lady delegates to roam about the city freely, including late at night, during the games. It is our promise to them. No way this government can achieve it even marginally if the city were filled with Delhiites during the games.”

“In the eyes of the world, Delhi, being the capital, must represent the soul and the best of what India has to offer…the lie will be too difficult, in fact even out rightly impossible, to hide if these international tourists interacted with any Delhiite,” she said. “Why showcase the worst?”

Analysing the decision and explaining the options, she said, “It was sad to finalise upon throwing our own people out of their own city, but it is for the greater common good. You don’t want to destroy everything from Incredible India! to Atithi Devobhava in a single drive from the airport to the sports village. Besides, these very people elected me thrice in a row, I do feel bad…but we have to call a spade a spade, and all Delhiites $@$#%^%$#."

However, the government has yet to decide upon alternatives to evacuating Delhi of all its people, the place where they will be shifted to, whether they will bring in temporary residents from Mumbai, Bangalore, Kolkata or Chennai, or maybe even more hospitable people from Kashmir, Himachal Pradesh, Uttaranchal or Sikkim.

“We are considering various options, but even the choice of a seemingly ghost city is more acceptable to a Delhi full of its people,” she categorically said.

Dixit, known for her candid decision-making and forthright reactions, stunned even SedPerd when she dismissed the option of citizen education. “Alas, nothing works… ask me, I know these people well enough. No government can rein in their ostentatious silliness, motiveless malevolence and grandiose claims of being linked to the powerful or hide their totally unacceptable accents during an international event of pride.”

The Delhi government, facing flak about the possible failure to complete and ready the infrastructure and a few collapses with under-construction flyovers announced that it could face all other challenges if only Delhiites did not live in Delhi. “They are the least caring or conscious of citizens. Attend a wedding or visit a farm house party on weekend and you will know the enormity of the challenge.”

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, Congress President Sonia Gandhi and Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit had several rounds of discussion, after which the decision was taken on a There-Is-No-Alternative criteria. However, the next big challenge comes in implementing the decision.

“It will not be easy,” Sheila Dikshit explained, “For one, Delhiites don’t follow rules or government decisions, which is the original reason why we have to throw them out. Secondly, no smart state or province will accept or allow so many Delhiites coming into their place so easily. But Delhi has historically been successful in thrusting its whims on the rest of the country, so why not this time.”

A noted historian-writer based in Delhi added, “This sojourn might be good for Delhiites. Last time around, Tuqlaq took them for a long walk, they either died or became fitter, more humble and sweet. It just might be a case of history repeats.”

Maharashtra Votes For Cong-NCP Achievements like T20, Reality TV, 26-11 Attacks

2009-10-31T20:59:00.000-07:00

The Congress-NCP won the elections in Maharashtra with a comfortable majority on a positive agenda of its performance and a host of achievements in the last few years, including creating a great reality TV-like news coverage possible for news channels with systematic failures leading to the Mumbai attack, its dramatic sponsorship of a potential Ram Gopal Varma film on the same subject, creating a great second-rung of leadership drawn from sons and daughters of all key leaders on the Congress-NCP combine, for delays and squabbles over the international airport, Reliance brother split and fights, successfully exporting the IPL to South Africa, successfully bringing Jet air hostesses on to the streets protesting for jobs, those subsequent pictures in newspapers, ignoring Raj Thackeray’s attacks on Biharis, punching the Shiv Sena by planning a huge Shivaji statue, successfully ensuring Sanjay Dutt got out of TADA cases, release of Jaswant Singh’s book on Jinnah, ensuring the defeat of Jagmohan Dalmiya and paving the way for Sharad Pawar to head BCCI, convincing Danny Boyle to make a movie, buying musical rights of Jai Ho for its campaign, dumping Govinda during Lok Sabha elections, telling the Marathi manoos what Kambli thinks of Sachin, enabling them to dream of marrying Rakhi Sawant, supporting the President’s son’s bid for MLA, inflation and fall in growth, job losses, and the usual cultural props of corruption, bribery, unaccountable scams and scandals, and the dramatic leadership change, Sedition and Perdition found out through a detailed discussion with political analysts.“Did we forget,” they added in glee, “rains, floods, drought, mismanagement during crisis after crisis, and helping our society create new heroes in ATF and NSG forces.”

“Factors which also helped the ruling Congress-NCP retain power in Maharashtra to rule for the third successive time range from the Amitabh Bachchan-Shah Rukh Khan rivalry, Aamir Khan’s six pack, successive hits of Akshay Kumar, visits of Rahul Gandhi to Dalit villages in Uttar Pradesh…” a political analyst continued.

Interrupting the expert, SedPerd asked, “We are speaking about reasons for Congress-NCP victory in the Maharashtra Assembly polls?”

The ace political analyst nonchalantly answered, “Of course, all these reasons kept the minds of voters distracted from real governance issues. How else do ruling parties win elections? Why even the failure of the Mumbai Indians in IPL did not affect the chances of the ruling combine.”

Elaborating further on the analysis, they explained that the only factor that had little to do with Cong-NCP win was the successful construction and timely inauguration of the Bandra-Worli sea link, or the Farmer’s Loan Waiver scheme. “No farmer or common man in Maharashtra or anywhere in the country associates farming with Sharad Pawar, our Union Agriculture Minister,” they said, “but Atal Behari Vajpayee and Mahajan were huge factors.”

“Vajpayee and Pramod Mahajan?” SedPerd quizzed; to which the analysts replied, “Yes and no. Vajpayee was a huge factor because he was not there. The Mahajan we talk of is not the late Pramod, but his son Rahul, a reality TV star and judge, and his sister, a contestant.”

When pressed to explain if pressures of governance, inflation, corruption, power, roads, water supply, jobs creation and unemployment, poverty and development were not pressing issues, analysts pointed out that Maharashtra had only the bad rule of Congress-NCP as a benchmark for over a decade.

“No one remembers anything particularly entertaining or spectacular from the rare stint BJP-Shiv Sena had in the state, save the visit of Michael Jackson, who is anyway dead for Balasaheb or Uddahav to re-invite.”

“Good governance, ethical rule, moral utilisation of power, providing a free, liberal and fair society maybe the needs of the electorate, but no party dishes them out; hence they are largely irrelevant. It is like a dish we all clamour for in our hunger, but no restaurant serves it,” the political experts rationalised.

Asked if the court ban on pre-poll surveys, opinion and exit polls made any impact on the results, they replied in the positive. “It made a huge impact, not on the elections, but on the media. They could have milked that for a few days, but they lost the opportunity.”

Finally asked to sum up the biggest reasons for the Congress-NCP victory, including providing props like the impact of Lok Sabha polls, image of Manmohan Singh making Pratibha Patil, a Maharashtrian, President, split in right wing vote by Raj Thackeray, or sub-regional factors, the analysts replied with a big laugh. “The biggest reason why the Congress-NCP won so convincingly was the BJP-Shiv Sena combine, are such pathetic losers.”

America, Sweden recognize scientific ability, India attaches Nobel Brahmin tag

2009-10-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

American scientist Dr Venkatraman Ramakrishnan received, in a single week, a Nobel Prize from Sweden after merely looking at his work in chemistry, whereas India gave him a caste tag, regional badge, tried to involve him in jingoist celebrations in honour of the Swedish honour and created an entire alternate identity for him, but entirely ignored his work.

Hundreds of spam load of jingoist mails, post the announcement that American scientist Dr Ramakrishnan won the Nobel for studies of structure and function of ribosome, the body’s protein factories, an honour the Swedes also gave to Thomas A Steitz of Yale University and Ada E Yonath of Weizmann Institute of Science in Israel, without considering age, gender, nationality, place of birth, social hierarchy… nothing save the brilliance of their work, declared to the scientist their pride at the winning of a prize by a Chidambaram (Tamil Nadu)-born Tamil Brahmin.“We are proud of you, Venky, you have won some Novel prize for biology or maths or whatever… we love you, fellow son of Tamil soil,” proud fans of Rajnikant, Khusbhoo, and animated Tamil-lovers of both DMK and AIADMK camps declared.

In retaliation, equally proud Gujaratis claimed their counter pride in Venky, a person who had moved to Baroda in 1955 at the age of three, for having won the Noel prize in kemistry. “As a fellow Gujarati, we love you Venky,” said several of the accused of the Godhra riots.

US scientist Dr Ramakrishnan, 57, who was born in 1952, who received professional and personal congratulations from people close to him from across the world, looking back at his efforts, passion and discussing his actual work; while absolute strangers and people who ignored him for decades in India, claimed him as their own, giving a damn for his work itself.

While the media ignored his American citizenship and hyped him as an “Indian-born”, getting nostalgic about his childhood National Science Talent Scholarship won as a school boy, declaring it the reason for being his being spurred into a career in science.“Did you live in Tamil Nadu as a child? Do you still have any personal or family connections in Tamil Nadu? How closely have you kept your ties alive with Baroda? Do you plan to return to IISc? Did you see Shah Rukh Khan in Swades? Are you proud of being an Indian? Do you plan your next holiday to Mumbai? What is your favourite Bollywood or Tamil film? Do you listen to A R Rahman?” were some of the sample questions Indians mailed, which Sedition and Perdition found aired to the Nobel Laureate.

Speaking exclusively to SedPerd in an interview which never happened, the scientist refused to be working next on the reason why only Tamil Brahmins win Novel prize in sciences from India.

“Free India has won no Nobel prize in science… repeat… zero… yes, the original Indian scientific contribution. I am not going to establish a scientific link between caste and Nobel prize,” American scientist Dr Ramakrishnan screamed to SedPerd, admonishing him for calling him by his nickname.

“Stop sending me spam emails and calling me Venky, and no, for the last time I am telling you I am not your classmate in college in Bhopal and I do not recall having gone for picnics in Delhi with you,” he yelled.

Unperturbed, celebrations erupted in any place which could with least credibility claim a link to the scientist, based on any criteria ranging from same initials, same year of birth, people of same astrological sign, among others across the country.

In Gujarat, ignoring the fact that his father, C V Ramakrishnan had had a bitter exit from the Maharaja Sayajirao University of Baroda, despite being an accomplished academic, having founded the department of biochemistry in the varsity with his wife Rajalakshmi, owing to politicians, the varsity plans to create a statue for him, SedPerd’s fake investigations found out.

“However, Dr Ramakrishnan shocked all proud Indians by declaring that ‘it is a mistake to judge science by Nobel Prizes’, when he should know that we Indians measure everything by international awards like Novel,” said an Indian politician.

Ignoring his suggestions that it is important to give young people the freedom to follow ideas and pursue their interests, the country has decided to continue to claim him as ours, ignoring his work and his ideas, and in his honour, the state government will soon sponsor research if there is a link between exemplary scientific research and being Brahmin.

Political bribes noble, but CEO salaries vulgar: Congress Minister

2009-10-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

Giving a lashing to CEOs of corporations, multinationals and business houses for archaic reward systems, a Congress minister told them in no uncertain times, "A strongly visible hypocritical austerity, with layers and hordes of hidden wealth derived from extortion, forced donations, bribes, hawala monies must replace this clean, high salary systems at the top. The Corporate rewards systems must learn from the political payout mechanisms to achieve larger public acceptance of a farce austerity riding on the wave of ill-gotten loots."

Speaking at a CII event which never took place, and elaborating further to Sedition and Perdition afterwards, the minister explained in detail the middle ground a mixed economy and polity must achieve between clichéd ideals of Socialism and de facto benefits restricted for the elite in a semi-Capitalistic setup, "India’s poor people, commoners, the aam aadmi, not cattle, people; they must not be given a feeling that the CEOs are having a great time during a recession year, or when natural hazards are striking at their very survival. What is the need, when Corporates can follow our fake austerity publicity drive, take low salaries like ministers or parliamentarians, and zip it up through unaccounted funds and channels on the sly?"

The minister was upset that when ministers get a few meager thousands as salary each month, in contrast, a CEO gets a few crore, ending up paying income taxes on it and giving the media a high-point of writing on power and wealth.

"Let CEOs take low salaries like us politicians, forever in the charade of earned poverty and focused service, while building a secret empire of money. Are you thinking a Rs 10,000 salary is not enough for a parliamentarian who spends crores for elections? Ah, that is the secret corporations must learn from us."

Corporate CEOs also came up for criticism for the large stock options, private jets, luxurious lifestyles and open flaunting of hard earned wealth. "Okay, these corporate guys are snubbing us politicians because unlike us they have actually created wealth and earned their rights to it. But still, why flaunt it…we have more money than all these corporate-vorporate fellows, but an odd economy class flight, dinner with the Dalits, visits to villages…. You know, the corporate social responsibility thing… making the industry join politics in service of nation image. Why don’t they understand?"

Speaking exclusively to SedPerd in an interview which never happened, the minister revealed that he would use a severe dose of guilt tripping in times to come to browbeat the corporates into submission. "Unlike us who steal national resources openly as our own, but do it with a selfless motive and hide behind austerity farce of dire proportions, we have nothing to feel guilty about…but the corporate guys, after they create wealth and earn it, if they are going to take a share of it, we will beat them into feeling guilt. They will fall into place."

Corporate leaders speaking to SedPerd seem to be falling in line with the call of the minister, after initial sounds of unconvincing protest.

"Government cannot force a censorship on this issue, they have no rights to pass laws to limit CEO compensation…however, we in the corporate world have to build in a social equity dimension in rewarding the chief executives," said a guilty-looking corporate honcho.
Meanwhile, several politicians with salaries as low as a few thousands of rupees, took to more a public austerity drive, walking on roads, taking public transport buses, eating off leafs, dining with the poor in villages and screaming that, "the time for corporate compensation running into crores, being considered legitimate is over. No one can earn much more than the lowest and poorest any longer."

Empowered by the guiltless wealth of extortion, land grabbing, exchange of public licences, utility rights and a share of power for huge amounts, political thugs prepared to unleash the real purpose of the recently started austerity drive…to take complete control of corporate wealth…and to empower themselves and divert it towards unaccounted political funds.

"We, too, are against control of any kind…we just want regulation," said a politician, sounding serious and correct, to SedPerd, who could barely hide their glee at both the moron and his oxymoron, but nevertheless took notes for their report anyway, which the country will stomach without a protest.

Tharoor spills Congress secret: Common Man is Cattle

2009-10-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

Still in champagne mood after a great victory in the general elections and doubly elated with the internal troubles of its principal opposition, the BJP, the Congress-led UPA government was in for a rude shock when its deepest secret was revealed by one of its own ministers, the UN-returned rookie, Shashi Tharoor.

The entire Congress election strategy and brand was built on a deep-rooted secret hidden from the nation that the aam aadmi is no more to the party and its power desires than cattle, Sedition and Perdition found through exclusive investigations.

While the '70s and '80s were decades when the Congress appealed to the garib aadmi for votes out of democratic compulsion, they never considered them more significant than subjects and beggars desperate to wag their tails for alms thrown about as welfare, Congress sources told SedPerd.

But the Congress changed its entire philosophy from considering the nation full of beggars seeking alms owing to the changed realities of the world and post-reforms India, by moving to aam aadmi and elevated their status from beggars to cattle. This secret is the only aspect covered by the Official Secrets Act that Congressmen actually respect, in deference to the High Command, sources did not reveal to SedPerd.

Shashi Tharoor, Minister of State for Exernal Affairs, joined the Congress party and Indian politics after failing in his bid to be elected Secretary General of the United Nations. He lost the UN elections to a Korean because the people who could have perhaps appreciated his humour could not be reached through a series of 140-character messages, be cause Twitter was not in vogue then, his OSD told SedPerd in an interview which never happened.

The first-time The first-time MP from Kerala, who originally made a mark on Indians with atrocious books ranging from The Great Indian Novel to The Elephant, The Tiger And The Cell Phone, found a new arsenal in Twitter, which he used to shamelessly violate the Secrets Act by letting out a Congress Secrets Act by letting out a national secret of great importance.

The secret that the aam aadmi is mere cattle, popping out with a mere tweet in 140 characters, shocked the Congress when he most famous of lines to be ever written by Tharoor, "...Absolutely, in cattle class out of solidarity with our holy cows!" became the main talking point of the nation.

Rajasthan chief minister Ashok Gehlot, his Madhya Pradesh counterpart Shivraj Singh Chouhan, party spokespersons Manish Tewari and Jayanthi Natarajan were all united in condemning Tharoor. "We have successfully managed to hide from the people of this country that the Congress considers them no better than cattle for all these years. How dare he let out the secret?" they asked in off-record conversations with SedPerd.

The BJP, however, failed to make the most of the situation because they were rather confused about the `holy cows' part of the tweet. "Cattle is fine, but who is a holy cow? We are very confused," BJP sources told Sedition and Perdition. "Our government is not serious about Chinese incursions but busy tweeting, and investigating the nuclear explosions that never happened." Tharoor, continuing his campaign against holy secrets, explained that holy cows were not "individuals" but "sacrosanct issues or principles that no one dares challenge."

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh downplayed the entire controversy, describing Tharoor's comment as a joke, which itself is considered by most people in the Congress as a joke, sources did not tell SedPerd.

"Tharoor occupies a responsible and dignified post. He should not have made such condemnable and unfortunate remarks, which were insensitive, unacceptable and insensible," Congress sources said. "We run a political party that hopes to rule the country using aam aadmi as cattle fodder... what is the logic in revealing this secret? And how dare he joke about the High Command?"

Upset with the political establishment for "not getting humour", Tharoor retorted, "...not joked about... joked to..."

Tharoor, the most visible political face in Indian foreign ministry , now wants to get down to the business of shaping the way India runs its foreign policy, even as the party has gotten down to the business of ensuring he steps down.

Meanwhile, he has been approached by several dotcoms to become their brand ambassador, ranging from Twitter, Facebook, Rediff, Yatra, Monsterindia and Oktatabyebye.com, SedPerd learnt.

TV Achieves Breakthrough: Touches Zero-IQ Paradigm

2009-10-04T12:10:00.000-07:00

After decades of trying to lower the IQ levels of programme content created for telecast to large masses, an Indian TV company has finally achieved a breakthrough by which any script, concept, programme, software, audio file, song, or any possible component likely to be fed into TV is checked for its IQ appeal, and anything above Zero-IQ can now be instantly detected and removed, Sedition and Perdition discovered in an exclusive investigation.

Despite having several human and zombie filters to ensure that the IQ content in TV programs is kept low, errors would invariably creep in, and a single intelligent line by some unwanted character in a serial, or a smart reaction on a news programme or a public debate would raise the overall IQ levels of the channel, a well-known TRP-disaster.

Television has to be constantly on the vigil against such IQ surges, which would lead to millions of people changing their channels and a subsequent loss of advertisement revenue, but the process was largely manual.

"From programme directors, input and output directors, creative directors, programme producers, sponsors and creative associates…everyone is very well aware of the disastrous impact the presence of anything intelligent or smart on a programme can have. Allowing it to reach the tube undetected is a complete system failure," explained a TV channel director to SedPerd.

"The entire process of de-bugging all programmes of any positive IQ was still done manually, a laborious process even if natural to most people we employ. This technology will take our programming content to great heights. We will soon start airing officially certified Zero-IQ programmes," said the excited TV executive. "The eventual goal is, of course, to use this technology to make the entire channel achieve those heights."

Speaking of the impact of this technology, a TV content analyst said, "It will not make too much impact for the stupid viewers of TV. While Absolute Zero-IQ programmes sound wonderful, most channels and several programmes have nearly achieved that level for decades. Have you forgotten Doordarshan?" he taunted SedPerd.

"Channels have used several strategies to keep TV programme IQ levels low all these years, including showcasing Bollywood and cricket on their programmes a lot. Thus, they naturally ensured that IQ content was no risk while on air, live or otherwise," another analyst explained.

"The biggest threat would have been news channels, airing news live, collating public opinion from the street, having politicians, lawyers and party spokespersons in studio doing public debates. But TV soon sorted that one out without challenging the non-existent IQ threshold of its audiences. Instead of debating, they began screaming…people like Ravi Shankar, Abhishek Manu and Jayanti N are good examples of that," he explained.

The technology will be of great value to advertisers, who can now be assured that none of the messages are wasted on people who have any sense of dignity, pride or intelligence.
"When we used primetime TV as a media to, say, sell this pop-me-magic-pill, we could reach say a few hundred million… a few smart asses would realise that this ad is crazy and never buy the product. But now, we are sure, every single person out there watching TV is a total dumbhead," an ad-man explained. "Guess what it makes of our country… the ultimate marketer‘s fantasy…millions of dolts with money and no brains, who will take whatever you shove into their heads."

Researchers said that while TV has a larger impact of lowering IQ levels in people in all aspects of life, including work and personal life, public and social life. "We have only been having zombie-IQ content on TV all these years, despite Bollywood interviews, cricket, political screaming, dramatised crime, exclusive religious cult channels, reality TV, Rakhi Sawant...despite all that TV did not succeed in touching Zero. This breakthrough is a culmination of lots of effort," TV analysts explained SedPerd.

"Soon, you will witness Zero-IQ as a paradigm: TV programmes, ads, products, people, conversations, humour, politics, life...a whole new generation ahead. The potential, as a market, is huge," they added.

Within minutes of SedPerd filing this report, the news was announced at a press conference, which was telecast live and exclusive on all channels. Breaking News. Has the idiot box surpassed its brief?

After pilot’s death, his young son seeks licence

2009-09-20T04:25:00.000-07:00

Barely a few hours after the news of the death of the pilot of a helicopter in a crash broke out, his 12-year-old son, still recovering from the news of his father’s death, was prepared by his friends and relatives to demand and inherit his father’s flying licence and immediately take over his mantle of flying copters.

Sedition and Perdition learn that the moment the news of the death took place, family members and friends began to discuss ways to keep the reins of flying copters within the family and everybody felt that the 12-year-old son was the natural choice.

“He has the same stern looks like his father, and when he wears his father’s flying cap for fun, they are almost the same person. It is fair and natural that he be allowed to take his father’s dreams ahead,” a supporter of the cause of making the kid a pilot explained to SedPerd.

Using several tactics to put pressure on the Director General of Civil Aviation to give all established norms and rules in declaring the kid as the next pilot to fly the copters, including signature campaign, fasting in front of the airports and officials of DGCA, making media statements, his supporters felt that it is very likely he will be inducted into India’s elite flying team very shortly.
Discussions were on within the supporters’ group on how to use the media to create sympathy for the father and have it transferred into support for the son, releasing family album photos and home videos on how the son always played with mini planes and copters, and warn of dire consequences if another fully trained pilot with logical credentials inherited the dead pilot’s mantle, sources told SedPerd.

“See the boy… and keep the adage, child is the father of man in mind. Look at his room; he sleeps with all those toy planes close at hand. He has been playing with flying machine toys all this life… and what did his father who gave up his life flying ever want or dream for his son… that he too fly one day. Today, that day has arrived,” his supporters screamed into eager TV cameras.

In the entire episode, the four others who died in the copter crash have however been largely ignored by the media in its attention. Investigations by SedPerd revealed that the children of the other four have not sought instant re-placement. The IAS officer’s son and daughter hope to continue their education in the proper fashion before taking a call on appearing for the civil services, the sons of the two security officers who also perished want to go for NDA after schooling, while the politician’s children want to continue in business.

Dismissing objections being raised on the grounds of inexperience and lack of ability or not having been tested sufficiently enough to be granted a flying licence, his followers explained that even the father was keen his son starting flying young. “Why, the last time he himself took the 12-year-old into the cockpit and made him touch all the levers? He even wore the headphones and imitated his father in saying Charlie-Mike, Charlie-Mike…what more experience do you need?”

In another development, while the high command at the DGCA is taking its time to take a decision, it has installed the second most senior and capable assistant pilot already in service as Pilot, but several of the assistant pilots are openly refusing to take orders from him and rushing to the kid for instructions.

“The way he has showed us the way and given instructions on complex matters of flying routes, weather preparedness, quality testing of these flying beasts…all without much thought, just at the snap of a finger, shows how strong in decision making he is,” they said.

Sources at the DGCA told SedPerd that higher officials are waiting for the flying selection tests for pilot extensions in Maharashtra will swing the decision, thought the high command wants to appear to be in command.

In this entire power struggle, the dead pilot was already forgotten and became relegated to campaign posters and cursory lip service in ostentatious memorials.

Speakers seek Z-plus security in Parliament, Assemblies

2009-09-12T20:23:00.000-07:00

An emergency meeting of Speakers of State Legislative Assemblies, chaired by the Lok Sabha Speaker, demanded that Speakers be provided with Z-plus category security, including a convoy of gun men and commando dogs in the House while conducting Parliamentary and Legislative business.

"The inherent danger to the lives and health of Speakers while they run the House, be it the Lok Sabha, Rajya Sabha, or the State Legislative Assembly, or Council, makes it essential for the government to immediately provide them with Z-plus category security," a Speaker informed select media after the meet.

"They may withdraw it when we are out at home, on the roads, with our people in the constituencies, abroad, in industry conclaves or academic seminars. But the risk in the House in maintaining law and order in Parliament and Assemblies, conducting legislative business in close proximity to hundreds of MPs and MLAs is unimpeachably high. You mentioned hazardous work conditions, but what would you guys know about it?" he explained to Sedition and Perdition. "My family is hardly concerned when I visit jails, crowds, riot scenes, crime spots, protest zones, police firing or furious dharnas… but when I go to the House, why, my wife is constantly calling to check on my safety."

The meeting, earlier, considered a new dress code for Speakers, including helmets, riot gear, chest guards, bullet proof vests, mike-proof nose-guards, etc, but the Speakers from Jammu & Kashmir, Bihar, Tamil Nadu and Uttar Pradesh vetoed the proposition.

"It will be too little, too late… our MLAs can now pluck out a mike, tear down our helmets and break our skulls if we ask them to be quiet, not to interrupt or heckle another member, or request them to desist from flocking into the Well of the House," they pleaded. "Just having the Speakers in Anti-Riot gear will not be adequate to protect them."

The Speakers also demanded special insurance to be provided to them, extra medication to handle the stress-related disorders and special vacation allowances.

"You would think the job of maintaining decorum and running the supreme lawmakers in a democracy would hardly involve any work. Maybe, you watch some action live on TV and think it is a bit difficult… just visit us at office and you will know," they complained to SedPerd.

Another suggestion was to build a see-through but unbreakable glass wall between the Speaker’s Podium and the rest of the House with cutting-edge technology, but it failed to convince Speakers from various states that they would be assured of their safety.

"Jail walls don’t hold back some of my MLAs," a Speaker from a State Assembly told SedPerd on conditions of anonymity. "If some of them can break jail walls, you think I will trust some glass wall to protect me?"

Similarly, another suggestion to have a suction chamber surrounding the Speaker’s podium, which would automatically lead to anyone rushing towards the Speaker falling into a black hole 100 feet below, was also rejected.

"These guys don’t fall so easy and do you think we believe they have any respect for the laws of gravity? They might just amend it and rush to break an unsuspecting Speaker’s skull for asking them to be silent."

After rejecting all ideas, including suggestions to have all tables, chairs, mikes, bulbs, fans removed from the Houses, the members settled on demanding Z-plus category security for themselves while in the House.

The meeting ended with a resolution addressed to the Vice President, who is also the Chairman of Rajya Sabha, who endorsed the demands with a small amendment, "… all Speakers, and Vice President, besides all other presiding officers of our various august Houses…"

The Vice President and the Speakers then took the resolution to the President, seeking immediate action. When the President asked them to present it in their respective Houses, they groaned in disappointment, angry and afraid.
"To go back to the same Houses and seek the same people to listen to us and pass relevant Acts to protect us… What irony? But then is it not the same with the entire country… to protect ourselves from politicians, we still have to go to them," they said, returning with drooping shoulders, hoping, for once, that the members would act civil.

BCCI Bans Tennis Ball and galli Cricket

2009-09-05T20:54:00.000-07:00

The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) today decided to ban all forms of galli, indoor, school-kid and ‘customised’ cricket games, including those played on streets, in homes, and with tennis, hockey or plastic balls.

The BCCI has also declared a life-long ban on those individuals, especially young children, who "spoil the spirit of the game by playing cricket on roads and streets, with tennis or other such balls and do not wear pads or gloves while batting or keeping, among others."

"This is a gross violation of the rules of the game. It is illegal, lowers the dignity of both the ICC and BCCI, and therefore, strictly speaking from today onwards, shall be punished," a BCCI official, beaming with glee, announced.

"We are specially warning children playing cricket without wearing shoes, pads and gloves, or using tennis balls or any non-cricket ball — stop it or face our fury, which will be unleashed ruthlessly, by placing a life ban on you, preventing you from watching any IPL matches, having your thumbs cut off if you persist, or your TV cables blocked out of all cricket telecasts," the official told Sedition and Perdition.

Along predictable lines, all major cricketers, international cricket bodies, national cricket bodies, BCCI officials, ex-cricketers, commentators, Bollywood stars, irrelevant politicians manning cricket bodies, and loads of sport lovers in India supported the move.

"Quite frankly this ban should have been brought into place long ago. For decades now, Indians across the country have been insulting their self-confessed religion of cricket, demeaning its stature, lowering its dignity and indulging in other blasphemous actions, including using tennis balls. How would Brazil react if kids there played soccer with a cricket ball?" a cricket commentator, earlier caught in a betting and match fixing scandal sermonised. "Tennis balls, aagrrh."

But in sharp reaction, sports goods shops, tennis associations and coaches, condemned the ban on tennis ball cricket. "We will be destroyed if we are not allowed to sell tennis balls to Indian children so they can play cricket with it. What do you think all these tennis courts and tennis balls and racquets are purchased for…to play tennis? Good god, no!"

Tennis coaches across India, who help Indian children perfect the art of playing cricket with tennis balls threatened to go on strike if the ban was not removed. "What will we do? How will we earn and how will we feed our families? Tennis coaches in India will become bankrupt if they have to earn their livelihood teaching tennis," they said.

In another sinister move, Lalit Modi announced the creation of a new premium league of cricket which will have 10 overs an innings, to be played only with tennis balls, on simulated gallis.

"This multi-billion dollar league is my innovation, a new way of playing cricket. We will have everyone who matters — political parties, godmen, industrial houses and Bollywood stars to bid for the teams. Just imagine, premium schools, slums and common galli kids all selected on a reality show with Danny Boyle as a judge, top-notch cricketers from around the world joining the teams, purchased by these cash-rich cricket lovers, and mind you, only 10 over a side, leaving more television time for ads and entertainment… all this is my idea and contribution to cricket," Modi told SedPerd in an exclusive interview that never happened.

Legendary cricket Sunil Gavaskar, who just managed to save his skin from a life ban for having played cricket in narrow gallis, proclaimed the genius of Modi. "He is to cricket what Goebbels was to the Nazi party," he told SedPerd in a fictional interview.

"Just imagine taking something that is already there, banning it using your muscle, then making a format of it and earning billions… That is the genius of the BCCI and Modi."

Objectivist, a near anonymous philosopher, reacted saying, "It was always there openly in front of the public. The alphabet ‘C’ in BCCI stands for control…why cricket or cricketers need control, no one questioned. This is the logical end of it."

In the meanwhile, exuberant stars began planning for the bids, cricketers globally announced retirement from Test and One Day Internationals cricket to join the Indian Tennis-ball Galli Cricket League, while TV moguls smacked their lips, ad men went frantic creating newer galli-compliant Zoo-Zoos, and little cricket loving kids shrugged their shoulders and began playing Kabbadi on Indian streets, while the unheard poet screamed in pain, "they have destroyed my dear game of cricket... completely".

BJP seeks total ban on nefarious acts like writing books, reading

2009-08-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

An emergency meeting chaired by the leader of the opposition in Parliament, L K Advani, and attended by top leaders of the party including president Rajnath Singh, declared the country’s principal opposition party’s strong opposition to the nefarious, time-wasting and anti-national activity of “writing books”.

The BJP declared its intent to launch a nation-wide movement seeking to educate people against all the negative impacts books cause, including having a Bill presented in Parliament making all such activities, including writing books, editing or publishing them, storing, selling or reading them illegal.

Party leaders explained to the media how books were harming social fabric, weakening political parties, disrupting power balances, exposing myths carefully built in national interest, besides making it impossible for creative re-presentation of history.

“All important books that need to be written are already there… and many more that are not needed. Since every book presents an idea which refutes an existing idea, it means no book can claim to be speaking the truth. Why should we tolerate such open lying and contradiction? Besides, books make people unsocial… imagine creatures spending hours alone writing or reading them? Do we want such nefarious activities and can the government of the day tolerate it?” asked an angry BJP leader.

Explaining the importance of historic preservation, especially in the context of dangerous neighbours like Pakistan and China, another BJP leader demanded that all books trying to “window dress” Partition be publicly burned and their authors stoned to death for sedition.

“Imagine a holocaust like the Partition and think of who else but a demon like Jinnah would advocate it? But what can come and present him like a saint — ha, you guessed it right, a book. Can India continue tolerating this any more?” he asked.

Seeking an exemption of a few works, including the Ramayana and Mahabharata, and some parts of the Indian Constitution, My Experiments With Truth, and the last great literary work, My Country, My Life, by Advani, the party demanded an immediate ban on all book stores, blocking all websites engaged in immoral trade of “anti-national ideas”, literary festivals and book awards, besides arresting all publishers, editors, writers and such other thugs of the same trade, the party also demanded immediate counseling to be provided to all those who are already afflicted by reading.

“There are some unfortunate citizens who are afflicted with strange mental disorders, be it inclinations towards homosexuality or worse, those wanting to read for no practical purpose, save just read more. Such people should get support from the government including free psychiatric treatment,” they demanded.

The BJP also asked the youth to desist from getting into such bad habits and suggested that they take up socialising and attempt to develop the right mental aptitude and attitude by joining some shakha nearby. The party protested by burning several books and burning a few authors.

In another development, religious fundamentalists of all hues supported the BJP, seeking an immediate ban on most books, with the sole exception of religious texts approved by them.

The Communist parties also supported the BJP, by calling for a ban on books, calling the publishing industry a capitalist conspiracy to brainwash the masses and profit. “Knowledge and entertainment — both can continue through folk songs, street theatre and other proletariat arts.”

Ridiculing the agitation against books and passing of strictures and fatwas against books and authors, the ruling Congress party has turned down the demands. “It is a ridiculous idea to demand the overnight banning of all books… it must be a gradual process,” a Congress leader said. “Besides, we are committed to ensuring the continuation of all books which embarrass the BJP and portray them and their ideas in a bad light. Such is democracy.”

“However, a statutory warning will now have to be printed on all books which portray the Congress in a bad light,” he explained, smiling and adding,” … of course, we will also ban all books against the leaders from the Nehru-Gandhi family… surely, those are anti-national.”

However, when SedPerd contacted a writer, who has never been published, never earned a penny out of writing, has no fans or readers, or a hope of ever getting anything out of his writing, he still refused to be cowed down. “Who cares… I will continue to write… that is all I know how to do anyway.”

Is India The Most Racist Country On Earth?

2009-08-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

When Indyan met both Sedition and Perdition recently, he was seething with moral indignation and trembling with rage at the racist world that exists outside India.

It is quite appalling, he began his cliché , reflecting the viewpoint shared by several of his countrymen, looking angrily at Sedition.

First, these racist Americans ask President Kalam to remove his shoes and frisk him. Now, they detain Shah Rukh Khan, confusing him, we are told with some dangerous namesake, deny him even a phone call and treat him like a terror suspect. I condemn it.

He looked eagerly at the duo for some moral seconding. He found none, yet he continued. Across Australia, they attack Indian students because of their colour and country of origin. This is so demeaning, he argued.

Sedition intervened. What is upsetting you? That Americans actually suspected either Kalam or SRK, or that they conducted routine security checks on them, or it happened to VIPs, or that they were Muslims, or that we failed to respond quid pro quo? That it was racist or that it happened to us abroad?

Confused, Indyan looked to Perdition for help. Perdition, instead, fully backed his partner.

In stark violation of the rules, we know in India an SRK will never get properly checked while boarding an airplane, except after he has been paid millions and it is part of a movie shoot. Naturally, he felt upset. Why did Kalam choose to fly with an American airline when we have Air India? In India, no rules apply for VIPs, so naturally they get upset when they have to stand in queues and undergo regular treatment like others. So, all this is not about injustice but about the denial of privilege, itself a form of gross injustice.

Are you saying there is no element of racism in this at all, demanded

Indyan angrily. Can America racially profile us and get away with it?

So what? Every country does it. Saudi Arabia does it all the while — advertising for Muslims-only jobs in India. All Muslims countries do it in open forms, Communist nations did it, but worse, we in India do it all the time. How much of prejudice we in India have against Muslims is well known, isn’t it?

We cannot be racist. We all belong to one race, argued Indyan, albeit with little conviction.

How about trying to find a rented house in Ahmedabad or Mumbai? Even by smaller Bollywood actors? How about gender?

Is a housing society not entitled to do a check on people moving into their residential block, defended Indyan. Can we not run a check before we hire a driver, or a marry a woman, or employ someone?

That, if it constantly results in denying something to a set of people — not marrying women because of the colour of their skin, not hiring someone because of his religion, or not allowing a set of people to rent or buy apartments — is the worst form of profiling. Of racist prejudice and oppression, proclaimed SedPerd.

Can a man be called racist because he wants to marry a fair complexioned or beautiful girl?

If a whole nation is obsessed with it, if fairness skin creams sell into millions, and if that becomes our sole idea of beauty, YES. It is racist.

How about the violence against Indian students in Australia?

How about caste? Consider 1984, Bhagalpur, Godhra... and our special love for Muslims under TADA and POTA. How about the violence against Biharis or UP bhaiyas in Mumbai? How about caste prejudice in Panchayats? How about fatwas against youngsters for marrying someone outside their caste?

So does that justify SRK being detained, asked Indyan.

Don’t even bother about it, laughed SedPerd. He convinced the US Government to join him in promoting his next movie. I suspect this might be part of the Anil Ambani-Spielberg agreement and don’t think Emraan Hashmi did not try the same thing with our media. But he was fighting for the plain issue of justice, that too in India. Besides, there was no great cause he had, like a Bollywood film to promote.

Gujarat's Prohibition: Gandhism or Goondaism in Disguise?

2009-08-19T04:43:00.000-07:00

After consuming illicitly produced cheap alcohol, 136 Indians lost their lives last month in Ahmedabad, Gujarat. This incident has now overtaken the previous worst Gujarat incident of this type, in which 132 died in Vadodara in 1989.

Smaller tragedies, with death tolls just reaching double figures, are common in various states of India, including Andhra Pradesh, Bengal, Tamil Nadu, Orissa and Rajasthan. Cheap arrack, banned in most states, is illegally made and sold across the country – often under the patronage of corrupt police and politicians.

In the latest tragedy, there has been not a single word of protest against the core cause: a prohibition that has been in effect in Gujarat since Indian independence in 1947. It was imposed out of deference to Mahatma Gandhi, father of the nation, who was born in the region.

Gujarat is the only state in which complete prohibition is enforced. Despite representations from the alcohol, hotel and tourism industries, no state government has dared change the law – partly because of the association with Gandhi but also because of the huge monies involved in the trade of illegal liquor.

Gandhi's views on prohibition are archaic, debatable and undemocratic (he also wanted a complete ban on beef consumption) but he is too sacred a figure to be challenged in political debate.

Abstaining from alcohol was only a minor detail of Gandhi's larger call for spiritual purification. Purity was built on the foundations of truth and nonviolence, strengthened further with abstaining from meat, tobacco, sex and alcohol. But Gandhian values and policies were already dying in India when the great man was assassinated in 1948.

As a secular country, India ought to have risen above such moralising in public policy. After all, if beef offends Hindus, pork and alcohol hurt the sentiments of Muslims. Tobacco is opposed by tenets of the Sikhs and Jainism opposes all non-vegetarian fare. It would be practically impossible to pander to all these varied religious principles.

Gandhi also opposed security for political leaders, refusing it himself despite strong threats and eventually paying for it with his life. He would not be surrounded by policemen, much less so with commandos armed with guns. This is one Gandhian principle that no politician in India would approve of, since they treat being surrounded with armed men as a status symbol.

The reality, though, is that the invocation of Gandhi in the prohibition argument is just window dressing. Indian politics, funded largely by the profits from two industries – real estate and alcohol – is not averse to topping up its coffers with the proceeds of bootlegging.

Nobody expects politicians in India to live up to Gandhian values. But it is their failure to live up to decent, commonsense values that infuriates and alienates people.

Gandhi, Freedom Fighters fast, boycotts I-Day in Heaven

2009-08-15T22:34:00.000-07:00

HEAVEN: Mahatma Gandhi led a host of freedom fighters, who after much deliberation, decided not to celebrate Independence Day, instead marking it with prayers and a hunger sit-in and passing a special resolution to write to Parliament on changes they want in the way India is run.

The enthusiastic plans of the freedom fighters, satyagrahis, revolutionaries and soldiers for grand celebrations began to ebb right after the Mumbai attacks, with Subhash Chandra Bose and Bhagat Singh leading the agitation to boycott the celebrations.

“Independence is not even marked by basic security. A handful of Pakistani terrorists do a repeat of Jallianwala Bagh and instead of protecting people, we see leaders enhancing their own security. We demand the immediate release of all NSG commandos from political security to NSG hubs with the sole purpose of fighting terrorism,” they said in a joint statement.

The petition, ‘Security for Common Indians First, Politicians Last’, was signed by all major revolutionaries of the freedom struggle, including Rash Behari Bose, Barin Ghosh, Jugantar party revolutionaries like Raja Subodh Mallik and Bagha Jatin.

Great revolutionaries of the Hindustan Republican Association including Jogesh Chatterjee, Chandrashekhar Azad, Yogendra Shukla, Ashfaqullah Khan, Bhagat Singh, and Batukeshwar Dutt protested against decreased sense of patriotism amongst the youth and the depraved polity increasingly leading to reduced sense of citizenry.

Members of the Berlin Committee, the Ghadar Party, like Shyamji Krishna Varma, V D Savarkar, and Bhikaji Cama asked NRIs to play a greater role in achieving the larger ideals of the Freedom Movement.

The entire protest against the celebrations began with Mangal Pandey, joined by Rani Lakshmi Bai, Maulavi Ahmedullah Shah, Rao Sahib, Tantia Tope, Azimullah Khan, Kunwar Singh, Rajput chief of Jagadishpur, Firuz Saha, Pran Sukh Yadav and Rao Tula Ram of Rewari, who refused food and water against the leaders and people of India for letting down every single person who fought for freedom.

Social reformers, spiritual leaders and intellectuals, including Swami Dayanand Saraswati, Ramakrishna Paramshamsa, Swami Vivekananda, Subramania Bharathi, Raja Ram Mohan Roy, Syed Ahmed Khan and Sri Aurobindo asked Indians to include social reform, spiritual upliftment and building a fair and just society as part of their agendas for material betterment and national progress.

The earliest Parliamentarians including Dadabhai Naoroji, Bal Gangadhar Tilak and Lala Lajpat Rai appealed to the oppressed to not wait for instruments of justice to reach them, and instead stand up for their rights and declare swaraj within their own individual spheres of existence.

Women leaders including Rani Jhansi, Annie Besant and Sarojini Naidu, despite their consternation over the delay, expressed a fond hope that President Pratibha Patil and Sonia Gandhi will lead a special mission to liberate Indian womankind.

Congress leaders led by Gandhiji, including Rajaji, Jawaharlal Nehru, Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel, Abul Kalam and Jayant Kriplani sat on a hunger strike, demanding the government reassess its priorities, commitment to original principles, ability to link national sovereignty and independence to the truest freedoms of every Indian, including freedom from poverty, hunger, exploitation and slavery.

“We have been heartened by each piece of good news about development of the country we fought for, a nation and people for whose independence we gave up our lives… but we find it impossible to genuinely join you in celebrating this beautiful day, which was but just a dream for most of us. We protest against you, for turning so viciously against our own people… and express our unhappiness with our people for having let narrow-mindedness blind you and for giving up the welfare of the nation to such leaders. Dear Indians, we are not celebrating today as Independence Day. Instead, we will morally protest, supporting those who will take up the task of cleansing the nation and lead it to truest independence… for every single Indian,” they said.

However, after the political drama, hypocritical oneupmanship and partisan pageants, when children rose to salute the Tricolour, all freedom fighters joined them and sang the anthem.

A beaming Tagore added to SedPerd, “…into that heaven of freedom, my dear children, awaken my nation.”

...think about this....

2009-08-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC: In Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007, a man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later:
The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

6 minutes later:
A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

10 minutes later:
A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.

45 minutes later:
Themusician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money, but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour later:
He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

Findings:
No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the Metro Station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and people's priorities. The questions raised:"In a common place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?"

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made.... How many other things are we missing?

Politicians Invited to Participate in Sach Ka Sammana

2009-08-09T10:58:00.001-07:00

Indian Parliament, New Delhi: Echoing deep rooted fears and visceral hatred for the creativity of a Television reality show that makes participants confess truth, with a tech-devise bingo on uttering a lie to boot, Parliamentarians took up the war against such TV shows, in a rally showcasing complete unity amongst all politicians, SedPerd learnt today by watching boring TV news channels.

"This is against Indian kulture," an angry political leader screamed in the House. "This show insists that all people speak truth, threatening to expose their lies… how will Indian kulture of tolerance last such onslaught?"

Politicians across the country, in all state Assemblies, echoed in favour of the rally, seeking a ban on any TV reality show, which can with the press of a button expose lies publicly. "This will endanger our democracy. How are politicians supposed to work?" angry politicians demanded.

"Today, you have a housewife being asked about extra-marital affairs, or a cricketer about his friendship. Who is going to stop this bawdy infernal transgressing pesky show from inviting a politician on the show and asking about party funding or electoral malpractice? Will it not cause a crisis?" they howled.

Meanwhile, the show producers, inspired by ideas provided by angry agitating politicians, got along with arrangements for a special politician episode. Defending their show on the basis of freedom of express, they said, "What have we got on our hands… Rakhi Sawant and her swayanvar? Defend that. Don’t you understand reality TV is not reality, only TV; which means the reality of TV as opposed to your stupid nonsense head not understanding reality on TV? Only truth can stand up to bare all in this TRP war?"

"Far from banning it, the Indian public must stand up and demand that all politicians must participate in this… answer questions on manifesto implementation to corruption charges… to accountability on development funds… on this show. Our show," they counter-demanded.

And lo presto, in no time, the episode of the politician on ‘Face the Truth’ is ready.

This is an exclusive SedPerd trick:

Truth: Are you corrupt? Did you ever steal any money?
Politician: No, never. In my entire life, I have never taken even a single paisa of public money.
Buzzer: No sound. Politician is speaking the truth.
Audience: Surprise.

Truth: There are serious criminal charges against you and your family such as murder, rape, electoral malpractices like rigging and booth capturing, distributing liquor and money to win elections…
Politician: No, never. This is a lie. A political conspiracy to malign me!
Buzzer: Politician is speaking the truth.
Audience: Aghast.

Truth: Your sole motive is to capture power, use the caste card, do what you wish, provide patronage, promote your kith and kin, encourage medieval...
Politician: Nonsense. I am only driven by a desire to serve India and uplift Indians.
Buzzer: Silence. Politician spoke the truth again.
Audience: In admiration... clapping, standing up, ovation, hysterical, wow, what a great man, and how much we misunderstood him… clapping on...

Politicians across the country hail the TV programme, calling it a great tool of democracy, proving with ease to people how truthful they are. The show gets a national award, politicians under any charge or pressure rush to it to showcase their virtue. SedPerd have a last interview with the TV producers.

"Did you rig the machine?" the duo asks the TV producer straight.

TV producer thunders back, "You still don’t understand TV. It is like politics itself… created with the sole purpose of pleasing maximum people, TRP rating is like elections, you want maximum votes… we did not rig the machine, that will destroy the credibility of the show… we just put a silencer on the hooter."

Another politician, proven truthful in yet another episode, not guilty of sexual charges, or of misappropriation of funds, yelled to TV news channels, "Does the opposition leader dare take my charges on this program? See, I told you, I was truthful. The TV program proves my innocence it… Satyamev Jayathe."

Bollywood-exclusive Channel Beats Other Bollywood Slots on TV

2009-08-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

Throwing a huge bash at their anticipated but peerless success at the TRP game, Bollywood TV, a new television news channel exclusively devoted to breaking news about Bollywood stars, Bollywood movies, Bollywood gossip, Bollywood fashion, Bollywood food, Bollywood fitness, Bollywood rumours, Bollywood starlets, Bollywood non-news, Bollywood travel, Bollywood religion and spirituality, Bollywood politics, Bollywood sports, along with other profound Bollywood happenings, all exclusives, significantly centered around Bollywood, BTV top management said its success was made possible owing to its absolutely Bollywood exclusives.

“No sports, politics, science, children, educational or spiritual channel gives the kind of Bollywood coverage as Bollywood TV,” he said triumphantly. “But with our kind of 24-by-7 non-stop Bollywood exclusives, we are the premier Bollywood channel in the world.”

At the party filled with Bollywood stars, Bollywood TV president and a big Bollywood fan, revealed the secret of their success, “We have Bollywood actors — male and female — on our screens all the time. We don’t accept advertisements, for instance, not featuring Bollywood stars.”

Bollywood actors were naturally delighted. “There is hardly sufficient coverage of Bollywood in other media. Top TV news channels give just about 60 per cent of their time for Bollywood news, we have to elbow all the while with politics, crime and cricket. We always wanted, a complete, exclusive Bollywood channel.”

“The three Bollywood exclusives that featured on day one of the launch of Bollywood TV centered on the three big Khans, while next day was devoted to the Kapoors and the third day for the Bachchans. The next three days were a re-run of the first three days,” said vice-president, exclusive content, Bollywood TV.

Fans too were delighted with the development. “The Bollywood TV is just what we wanted because 24 hours are not enough for following Bollywood,” they screamed when the BTV camera focused on them for an exclusive breaking news glimpse. The anchor then broke the news 14 times exclusively over the next few hours.

Bollywood TV also plans to have contests, exclusive dates with Bollywood stars, peeks, views, reviews, cool content, hot content, all exclusive, with more Bollywood stars. “We will also have the Bollywood Week, Bollywood After Week, Bollywood Month, and so on,” content executives revealed. “We will also have fortnightly and monthly Bollywood movie award ceremonies being exclusive aired on our channel.”

However, Bollywood-media critics said it will not be smooth sailing for BTV in coming days. “They stole a march but with two more channels — Only-Bollywood-TV and Nothing-But-Bollywood TV — likely to go on air in next few weeks, competition will get hotter. Or cooler!”

Cricketers, used to their own channels, are not upset. A cricket star who own three Bollywood production houses, said, “Bollywood stars own cricket leagues, cricketers make Bollywood films… It is one big family. We will also be having two more exclusive cricket channels soon, one owned by a Bollywood mega-star.”

Bollywood TV, not resting on past laurels, is going to soon hold an exclusive cricket match between Bollywood stars and cricketers, and later that night, cricketers and Bollywood stars shall party in Bollywood style, all this will be aired exclusively next few weeks on Bollywood TV several times.

“Bollywood as covered on BTV is unique. I only watch Bollywood TV,” said a Bollywood star, before rushing to another news channel to say the same about their Bollywood programme.

The bash was all fun, frolic, except when a mentally-deranged, starving, ruffian tried to gatecrash, angrily, but was taken care of by Bollywood security forces.

“Nothing at all… seems like he is part of something called theater or something like that,” said BTV president. "Go ahead and enjoy the party, don't bother about this fellow and this theater thing... it is not Bollywood, surely?"

Man Booker Dozen (13) Longlist Announced

2009-07-29T00:24:00.000-07:00

London, July 28, 2009: The judges for the 2009 Man Booker Prize have announced today, Tuesday, July 28, a longlist of 13 titles - or the Man Booker Dozen. The longlist includes Summertime by J.M. Coetzee, who is one of only two novelists to have won the Booker Prize twice with Life & Times of Michael K in 1983 and Disgrace in 1999.

The longlist also features The Children's Book by A.S. Byatt, winner of the Booker Prize in 1990 with Possession. William Trevor, previously shortlisted four times for the annual prize, is longlisted for his new novel Love and Summer.

Sarah Waters and Colm Toibin, who have both been twice-shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize, have made the 2009 longlist with their latest novels. Hilary Mantel was previously longlisted for the prize.

However, there is no Indian in the longlist this year for the MAN Booker, which was won last year by Aravind Adiga.

The 2009 longlist is:
* A S Byatt (The Children's Book)
* J M Coetzee (Summertime)
* Adam Foulds (The Quickening Maze)
* Sarah Hall (How to paint a dead man)
* Samantha Harvey (The Wilderness)
* James Lever (Me Cheeta)
* Hilary Mantel (Wolf Hall)
* Simon Mawer (The Glass Room)
* Ed O'Loughlin (Not Untrue & Not Unkind)
* James Scudamore (Heliopolis)
* Colm Toibin (Brooklyn)
* William Trevor (Love and Summer)
* Sarah Waters (The Little Stranger)

The chair of judges, James Naughtie, said, "The five Man Booker judges have settled on thirteen novels as the longlist for this year's prize. We believe it to be one of the strongest lists in recent memory, with two former winners, four past-shortlisted writers, three first-time novelists and a span of styles and themes that make this an outstandingly rich fictional mix."

Chaired by broadcaster and author James Naughtie, the 2009 judges are Lucasta Miller, biographer and critic; Michael Prodger, Literary Editor of The Sunday Telegraph; Professor John Mullan, academic, journalist and broadcaster and Sue Perkins, comedian, journalist and broadcaster.

A total of 132 books, 11 of which were called in by the judges, were considered for the ‘Man Booker Dozen' longlist of 13 books.

Already dubbed the Clash of Heavyweights, several interesting articles are already out... you may check the following: (Besides the debates and discussions on the MAN Booker site itself)

1. Guardian, from where the picture in this post was stolen from

2. Bookseller, a great resource for the trade of books and craft of writing.

3. MAN Booker site, the official site with loads of info and a great resource on the prize.

UPA Relieved as Ambani Bros Approve Constitutional Changes

2009-07-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

NEW DELH: The UPA government, like others in the past two decades, heaved a major sigh of relief as the supreme signatories of law, constitution, national and international matters concerning India, the Ambani brothers, approved various bills, Acts, Constitutional Amendments, regulations and policy decisions.

Any bill presented in Parliament has to go through several stages before becoming a law. A bill gets presented, typically in the Lok Sabha, gets debated, and depending on its stature and category, goes to the Rajya Sabha, sometimes needing an approval by the joint sitting of both Houses. The bill may then be referred to State Assemblies for their ratification, or be introduced as an Ordinance when the Parliament is not in session.

It is then sent to the President for signature. The President may send back some important bills to Parliament for re-consideration. A proposed bill may be opposed in the courts, wherein the full bench of the Supreme Court eventually gives its decision.

The government has to keep the Ambani brothers in the loop at every stage, and not getting their approval can defeat the bill at any stage. Once the President signs a bill, two sets are sent separately to Mukesh and Anil, who have to sign it separately; only after which the Bill becomes Supreme Law.

Recently, the government sent several notifications to the Ambani brothers, including whether it could talk with Pakistan, invite Hillary Clinton to India, whether Prime Minister Singh could declare a drought, whether to introduce the Women’s Reservation bill, whether to challenge the High Court ruling reading down Section 377 legitimising consensual gay sex.

Luckily, the brothers approved all bills, thereby clearing the path for them to be Supreme Law. However, Mukesh and Anil, who gave a verbal go-ahead to the Civil Aviation Ministry to re-structure Air India, turned down the Finance Ministry’s request to increase salaries of PSU bank employees.

The brothers also ruled against introducing 3G before Anil’s companies grab a huge chunk of it and instructed Sheela Dixit to turn down Sridharan’s resignation. They cleared a proposal to modernise several railway stations after the government acknowledged their unimpeachable power to stake claim for the complete project, or parts thereof, besides thanking them for unhesitatingly approving a bill to increase the salary of the President, and all Ministers and Parliamentarians.

Explaining the finer points of law to SedPerd, Subhash C Kashyap, Constitutional Expert, said in an interview which never happened, “All power in India flows from We, The People, and is exercised on their behalf on the pleasure of the President. This phrase, Pleasure of the President, predominantly means majority in Lok Sabha. Since, the Ambani brothers always have an absolute majority in both Houses, and enjoy the support of over 2/3rd of all State Assemblies; they are the final authorities on any law.”

However, much to the dismay of the government, after approving a financial bill to provide for infrastructure enhancement in Delhi for the Commonwealth Games, okaying a farm reforms bill to allow for corporate farming in India by any company whose name begins with REL, and with either Muk or Ani as starting letters of the chairman’s name, and consenting to a bill to allow more FDI in print media, the brothers walked away from agreeing to a move on KG basin gas, triggering a Constitutional crisis.

The disagreement remains despite court intervention and pleading by Central and State governments, global officials, the UN, WHO, Unicef, G8, G9, G10, EU, IMF and World Bank.

Anxious Congress leaders and ministers, after failed attempts at reconciliation, and notional statements claiming India’s natural resources are owned by the people and not the Ambanis, are pinning their hopes on a decision by the final arbitrator; Kokilaben D Ambani, mother of the duo.

“The UPA has always sought women empowerment and it is heartening that even the supreme sovereign landlords of Indian Republic finally turn to a lady for the final decision,” said a Congress leader. “Hopefully, her decision will enable Indians to have gas, power and energy waiting to be tapped underground the KG basin to light up their dark lives. And give us another opportunity to serve and please our masters, the two omnipotent brothers.”

Awaiting their mother’s decision, the anxious brothers turned down a proposal to make drinking water a right of all Indians and pushed a government move to tax Indians for breathing oxygen and fresh air for a decision on a later date.

MAN Asian Booker (Literary Prize) Longlist Announced

2009-07-24T05:28:00.000-07:00

In a sweet email a few hours ago, Sue Gourlay from the Committee of the MAN Asian Literary Prize ( @manasianliteraryprize.org informed all the 24 writers who made it to the longlist, ending a long fortnight of suspense.

She says in her email:
Dear All,
Congratulations on being selected for the longlist of the 2009 Man Asian Literary Prize! The attached press release will be posted on the prize website (www.manasianliteraryprize.org) and sent to the prize's media database today.

The prize received 150 entries which were narrowed down to this list of 24.I very much look forward to working more closely with each of you over the coming months. If you have not yet submitted your complete manuscript please do so to this email address before 1 August 2009.

With best wishes,
Sue Gourlay
Administrator, Man Asian Literary Prize
www.manasianliteraryprize.org

The writers who made it, besides myself, are:
Gopilal Acharya , With a Stone in My Heart
Omair Ahmad , Jimmy the Terrorist
Siddharth Chowdhury, Day Scholar
Kishwar Desai , Witness the Night
Samuel Ferrer , The Last Gods of Indochine
Eric Gamalinda , The Descar tes Highlands
Ram Govardhan, Rough with the Smooth
Kanishka Gupta, History of Hate
Kameroon Rasheed Ismeer , Memoirs of a Terrorist
Ratika Kapur , Overwinter
Mariam Karim, The Bereavement of Agnes Desmoulins
Nitasha Kaul , Residue
R . Zamora Linmark , Leche
Mario I. Miclat, Secrets of the Eighteen Mansions
Clarissa V. Militante, Different Countries
Varuna Mohite, Omigod
Dipika Mukherjee, Thunder Demons
Hena Pillai , Blackland
Roan Ching-Yueh, Lin Xiu-Tzi and her Family
Edgar Calabia Samar, Eight Muses of the Fall
K. Srilata, Table for Four
Su Tong, The Redemption Boat
Oyungerel Tsedevdamba, Shadow of the Red Star

Sriram Karri, yours truly, made it with his novel, The Autobiography of a Mad Nation.
For more details, visit: http://www.manasianliteraryprize.org/2009/2009longlist.php